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 Benno (@Benglorious)

“THERE’S ONLY ONE UNITED!!” goes the famous terrace chant, and today the FA Cup proves that football fans are idiots and liars. Things that the FA Cup is yet to prove include: Magic, giants (killed or not) and cup fever. I think we can all agree that the FA Cup has 24 hours to get results or it will be back walking the beat faster than it can blink. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition Analysis: Sheffield United are the only team in the FA Cup with “United” in their name.

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Prediction: Vangle to put on his Fergie mask (movie quality, obvs) so the FA decide to send us to play a nice, friendly tournament in a nice, warm country that has nice, brown coconuts or summin growing by the roads. 0-0 United, but one of those ones where we actually score more goals than zero. Just kidding. Are minus goals a thing?

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve done nothing because I’m helping H-dubz move house this weekend. It’s great. Like working but for no money.

The Hateful Eight (2016)

Tarantino’s eighth major release features an incredible ensemble cast (and Samuel L. Jackson) and has been lauded as his eighth consecutive masterpiece by at least eight reviewers that I don’t need to watch it. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Rooney. 

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 Brett(@workinnit)

Another lie is when F.A Cup games do a replay, if you look closely the replay games are totally different and even at totally different stadiums. It would make more sense for the teams to play a totally new game anyway. Imagine drawing 0-0 and having to watch it replayed forever.

Also, what about Tottenham United?

I have cracked a rib lolling at Benno’s preview. Or was it when I crashed into a wall, go-karting? Either way writing this hurts even more than usual. So I’m going to

Prediction: 0-0 United to not score last. I wrote this bit before the bit above where I stopped.

  Benno (@Benglorious)

Imagine if we’d got Mourinho instead of Moyes. Got that? Now imagine a giraffe, but with wheels and Quentin Tarantino’s face. Still with me? Now imagine a building so vast that it has its own capital city. What’s the name of that city? Nobody knows. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary: Manchester City are the best team in Manchester that we hate a little bit.

Prediction: So many goals up in this place they’ll have to rename it Goalchester. They probably won’t do that because of the hassle of changing all the road signs and having to think up a new word for ‘Madchester’. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words as El Capitan is downloading slower than Daley Blind.

If I email one of youse, can you copy and paste?

Derby isn’t even in Manchester.

Film review: Jurassic World [see Jurassic Park review, bifurcated_previews_United_vs_Chelsea_2017]

Prediction: 6-1 City. Lol. As if that could happen. Nasri for Rooney.

Please italicise the film titles – I am a professional. And also by email i mean this.

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 Brett (Alisha’s@ic)

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Like David and Goliath. Like chalk and cheese. Like night and day. Like light and shade. Like two sides of a coin.

Just a bit of information about me for you there: I like David and Goliath and chalk and cheese and nights and days and light and shade and both sides of all the coins.

It’s very rare that an anagram gets to play against itself, and disappointingly this pathetic half-arsed anagram is as close as we’re going to get. Embarrassing and sad, really. No surprise Manchester is red and/or blue, really.

Prediction: Danny with his cosmo copy tucked under his arm throughout. One of two things will happen in this game: I’ve narrowed it down, now you do the math. If it’s not one of those, you only have yourself to blame. 0-0 United.