Here’s 5 things we learned from the derby that defined a generation:

1. Bahahahahahaha City you abso shower of cunts.

2. See above.

3. Pogba was bad in the first half and majestic in the second.

4. Something about his hair.

5. Did we win?

6. You legit sicken me.

*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’ve never even heard of Liverpool. Having read Brian’s “work”, I’m none the wiser (although the He-Man element piqued my interest long enough to finish reading. Well done Bob)

United 33 – 26 Liverpool. So many goals.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’m currently editing my post I wrote days ago because I’m not happy with some of the sentence construction and my overuse of gerunds.  I’m not actually writing it last-minute because I thought the game kicked off at 4pm.  I am so good at footballs.  I suppose only one of us knows the truth of why I’m so late adding stuff to the other stuff on here, and if they want to let me know what that truth is, I’ve lost where I’m going with this.  Football.

There is/was a chant that described United’s opponents today.  I remember it from ‘Cracker’ which was a policecop show from before you were born.  It was pretty good and the main guy was played by jazz supremo John Coltrane.  Maybe he came up with the chant in question using his music skills.  It’s not one of those chants that mocks poverty, or people slipping over, or how many Premierships the team in question hasn’t won, or bonfire building, or even a lovely Christmas song that still mocks poverty.  This particular chant is my favourite because it helps me remember the team we’re playing whenever we play them:

L-I-V!!  E-R-P!!  DOUBLE-O-L hmmmmnfmmmnOOL FC!!

Nope.  Still no idea who we’re playing so really gonna struggle picking some players to watch.  Let’s go for Gheorghe Hagi, Abedi Pele and Joan of Arc.

Prediction:  Vangle will most likely have his shizz together more than me, and will be looking to continue the fine run that has seen him win the last fifty games in a row with yet another dynamite performance.  Falcao will start from the bench but will be so good that he’ll score twice before he comes on.  This skullduggery will confuse the opponents, leaving Rooney in so much space that Anderson could nearly fit in there with him.  Rooney will use this space to his advantage, finally chipping a keeper after fifteen years of trying.  The three-goal lead will be too much for the other team, and Yannerzi will come on as a late sub to bag a cheeky Nando’s.  1-0 hmmmmnfmmmnOOL.

When young Radamel is not tying back his hair in anticipation of kicking goals into nets, he loves nothing more than the Discovery Channel, kites (both the bird and the toy) and the Royal Logistics Corps museum.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

This weekend sees two of English football’s giants locking horns yet again, as Manchester United and Liverpool reignite one of the world’s fiercest rivalries when they face each other at the Theatre of Dreams on Sunday.

Having only recently taken over at Manchester United, at the start of the current Premier League season, Louis Van Gaal has had his work cut out introducing his philosophy to his new charges and in dealing with injury crisis after injurAs if that’s any way to write about kicky sports … kept it up for a small paragraph and a half an average paragraph too.

Note to self: find out how they manufactured a whole theatre out of dreams. Maybe that’s where the giants come in?

Now (or whenever you’re reading this, would be weird if you were reading this ‘now’ as I write it. Unless you’re me and you’re not letting on), we all know that the United players are made of swashbuckling fantasy and daring-do, apart from Fellaini who is made of xylem and phloem, but what are the Liverpool players made of?

I spent my break at work writing down a few extensive researchs on the back of a fag packet…

Simon Mignolet: Bruce Grobelaar’s legs from that penalty that time for arms, and futility.

Glenn Johnson: entropy

Martin Skrtl: Skeletor (the reboot, not proper 80s Skeletor), but in 0.2D and henna.

Sakho: operatic destruction.

Kolo Toure: the tears of rejection.

Lovren: not a fightren (idgi).

Moreno: thanyes. (irdgi)

Raheem Sterling: sweet dreams are made of these (who am I to disagree?) (c0s of the time he said he was tired, that no-one mentioned enough imo).

Steven Gerrard: CCTV footage of ex-England captain Steven Gerrard’s club highlights.

Jordan Henderson: the ghost of Dirk Kuyt.

Lucas Leiva: the bottled spirit of Hollywood child stars gone bad.

Joe Allen: french fries, the Walkers crisps version.

Can: an apostrophe and the letter T. (irrdgi)

Coutinho: kittens.

Adam Lallana: your ‘poorly’ friend from school, done good.

Mario Balotelli: the post-dystopian future from the past, happening now and then.

Rick i.e Lambert: a loveable house brick wrapped in Caramac.

Score prediction: Beethoven’s fifth performed by an ice-cream van and a piano falling down some stairs.