(@Benglorious)

We can legit just copy and paste last week’s preview while Brett is in Poland: Brett is in Poland so we have no natural leader or a jokes.

Prediction:  0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

As above. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m in Poland. In minus 26 temperatures. Survival is my priority.

Prediction: Death. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things what we learned:

1. GTA survivals have gotten a lot harder.

1. 40yr-old consumer units do not meet current safety regulations.

2. That was meant to be 2.

3. That one wasn’t.

4. 2 that is, not one.

 @Benglorious)

I like watching football when we win. I won’t be watching tonight.

Prediction: Lukaku to bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

As the questions over Brett’s tenuous grasp of reality continue to flood the secret DM group that me and Benno have, it’s time that someone provided the answers to both of them:

1. No fucking chance

2.We’ll split it 50/50, bagsy his shoes

Prediction: CRISIS. 3-0 United

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

As the questions over Mourinho’s tactics continue to flood the mainstream media, it’s time that someone provided the answers to ALL of them:

1. Yes.

2. No.

3. No.

4. Occasionally.

5. Sometimes.

6. Once.

7. Yes.

8. 6.

9. Yes.

10. Chelsea.

11. No.

12. Yes.

13. Chelsea.

14. 10.

15. January.

16. Yes.

17. 2013.

18. Chelsea.

19. Yes.

20. Yes.

21. Arsenal.

22. No.

23. 45.

24. Yes.

25. No.

26. Paris.

27. Yellow.

28. Michael Atherton.

29. No.

30. No.

31. Toast.

32. Yes.

33. Chelsea.

Prediction: Yes. 0-0 United.

FOURchester United more like!

Here’s FOUR things we learned in honFOUR of FOUR FOURmidable team:

1. I’m not sure how to handle all these goals.

2. It just doesn’t feel right.

3. I like the ‘1-0 at half-time, same 3 scorers in second half’ pattern we’ve got going – winning every game by 4 goals can only improve our chances of winning the English premiership league title trophy.

4. Swansea booing Rashford makes them for tools.

5. We always said goals win games. Now the naysayers can us the credit we deserve.

6. I say nay to the naysayers.

 @Benglorious)

It’s so much easier to write a decent preview after we’ve won the previous game.

Prediction: Lukaku to continue his development by kissing his sister and then hitting the winner into the exhaust port. 3-1, United

 m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Cannot do words today. I am a conscientious objector over Swansea’s role in Vietnam. Damn them, damn them straight to hell.

Prediction: Two goals, one for the each of you. 0-0 United 

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I also can not do words today. Though I deplore Swansea’s role in Vietnam, I could never turn my back on our fans, in the way that Tom has – which ironically makes Tom just as bad as Swansea imho, only with emotions and not eating faces off of living people after breaking their arms with your wings.

I’m at a wedding in Poland and this message has already taken me 23mins to send, cos the internet in the farming village of Zszszszszszszov is Polish.

Prediction: On the dance floor in one hour dancing with someone’s grandma to Polish chart hits i.e anything from our charts mid-80s i.e standard wedding hits in us country i.e hashtag win. In two hours, more shots. In two hours and 10 mins, bedtime.

Here’s 5 things we learned at the weekend:

1. We’re shit.

2. I cannot adequately express the rage I experience watching Wayne Rooney try and play football. It is embarrassing. He must know it’s embarrassing. Fuck off m8.

3. I think 1 & 2 covers it.

4. Tom covered it.

5. See 4.

(@Benglorious)

After basking in the glow of Sunderland getting deservedly relegated, I considered calling Ol’ Davey Moyes to offer my sympathies. However, I then remembered what an odious prick and terrible manager he is so I went for a poo instead. I also didn’t have his number.

Prediction:  Swansea to knockout Klitschko in the first innings with a 147 break. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

We seem to have become a Mick Hucknall fan account. I am that dog in the everything is fine meme !!!

Swans live in rivers. To put them in a sea? Madness.

Boxing Review: Joshua VS Klitschko (2017)

What a fight! Both men employing the punching technique to punch each other, early rounds looked like Joshua was the best at punching but then Wladimir’s punches started to work better and it was hard to tell (punch wise). Seemed like Joshua was winning but then he delivered an almighty upwards punch (you *may* have seen it on Twitter. I didn’t post it because it cost me £20 so you proles can go suck it/I respect Sky’s terms and conditions) and it was all over. Bar some more punching. That aside, actually very very good.

Prediction: Klitschko by KO in the 6th.

(@bifurcated_utd)

AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times.

Prediction: AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 toffee apples of knowledge we devoured:

1) We always win when I don’t watch the game.

2) Except Fenerbahce.

3) And Burnley.

4) And Chelsea.

5) That first point may need work.

6) When will Twitter @ you out of life?

7) I have nothing to add to these salient points. Although it does seem worth noting that Swansea are actually very bad.

8) They’ll come good once Lex Luthor has a few more games under his belt.

9) Racist. Pease delete.

 (@Benglorious)

Jose has a lot to do to change United’s fortunes after suffering his eighty-ninth consecutive defeat earlier in the week. Another forty defeats or so and he may have to seriously start worrying about his job, particularly as David Moyes has won more games than him and is also available without a notice period as he is the literal worst at contact negotiations (see: Rooney, Wayne).

Prediction: Pogba to score one goal for every pound we paid for him. Rooney to eat one pound for every minute he’s been alive. Winner takes all. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Thank fuck Giggsy didn’t get the Swansea job (although it does mean we’ll miss out on hours of ‘will he celebrate if he wins’….swings and a roundabouts innit) Lose today and we’ll equal our worst ever start to a PL campaign unless there’s been a worse one. Should’ve given Moyes more time imho. Swansea is in Wales. I am doing short sentences this week.

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

Not as bad as everyone said but still pretty bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: will to live, fading. Another goal-fest for United, 0-0 Nasri for Rooney. Please.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Gee whizz that Tom and Benno are carrying this site. I must remember to thank them.

Prediction: 0-0 United, some poor excuse about a promotion keeping me from doing anything ever. Very much looking forward to this blockbuster sequel. Hope they make Tchaikovsky proud.