Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I loved the probability bar, opens up a whole new dimension on ‘are we winning or not I can’t tell’

2. I also loved Marcus Ashford who I named Goal Lord

3. Greenwood? More like GreenGood !! Doesn’t really work but who the fuck cares anymore

4. I loved how it was only £200 cheaper than Sky

5. I hate us

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Dave’s feet are actually hands

2. Don’t research that

3. David De Gea isn’t actually good it’s just he always seems to be in the right place at the right time. 10 or 11 times a game. Pick my lottery numbers Dave !!!

4. The ‘lads its spurs’ tweets didn’t happen. Growth or because it was lame? We may never know

5. Dave’s not here man

m

(@Benglorious)

Fuck Andy Murray. I don’t hate him because he’s Scottish. I don’t hate him because he’s a miserable cunt. I don’t even hate him because he plays the most Tory of sports. I hate him because he let the Green Goblin kill Gwen Stefani.

Prediction: Respect from Poch, enthusiasm from Ole, narrative from the press, Jenny from the block. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve always liked Andy Murray; good at tennis and fantastic mints. Please disregard Benno’s work as it is riddled with inaccuracies* and please disregard Brett’s for its jingoistic nonsense.

Legit don’t know what I want to happen today – if Poch wins it might make him want to stay at Spurs but then it might spur (lol like their name) them on to win something which might make him feel like he can go to United after achieving something. If we win, he might think ‘fuck this they’ve been shit for ages but in 5 weeks they’ve got good again and they have money’ but then also it might strengthen Ole’s case for the job full-time which could mean we miss out on Poch but then also wouldn’t that mean that Ole is better and should get the job anyway? I don’t want to even think about what it could mean if its a draw.

*he was fooled by the rocks that she’s got

Prediction: a lot of ‘Lads its Spurs’ posts with a picture of Ole talking to some players if we win, a lot of Mourinho bashing if we lose. 5-5, the greatest game in football’s history.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

This game should be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray.

**heard it’s common place in the bronx to insure your arse for £60 million tbf.

Prediction: this game not to be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray. Abso disgrace imho. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words).

Prediction: Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words). 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Who is the best Ham’? is a question that has plagued mankind since we first met pigs and subsequently ate them. In this essay I will try to answer this enigma wrapped inside yet another smaller enigma, itself hiding within Brett’s spleen and/or hairline either way surgery is probably necessary sorry Brett i didn’t invent science.

Fulham:

1. Fully invested in Ham, have to admire how they’ve nailed their colours to this particular pork mast (not prison slang)

2. Nothing else. Literally nobody knows anything about Fulham, I would be surprised and disappointed if their own supporters do.

West Ham:

1. Lol

2. Further lols

Gotham:

1. I like the arrogance; ‘Got Ham’ like a boast and a taunt (to those without ham)

2. Birthplace of Batman

3. A wonderful city full of dreamy police commissioners and delightful characters.

4. I think we can all agree the contest is over now.

Prediction: Someone to do something does anybody give a fuck anymore 1-1 Lukaku scores after falling down some stairs.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I don’t agree the contest is over…

Babycham:

1. Though it’s not clear from the file notes what happened to Babyaham, or Babybham – that have been conveniently filed in Yale University’s archives and are inaccessible until the year 2050 – we can assume that in the absence of Babydham through to Babyzham that Babycham was such a successful ham that no further ham was necessary.

Tottenham:

1. What’s with the infant theme?

Prediction: 2-1 United the piano follows up on the first Lukaku goal (see above) with a last minute diving lid.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. After a couple of minor upgrades Atreus becomes a decent ally to Kratos.

2. Herrera is the Lingard that Dele Alli thinks he is.

3. I like how every game lately has been like an A-Team episode i.e. gang gets captured (concedes a goal) but then B.A (Bad Attitude) Baracus ain’t getting on no plane.

4. Harry Kane should shave that beard before WC to avoid the old maxim ‘striker with beard, not to be feared’ imho. It also makes him look like Teen Wolf.

5. Think it’s asking a bit much to ask Harry Kane to shave that beard every time he goes to the toilet tbh.

(@Benglorious)

The sun is shining, God of War is up and running, and it’s FA Cup semi-final day. I don’t want to seem like I’m exaggerating when I say this is the greatest day in the history of our species, but it truly is the greatest day ever.

Prediction: Goals for Sanchez, Pogba and Smalling give United what looks like an easy trip back to Wembley for the final until the review board awards all three goals to Harry Kane. London explodes. Literally. Local governments dissolve in the power vacuum. Feral bands of pensioners roam the streets, hunting teenagers. Cannibalism becomes the norm. Those with the foresight to leave the British Isles during these times have their planes shot down and their boats sunk by the U.N. The country becomes a toxic wasteland and is erased from all maps and is never spoken of again. Back at work on Monday, everybody feels a tiny bit foolish. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I can’t do words today because the   on my  eyboard is bro en

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013)

That the only vaguely good parts of this film are the cameos says a lot about how terrible this film is and that the actual legend of Ron Burgundy should never have been tarnished with an appalling sequel. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: I’ve seen United play Cmonyouspuuuurs a lot of times and sometimes United have won these games and sometimes they have lost them. Other times the result has been a draw. If I had to stick my neck out and predict an actual result, I’d say that one of those three outcomes is extremely likely. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the second place EPL title already sewn up, unless it’s not, United can afford to show the whole world exactly what we’re made of: I’m putting a tenner on Unsalted Rice Cakes.

Prediction: Fellaini to start and, in spite of himself, become the FA Cup Hero who scores the best goal in FA Cup History with a volleyed elbow from 387 yards out. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

I am on holiday so suck your disappointment right on its dick.

Prediction: Me to ruin my holiday for me (I’m obvs on holiday alone cos me) by constantly checking my phone to see what great a jokes Brett is tweeting tonight. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

What words? Are we playing tonight? On a Wednesday?? Make me. Seriously.

Prediction: I should be able to do some words when I get home but I maybe sitting in the sun instead. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

After Sunday’s clown shoes display against the second worst football team in the EPL, behind us, I will not be watching out of respect for the memory of goals.

If Mourinho is planning to drop some players, I would like to request ‘on their heads … and kick them in their heads repeatedly with some really hard shoes on like clogs while they are on the floor crying and begging for forgiveness’

Prediction: All 11 (eleven) players to play so abso terribly tonight that Jo Mo has no players to select for the FA Cup game against Tottenham “based on form”, so brings Luke Shaw, Anthony Martial, Paul Pogba, and Karel Poborsky out of retirement to play at the weekend, and we get battered. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Brett’s back from Poland so there’s no need to do any words or jokes, cos he’s the best and whatever I write will only embarrass me when compared to his words or jokes.

Prediction: I write some words or jokes and am embarrassed. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am out having birthday meals please put these words: fuck the haters, one love, peace. Or a good joke about Alan Pardew.

Film Review:

To be announced.

Prediction: No good jokes about Alan Pardew. -6 – -6 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the destiny of this season’s Hasthag EPL entirely in our own hands, after shoving City off the edge of a metagorical cliff last week* (*note, I am writing this without seeing the score from their 3-1 defeat of Tottenham yesterday), we have to make sure we don’t drop any points in this game like is so obvs gonna happen.

It will be crime of the Willennium, if West Brom are relegated having sacked Alan “Alan Pardew” Pardew they don’t call him Alan Pardew for nothing. Would have (of) been geno scenes to see him cry himself to death like the Alan Pardew not even Tom and Benno deserve.

Prediction: Alexis Sanchez to agree incremental payments of 3 trillion euros per day, as a gesture of goodwill, with reference to his transfer fee versus value to the team. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

I’m taking instagam pictures of my bathroom taps and fixing a water pipe on to my dog’s face.

Prediction: Irreverent reference to lots of goals with a 0-0 United punchline.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m bench pressing wacky baccy at The Plumbing Centre.

Film Review (10BC)

10 out of 10. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Names of people who don’t even play football, doing things unrelated to football with a 44-76 United punchline.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

A lot has been said of Mourihno’s tactics since the defeat to The Spurs, probably. I have formed my own opinion from watching the match highlights in the free Metro on the bus to work the day after the day before; if we score more goals than we concede then I foresee better results.

I drew a heat map to illustrate this but the bus driver didn’t appreciate my hot urine on his face, and I didn’t get the opportunity to take a picture on my phone.

Prediction: Jason Orange > Orange Orange > Alexis Sanchez. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Tonight is when we see if Sanchez is worth paying more than a BBC presenter. Can the True Blue Gunner Gooner use his mighty Arsenal heart to vanquish the mighty Carmon Youspurs? This reporter says dunno.

Prediction: Sanchez to surpass all expectations by simply not being Armenian. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Was so distracted by classic deadline day antics I legit forgot we were playing – Barclay’s, you’ve done it again!! (This is my excuse for not doing words btw)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 5 (2018)

Jokes. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Kane able to be a killer. I dunno, this isn’t even my preview for fuck’s sake. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Copy and paste that for me too

Prediction: 0-0 United.