Bifurcated Manchester United » Tony Pulis

Stoke vs. United

Us — Sat, 09 Sep 2017 13:02:52 +0000

@Benglorious)

City 5-0 Liverpool. The prosecution rests, M’Lud.

Prediction: Me to finally realise that prosecution does NOT mean the same as electrocution. Unless it does. Ain’t nobody got no time to check these facts. Lukaku to gain an audience with Jabba by mind-tricking Bib Fortuna who is actually Peter Crouch. 4-0 United.

(@tom_mcghee)

‘You will never find,

a more wretched hive,

of scum and villainy’ – Obi-Wan Kenobi re: Stoke

You say ‘Stoke’, you hear ‘Tony Pulis’. And he hasn’t been their manager since 2012 or summat (don’t check this). Can only assume its now either Mark Hughes or Steve Bruce. The point is, nobody cares. Other things about Stoke:

1. It has an area of 36 square miles

2. It is home of the Pottery Industry lol in England. The team’s nickname is The Potters. Despite there being no evidence any of the players ever having even a passing interest in this rather archaic past-time (its not an industry -making steel is an industry)

3. ‘Aww their Striker is tall’ *Ray Romano from popular US sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond voice* (Ray’s brother was very tall, it was hilarious). Peter Crouch is the tallest footballer in world history.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Still refuse to watch

Prediction: I bottle publishing my first page draft of Titanic 3: Thrice the Ice despite it being critically acclaimed by at least two actors. Rashford to score 6 and we win the league with [however many games are left] to go. Wayne turns up pissed at HT and goes full Delia on everyone’s ass.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Just read Tom’s preview and completely lost the will to li

Prediction: It’s TRItanic, bell! 0-0 United.

West Brom vs. United

Us — Sun, 06 Mar 2016 00:12:17 +0000

Benno (@Benglorious)

Fifteen wins in a row has put us right back in contention to win some trophy or other that we weren’t in contention to win at some previous point in history. Seriously though, there can’t be too many games left, can there? Christ, I hope not. I can’t take much more of this.

Opposition Summary: West Brom are down and to the left of Northampton, directly across from East Fife, slightly to the left of Middlesbrough and up-diagonally-left from Southend. How this bears on their playing style is a matter for someone who cares.

Prediction: Martial & Rasherz (feat. J-Matz) – Dropping A Ton Of Skillz (2016). West Brom to work on a comeback with the Artful Dodger. 0-0 United.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

As I’m not writings today, here’s some Mother’s Day themed reviews…

Some film called Mother’s Day (2012) that has probably been made:

A single mother, played by SJP, having relatively recently become a mother, is struggling to deal with the challenges of modern single parenting, especially with her precocious daughter being so damned precocious. She takes her on a long weekend to see her own mother – a classic spinster played by Susan Sarandon – and though the old tensions soon surface, a near-death shared experience affords them the opportunity to rebuild their relationship. That aside, pretty good.

Another indie film called Mother’s Day (2014) that has probably been made:

A teenage tomboy played by Emma Stone and her high-school misfit “boyfriend” played by some actor who used to be in Home and Away, make a suicide pact to escape their angst-ridden lives, on Mother’s Day. However, their parents discover their grizzly plans and set out across state in a desperate attempt to stop them. Tissues are a must for the heart-warming twist. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: 4-9 Berahino to score all 49 to spite Pulis, cos beef.

Brett(@ttackattackattack)

I’m with my best writing friend Benno on this one (we did some words together recently. It was special and something we will remember for ages. Tom won’t know how that feels), what’s with all these games again. Someone needs to invest all the cash money in the football into some kind of manageable structure that defines a ‘season’ clearly and concisely, possibly within a ‘fixture list’. Then serious journoers like us would be able to plan our weeks around this system, and not have to WhatsApp each other on the day the games are announced.

Here is the thing me and Benno wrote, not cos got nothing else to say: The thing me and Benno wrote.

Prediction: Rashford with his customs cavity search of West Brom’s defenders. Especially the one with the hair and hairband, who’s definitely on the whacky baccy cannabis smokes. 0-0 United.

Crystal Palace vs United

Us — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 11:23:29 +0000

Ben (Benglorious):

So (checks fixture list), Crystal Palace, eh? I really was unsure who we were supposed to be playing. That’s not apathy on my part towards the rest of our so far atrocious season. It genuinely feels like our last game was six months ago. I vaguely recall no goals in a game against a team whose record signing quite obviously practices penalties at Carrington. Time sure does drag when we’re not playing ~~well~~.

I’ve done a little research on Crystal Palace as apparently that’s what writers are supposed to do. The key word there is “little”. I’m working on the assumption that their name has something to do with their stadium as it’s a bit weird to name a group of players after a type of building (see also: Newcastle and Aston Villa). My “research” has yielded two salient points: 1) It is NOT a palace; and, B) It’s NOT made of crystal. Not even quartz, which is the James Corden of crystal varieties. There’s probably not even a crystal meth dealer in the vicinity to help the fans having to watch “London’s Barcelona” week in, week out.

Yesterday (that’s two days ago if you’re reading this tomorrow), a lazy, disloyal and overweight prick (not James Corden) got a pay rise and job security for life. This was a very timely piece of news as I definitely need the extra money after Mr Bifocal said he’s having some cash-flow problems at the moment and to please stop calling him at home. Oh, and Rooney’s been all over Twitter after he signed his name for the first time, joined-up and everything.

Prediction: I’m gonna try and channel some of Tom’s cheerful optimism this week, think only positive thoughts about the game and stop myself sinking into abject realism. Now that Rooney can finally afford to provide for his family, he won’t feel performance pressure anymore. He’ll bag a hat-trick of goals, a hat-trick of final passes that lead to goals and a hat-trick of Man of the Match accolades. FT: 1-0 Palace

About the author: I really dislike James Corden.

Brett:

Tony Pulis wears tracksuits. David Moyes used to be of tracksuit too. There has to be something in that. I consulted Ebay…

“A tracksuit is one of the most comfortable articles of clothing. Both men and women can wear these. A tracksuit consists basically of two parts, namely trousers and a jacket. This fitness clothing was generally used during sports and in the gym, while working out. They were and still are, worn over competition clothing such as a swimsuit. British Olympic 200m track athlete Dr. Oliver Johnson Schofield first coined the term ‘tracksuit’. He often wore a loosely knotted tie with the tracksuit during competition, with the idea that a gentleman should never be seen in a suit without a necktie. Thus it can be stated that he gave the humble tracksuit, the importance of business clothing. With the advent of the hip-hop culture in the 1980s, the demand for tracksuits greatly increased. They provided the comfort, flexibility and mobility that are essential for hip-hop dancing and break-dancing. The fact that tracksuits slide easily on smooth surfaces with minimal friction was an added advantage. In early 1960s, Adidas began the production of tracksuits for leisurewear. However, tracksuits were used exclusively for sports. Men’s tracksuits generally came in plain dark colours. In the 70s, tracksuits were made from gloss nylon jersey material. In the 80s, cotton tracksuits gained popularity. In this decade, another kind of tracksuit came into being. This new kind was lightweight and silky from outside, with a lighter netted material lining the inside of the tracksuit. Tracksuits with hoods have also gained importance in recent years. Tracksuits look fashionable and provide good protection from the cold winds, especially while performing sports. Thus, tracksuits prove to be ideal for jogging. In the 1990s, tracksuits became very fashionable, and people started wearing these outside the sporting arena. People also began wearing the trousers and the jackets of tracksuits separately. Thus, variations of tracksuit trousers and tracksuit jacket were made available. In fact, off late, these are largely being sold separately. During the 2000s, women’s tracksuits started being considered fashionable. The glossy and shiny tracksuits also made great club wear.The tracksuit, to this day is increasingly becoming popular. The USP of the tracksuit is that it is comfortable as well as fashionable. Many variations of the tracksuit are now available. Tracksuit bottoms are also known as sweatpants. Sweatpants are usually made from cotton. What distinguishes sweatpants is the elastic band around the ankles. Many variations of the sweatpants are also available. These include fashion pants, wind pants and so on.Tracksuits are ideal as sportswear. Today, even boys tracksuits are available in a number of styles. Occupational tracksuits are gaining popularity. Sometimes, tracksuits also make good industrial clothing and chef clothing. The colourful, shiny ones are perfect for club wear. These come embossed with crystals and other decoration that adds to the beauty of the tracksuit. Popular brands like Adidas, Nike, Puma and so on manufacture tracksuits. High fashion tracksuits are manufactured by brands like Juicy Couture. Tracksuits are also available in personalised clothing labels. Whether worn separately or as an entire ensemble, tracksuits make a great fashion statement.“

Prediction: 18:17 Oranges

Last week on Friends…

Brett — Wed, 25 Jul 2012 10:05:27 +0000

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