Here’s the final 5 things we learned from the season that taught us so much without teaching us anything we didn’t already know, or want to know or want to learn about knowing about:

1. Bad luck, Liverpool.

2. I’d rather have no chance of winning the league from the start than have all my hopes and dreams crushed on the final day of the season by Sergio Aguero

3. Wait…

4. It’s still definitely Jose’s fault. All of it. Despite him not being there for 6 months

5. Die United, Die (German for The United, the) and anyone who speaks German can’t be an evil man

Bite us.

With Liverpool inflicting the first defeat of City’s momentous title challenge collapse, the only thing that can stand in the way of United and The English Premier League crown this season is the reality of themselves.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. We played well and I enjoyed it – Pogba, Lukaku, Mata and Martial all v. Good.

2. Worst Stoke performance since Robbie at the One Love concert.

3. Tony V has a left foot now.

4. Definitive ranking of all the Highlander films: 1st=Highlander

5. There can be only one.

6. Lol at 1.

In Mourinho’s defence (DEFENCE!!) … GEDDIT!!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Didn’t watch it.

2. Who were we playing.

3. What was the score.

4. If Fellaini’s recent form is any indication, GoTG vol. 2 is gonna be gold.

5. Minus 5 cool pts for Tony V for Rashing it up on the goal-line.

6. Glenn Hoddle is a chump jive ass motherfucker.

7. Seriously, what was the score?

Here’s 5 things we learned as our mighty Reds leapfrogged our mighty Reds to take 6th place:

1. Always knew we were great.

2. Ibra is shit unless he’s good.

3. Leicester are fucking pants.

4. Nice use of ‘pants’, dad.

5. Does a Tony V assist count double?

6. Why would that help?

7. Stats.

If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have been different. I learned that before, so don’t need to put it below. And also we’re not repeaterers.

Here is the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Winning 4-0 and staying in the cup is loads better than losing 2-1 and going out.

2. I like to pretend we beat Bradley Wiggins and each goal was actually a kick to his bollocks. Fun Wiggo fact: he loves The Jam.

3. Still think we should write The Two Tonys, a Miami based police show starring Tony M & V.

4. Only if their first case is the double-murder of Fellaini and Rooney.

5. Which they can’t be arsed solving.

6. Agreed. I’ll fetch my ink and parchment.

CAPS LOCK AND VARIOUS BUTTONS ON MY COMPUTER HAVE LEGIT GONE TO SHIT> SEND HELP> CAN”T EVEN DO PUNCTUATION> FUCK MY LIFE>

Here’s 5 things we learned, which were written before the buttons issue above:

1. Pogba is bad.

2. #Pogba is worse.

3. Hope we long ball our way to next season’s Champions League Final.

4. Klopp is a speccy twat.

5. Watching Wayne play is no longer funny on any level, feels like actual cruelty.

6. How did you know there was going to be a buttons iss

Here’s 5 things we learned from what one maverick expert is calling ‘Return of the Mk’. Me. I’ll be auctioning that a joke on Ebay, on Black Friday Month.

1) That Mkhitaryan is worth every penny of that £89m.

2) People have some great theories about Westworld.

3) Gift of a Goal have started legal proceedings btw.

4) Winning 4-0 is better than drawing 0-0. See also: 1-0, 2-0 & 3-0. Although it’s obviously relative; 4-0 is loads better than 1-0 but only marginally better than 3-0.

5) Mkhitaryan autocorrects correctly on my phone now at ‘Mk..’ so much better.

6) I’m still ‘MI hit a Ryan’.

7) House bricks > Samsung.

8) What does a Mkhitaryan eat anyway?

9) Hate to piss on your chips, but even Rooney looked like he’d kicked a football a few times before.

10) *Love.

Keane and Vieira, Keown and Van Nistelrooy, Wright and Schmeichel, Wenger and Fergie, Wenger and Mourinho, Wenger and Dugout, 8 and 2, Title and Winning at Old Trafford, we gave your boys one hell of a drawing.

Here’s 5 things we learned from the latest war, in this war to end all wars in wardom:

1. Despite the result – perhaps the greatest injustice since Greedo shooting first – that was the best overall team performance this season. This is Paul, @ him if you disagree.

2. Herrera and Mata are like unicorns crossed with Jesus.

3. Tony V is the world’s greatest RB.

4. Giroud proper dyes his beard and has terrible taste in hats.

5. If we don’t score more goals than the other team then it is almost impossible to win.

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. Not surprised the unicorns were cross with Jesus tbh.