Benno (@Benglorious)

Eating my dinner while I’m “writing” because apparently I have more important things in my life than this shambolic website. Only joking. Not the dinner part – I’ve just dropped some mince on thr kweybnoardf.

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Opposition summary: Middlesborough should be better than my last joke, but you (me) haven’t seen them since the heady days of Fabrizio Ravanelli, Juninho and Andy Townsend – Yes, he was a footballer before he became a bell. Or maybe he was always a bell. Yeah, that one – so you (me) can’t really comment. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Brett’s thing about the well was quite good. You probably haven’t read that yet unless you’re either a) weird, or, 2) your perception of time has evolved to the point where it is not a constant. Which is weird. Anyway SPOILER ALERT he does this little gag about throwing Rooney down a well. I think you’ll like it. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care about this game so much I didn’t even know who we were playing until just now. You can’t teach that kind of apathy – when you’re all having heart attacks and that when you’re old, I’ll be safe in Doom Mountain, laughing quietly to myself and playing backgammon. Also, can someone teach me backgammon?

This week’s film reviews:

Watership Down (1978)

Based on Richard Adam’s novel, it’s basically about rabbits. Catchy theme. As old as me. That aside, pretty good.

The Death of the Incredible Hulk (1990. Lol)

Awful. Truly awful. Does have Lou Ferrigno though and still better than all the new ones. That aside, pretty good.

Goodfellas (1990)

Misleading title. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Affordable and reliable hoverboards by 2020. Wayne is still playing then; he has not got better. 3-0 United or Boro, goals to be scored by their respective players after shots on goal are not stopped by the goalkeeper. Which is like his one job.

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 Brett (@ttenTION(like soldiers innit)

I remember when Middlesborough were something, but I can’t remember exactly what. It definitely wasn’t a frisbee, or a collection of vintage cufflink boxes or, or an army of seahorses. I’ll narrow it down on the spreadsheet, I’ve lovingly prepared on the back of this cigarette packet, and get back to you…

One thing Middlesborough definitely are is the proverbial banana skin: yellow and bitter. Suck on my a banter. 

We should drop Rooney. Down a well.

Prediction: Danny with his costume drama recital. You try finding more words that begin with ‘Cus’, then seal them in an envelope and post them up your face. Vangle’s boys to get the result we/you/us deserve. 0-0 United (0-0 on penalties, a.e.t).

Welbeck has one ‘L’ of a problem with ‘greedy’ Lallana.

When it was announced earlier this week that both Andros Townsend and Michael Carrick would be returning from International duty to their respective employers, as a result of minor knocks picked up during England training, no-one thought anything of it… but that was one ‘L’ of a mistake…

Tensions frayed, earlier this week, when Danny Welbeck and Calum Chambers were reading the Metro on the bus on the way into training and noticed England teammates Gary Cahill and Adam Lallana were ‘carrying a spare’. The pair were left stunned by the shocking discovery and it proved too much for the young England stars to stomach; as both have been singled out and ridiculed for the overwhelming lack of the letter ‘L’ in their respective names, since birth.

Roy Hodgson has never hidden his preference for ‘Non-‘L’ers’, in handing Wayne Rooney, and before him, Steven Gerrard, the England captaincy, but it was assumed, by F.A bosses and experts, that the appointment of Gary Neville (a Two-‘L’er) – as a balance – had eased any lingering tension. Unfortunately the animosity between the One-‘L’ers, Non-‘L’ers, Two-‘L’ers and Surplus-‘L’ers, is yet again threatening to split the England dressing room in four!

When Michael Carrick a fellow One-‘L’er, and father figure to the young One-‘L’ers in the squad, confronted Cahill and Lallana, Towsend (a Non-‘L’er) stepped in: the violent scenes that erupted left the dressing room needing a really good tidy up.

A source said, “Rooney’s degenerative condition in his knees … no wait, you were asking me about ‘L’s in players names … I’m sorry you’ve lost me. That makes no sense.”

As you list the players that have gone down in the history books as the greatest players ever in the history books of history, it’s clear to see players with ‘L’s come out on top, if you ignore approximately half of them, Maradona, Eric Cantona, Cruyff etc… and just consider the ones that substantiate the theory that this is a real serious issue: Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele etc…

Either way it’s abundantly clear, it’s an ‘L’ of a problem for Roy and he needs to learn how to deal with it fast!