1) Hards pitches equals wins.

2) Cement over Old Trafford pitch.

3) ??????

4) Profit.

5. Song for Mkhitaryan (to tune of Englishman in New York by Classic the Sting)

Whoa-oh, Mkhitaryan

Henrik Mkhitaryan,

He’s Mkhitaryan he’s not Dwight Yorke

(OR ‘he’s shy and retiring when he talks’.) feel free to award me Grammys and such.

6. Damn you. Really been struggling to find a song for him.

7. When it comes to songs it’s just me and Randy Newman left.

8) *ahem* And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time

Til touchdown brings me round again to find

I’m not the man they think I am at home

Oh, no, no, no Mkhitaryan.

9. Classic Beat It.

10) ffs you two pricks could’ve piped up weeks ago. I’ve got a list of like 30 fucking songs that swap Bailly for Baby.

11. I feel we’ve gone off message.

12. Your face has gone of messa

13. Hope you both get rickets for Christmas.

14. Now can’t stop singing:

I saw my Bailly

Crying hard as babe could cry

What could I do?

My Bailly’s love had gone

And left my Bailly blue

Nobody knew

but in a perfect Bowie voice. You’d never know it was me.

15. Who is this?

Benno (@Benglorious)

After Saturday’s resounding victory over the Manchester United of Newcastle, tonight sees Vangle’s boys take on their lesser-known neighbours, the FC United of Manchester of Newcastle: Newcastle.

FC United of Newcastle have struggled for the last couple of games ever since Kevin Keegan stopped being their manager all those years ago. The current incummerbund is John Carver.  He’s not fooling anyone with that name though, as anyone with at least one eye can see that he’s just a fat Joey Barton.

His team are known as the ‘Mags’ due to their dislike of metal spokes on their BMX’s.  Will anyone get that?  Has that ever bothered me before?  The most likely response to both of those questions is ‘no’, but I don’t think we’ll ever know the real answers.

Newcastle players to look out for tonight include Kevin Kilbane, Fabricio Colonoscopy and Sting.

Prediction:  Vangle will complete his dominance over the top-right bit of England tonight, finally proving that he is the best manager in the entire history of the Premiership League.  Even Alan Shearer and Jackie Milburn coming back from the dead Roy-of-the-Rovers-style and scoring two each wouldn’t be enough to stop the unstoppable Red (with some white trim and white shorts and black socks) Army tonight.  Roonsquad will continue his recent burst of goals with a hat-trick, the much-maligned Falcao will become much-aligned with a brace of his own and the third goal will be scored by someone who can do maths.  1-0 Newcastle.

Once Anders had convinced me that he really did play for United, I was only too happy to immortalise him as I’m running really low on players.  He told me his favourite things were jive dancing, talking jive and Jive Bunny:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Tom doesn’t believe in Newcastle.

Update:  He thinks he may be wrong as they do seem to be a thing – he’s watching them on his telly right now.  The Jonas brothers are playing.

Prediction:  Tom’s sheltered world to come crashing down around his ears only for his behemoth shoulders to come to his rescue and protect his tiny sparrow hips.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Was so great to see the woven mauven haired wonder, Capper Roon, hitting top form at the weekend, with a couple of onion-bag busting crackeroos to really get the end of season party started in super-sized milkshaking-to-the-yarding style! Time and time again Skipperoo lights the touch paper on the furnace of our imagination at the business end of the season*, single-handedly skulduggering us to trophy after trophy, and it looks like this season will be no different to the rest!! #GGMROO more like..!

If I were Newcastle I’d be sitting this one out and taking the Pools Panel 0-3 loss…

BUT** … it appears Boss Roonski might just have his work cut out this Wednesday night, as the Newcastle line-up, according to my m8 Paul from Newcastle, is full of modern day super-heroes, and they’re managed by one too: Johnman Carverman. That’s funny cos all Newcastlers say ‘man’ after everything they say, like Timman Krulman, Darylman Janmaatman, Gabrielman Obertanman, Siemman deman Jongman. For example. But in theory much funnier. And less racist.

*why is it called the ‘business end’ of the season when all the buying and selling happens at the other, exact opposite end, and in the middle? It’s the least businessy bit of the whole thing tbh. It’s no wonder football dies in the autumn of 2016.

** I like these and I can not lie.

Prediction: 0-0.