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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Friday night is the best time for football.  The shops are shut so I don’t have to go shopping and it’s too dark for DIY. Actually, sod the football, I’m out of here.

Opposition Summary:  Villa did well to stay up last season, so it’s lucky that they kept Benteke or else they’d be in big trouble this time around.

Prediction:  Villa captain Micah Richards has a lot of pressure on him tonight.  The former City defender knows he has a lot to live up to in his new role, especially after his predecessor did so well.  Kyle Walker fulfilled his role as Vangle’s secret striker perfectly last week, so Richards will need to be on form if he wants to impress the United fans.  0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’m preparing the BBQ, but having trouble after the judge said I wasn’t allowed within 23 feet of flammables, after the incident with the deaf school. Wasn’t my fault they couldn’t hear the alarm ffs.

Prediction: Sausages. Burgers. And green bull shit for Brett and Paul.

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  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

I’m not here. I’m mentally preparing to meet those fockers, like in the film Zoolander.

Hopefully, our ghost writer @Ab5y will write something funny here, like he does every week. AS LONG AS HE CAN HOLD THE PEN WITH THOSE GHOST HANDS! BOOM!!

Prediction: Danny with his custody battle. The Aston Villa manager (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) to disappear (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) because of Marryone Fellaini (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) standing in front of him (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) on the touchline … Can’t see Sherwood for the Tree. Vangle to take Sherwood back to school. Woodwork class. Am I getting paid for this? 0-0.

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely. 

Tim Sherwood walked into the dressing room. Louis van Gaal’s reign had been a disaster, with United failing to make the Champions League, or even the Europa League. There had been an outcry among the papers, and, in their infinite wisdom, Ed Woodward and the Glazer family had decided a domestic manager was the best option.

Sherwood’s run at Aston Villa at the end of the 2014/15 season had been as successful as Van Gaal’s had been a disaster. Under him, Villa had played 16, won 13, lost three, and United fans had to endure the sight of Tom Cleverley lifting the FA Cup.

The Villains’ victory over the Red Devils at Old Trafford had been cited as the beginning of the end for the Dutchman. His side never recovered their lost confidence, and he had been ignominiously sacked, and taken over as David Moyes’ assistant at Real Sociedad.

Sherwood had engineered a simple-but-effective counter-attacking performance. That had lodged itself into Woodward’s mind, and the former Tottenham Hotspur man’s chummy bravado had won United’s Chief Executive’s affections.

“Right lads,” said Tim, “here’s the philosophy…” He had accompanied that much pilloried word with air quotes, of course. The dressing room erupted with laughter, as Tim grinned broadly.

“Show ‘em Les.” Les Ferdinand, standing by Sherwood’s side, dramatically flipped over a page of flip chart paper. On it was printed huge number “4”. “Four!” exclaimed Tim. Ferdinand flipped over another page. Another “4.” “Four!” yelled Sherwood, “say it with me lads…”

The players, led by Wayne Rooney, mostly joined in with a hearty “two!” as Ferdinand flipped another page to reveal exactly that.

There were cheers around the dressing room, as players who had been forced to adapt to a 3-5-2 system that clearly did not suit them were delighted to be freed from complex tactical thinking. Daley Blind and Michael Carrick looked a little put out, but in general the mood was buoyant.

“Tim Sherwood thinks you’re all great players,” said Tim Sherwood, speaking in the third person, as Tim Sherwood is wont to do.

“If you follow Tim Sherwood’s instructions, you’ll be just fine. First of all, you have to think like Tim Sherwood. Get it and give it. Run the channels. Passion. Lots and lots of that. It’s very important.”

“Who are we marking at corners, boss?” asked Rooney. “Call me Tim, Wazza. And call yourself Wayne Rooney, that’s very important too. Shows ‘em you mean business and know your stuff.”

“Wayne Rooney wants to know who he’s picking up at corners,” said Rooney, slowly, practising this new form of speech.

“Phil Jones is in charge of that. He’ll tell you,” replied the manager.

“Phil Jones will tell you!” yelled Jones, pumping his fist in triumph.

A few months later it was all over. After a great start, as excitement and passion carried United through, Sherwood’s tactical naivety was cruelly exposed. He was replaced by Pep Guardiola, in what was universally considered to be history’s oddest managerial succession.

Sherwood took over the reigns at Villa again, kept them from relegation, and was rewarded with the Chelsea job after Jose Mourinho left to take over at Bayern Munich.

Back to Reality

Of course, in reality, Sherwood is not the caricature painted above. His managerial career is fledgling, but he has had some success. Whilst his “win ratio” may have become a meme, he did reasonable work at Spurs, and is off to a decent start at Aston Villa.

However, he is a long way off proving himself at an elite level.

On Saturday, he will be hoping to engineer an upset against a Van Gaal side that, in reality, is in excellent form. That in itself is a long shot. The idea of him taking the hot seat at Old Trafford?

The odds on that would have to be second-to-none.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s finally matchday again after what felt like a six month international break.  In reality it was only three months, but away goals count double.  Aston Villa are the visitors to Old Trafford today, and they have a different manager from when we last played them.  Tim of Sherwood may have left his outlaw days behind him, but he still brings to the table the same determination and passion that helped him stand up for the disadvantaged against the Sheriff of Nottingham’s tyranny.

Vangle’s boys are on the up and up at the moment, and the euphoria from beating Liverpool all those weeks ago has carried the team on to win the World Cup, become the frontrunners in the General Election and also secure the Oscar for Best Original Song.  What a season we’re having.

Prediction:  The Lord Mayor of Manchester, Protector of the Realm and All-Round Top Bloke, Sir Juan Mata, is key today.  Like Jesus before him, Mata was put on the Earth to save mankind and craft fine coffee tables from mahogany.  He’s also got bare skills.  These skills, or “skillz” if you prefer, are what Villa are going to have to deal with today if they want to get anything out of this game other than a complementary set of walnut coasters.  Unfortunately for them, Mata will be having none of it, and he will dominate this game by setting up goals for Young and Rooney before grabbing one for himself with a backheel-overhead-cartwheel-barrel roll-triple salchow-acker ping volley right into top bangs.  1-0 Villa.

Those among you who only visit this site for the epic greatness of the acrostics will have to tell your disappointment to suck it:  There’s no more players to immortalise.  Instead, I’m trying a new section about some of United’s legends.  I’m just hoping there’s enough ex-players to see me through to the end of the season.  Feedback is welcome, especially when it’s as cool as the start of Plug In Baby.

WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

Massimo Taibi

 Buying a rake.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

In a betrayal akin to 9/11, I’ve gone to actual Manchester leaving those two sucker-chumps to deal with the police enquiry.

Prediction:  Brett to cop a plea of insanity and Benno to go on the lam to South America – most likely Portugal, Officer.  4-1 United.

Brett (@JailRegrettingHiringThoseTwoIdiots)

Footballiversity #4 – Footballiverse 42

February

In essence, Footballiverse 42 is to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy what a pirated copy of The Lego Movie is to the real version of The Lego Movie – noticeably worse in quality and at least partially suspect in the eyes of the law. The character of ‘Arthur’ is a metaphor for the general public; he is relatively unimportant, is largely unaware of this, and all of the action goes on around him.

“Maybe it was just an honest mistake,” Arthur suggested.

“Don’t you understand?!” wailed Jose BeeMouBrox, his three arms waving, one head sulking while the other spoke “It’s a conspiracy against me. They’re all in on it! The Restaurant at the End of the Footballiverse messing up my takeaway order is just a small part of it. 30, 33, 43, 69, man, that’s all I’m saying.”

Paul the Perpetually Miserable Android appeared on the bridge of the spaceship (the League of Gold).

“Life,” he said in his robotic Scottish drawl “Don’t talk to me about life.”

This was the last morbid straw, and he was immediately replaced by the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation’s latest model, HappyChappy Tim, who, although technically an upgrade, was arguably more useless and annoying than his predecessor.

HappyChappy Tim, in an attempt to please his new owners, began to hit his small robotic hands on the League of Gold’s console.

“Wait, what?” Arthur said, moving across the bridge “What are you doing? You don’t know what you’re doing. Stop it, stop it now.”

“No-brainer, Giant big club, 13 cup finals, gilets up fifty percent, lift and passion, hashtag LADbantz 2.0,” the HappyChappy burbled as his small plastic fists randomly pounded buttons.

One of HappyChappy Tim’s hands hit the switch to turn the League of Gold’s Improbability Drive into overdrive and, rather improbably, Nigel Pearson suddenly appeared on the ship’s bridge. Not being used to space travel, he stumbled and fell into the water cooler in the corner of the room, taking it and himself to the floor, water spilling everywhere.

Amongst the liquid dihydrogen oxide, ‘Big Nige’ wrestled with the large bottle that was now increasingly not containing the water that it was meant to contain. He slipped and splashed, eventually managing to pin the remnants of the water cooler beneath him.

“Wha- What the hell are you doing?” Arthur said, having just managed to prize HappyChappy Tim away from the control console.

Big Nige straightened up, smoothing his club-branded tracksuit, water streaming off it.

“Don’t worry about me,” he chuckled to himself “I can,” he paused for what he must have thought was dramatic effect “Handle myself.”

At that moment, HappyChappy Tim escaped from where Arthur had restrained him, although given that that was under the watch of Jose (who was more concerned with trying to convince that the bridge’s automatic doors of the conspiracy against him) it wasn’t particularly surprising that he got away. Babbling happily to himself about something meaningless, he managed to hit the Improbability Drive button again which, this time, supremely improbably, turned the whole event into words on a screen.

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“Issue 5: March” coming 1/4/15 APRIL FOOLS. No, seriously, the next one’ll come out on the 1st of April and may or may not be April Fools themed now that I’ve realised it’ll come out on that day.