Here’s another 5 things learned:

1. Arsenal are very bad

2. Rashford is very good.

3. Don’t do a preview before anyone else you’re wasting your life.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Moyes to crank up the post-match interview game by drop-kicking everyone in the head. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Captain Fellaini 2017

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That aside, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Prediction: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

David Moyes was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our great escape from the top four, and paving the way for future generations of 6th place finishes. Hopefully, his achievements at Sunderland, in finally fulfilling their lifelong ambition to be relegated, will be suitably rewarded i.e death by cupboard dropped on his stupid mouth face from a plane carrying a ‘chosen one’ banner, piloted by Marouane Fellaini.

Alternate preview: The cupboard was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our capacity to draw (DRAWER).

Alternate preview 2: Phallus in Sunderland (Alice in Wonderland).

Prediction: All the possessions. All the shots. All the posts. All the goals disallowed for being onside. All the things she said. All the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head (but substitute ‘she’ for ‘he’ i.e Jose, photoshopped over a picture of Luke Shaw). GGMU. 0-0 United.

Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East were left without a seat in the first class carriage, cos Martial and Pogba had reserved them for themselves, and they weren’t moving for anyone, even small children and pensioners cos their goals were purchased online weeks in advance. Choo-Choo – one more like, cos of the trains. Full steam ahead!!

Here’s 5 things we learned at the festive football buffet cart:

1. Martial = actually good.

2. Pogba = actually good.

3. Fellaini = actually not *that* bad unless you compare him everyone else who is actually good.

4. Suck it Lee Mason, you bastard chimera of foreskin and Phil Mitchell.

5. See 1-4 above.

6. 1 to 4 or 1 minus 4? Both = actually good. Just not sure our audience would appreciate the intricacies/intelligenceness of the arguments raised/consideredness by -3. Or any of our – points. Hence, I only ever publish the 5 plus points.

7. Bob Mortified more like.

Jose Mourinho said afterwards, “Who said anything about slicing you up, man? I just wanted to carve a little ‘Z’ on your forehead”.

Here’s 5 things we did learn:

1. Fuck off.

2. I think 1. covers it tbh.

3. I think 2. emphasises more succinctly the balance between the positives and negatives; visa vi usurping 1. as the point that covers it imho.

4. Fuck off.

5. I concur that 4. largely addresses the main issues raised in 1 and 2, although they were somewhat qualified in 3.

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*.

If the English Premier League stopped right now we would be crowned Champions. Providing when they stopped, they didn’t just stop completely, and were professional enough to want to complete all outstanding admin and tie up all loose ends. If they’re just stopping and fucking off to some diamond money superyacht in the Seychelles Islands, then we’re no better off than when Moyes was ‘ere.

*idiot.

‘Ere’s 5 tings us be learning abaat dat innit – GEDDIT?! cos street:

A) Didn’t watch it.

1. Having Shaw back is ace as he is ace.

2. Fellaini surprisingly not awful. Assume we’re in different timeline, will keep eye on.

3. Zlatan has converted me to love all things Swedish (I was holding a grudge over Saab)

4. Rooney is still bad. Is there a timeline where he isn’t? (I think you mean ‘when’? Lol. Abed)

5. Eric Bailly = opposite of London i.e. is actually good.

I) Something really caught my eye: a low hanging branch when I was on the way home this morning from my night shift. I was asleep when the football was on ie didn’t watch it. Even with my one good eye.

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

West Ham were the opponents for this cup game and I bet they wished they’d spent more money on players rather than wasting it on expensive bubbles. Rashford was the key, for the nine hundredth time this season, with a goal so good that he’s surpassed the need to have a stand at Old Trafford named after him – Manchester is annexing Oldham and naming it after our newest hero. Infrastructure improvements will come based on appearances and trophies.

Here’s the five things the three of us learned from the match even though it was really only two of us and it’s probably more or less than five things anyway:

Emoji that looks like a football) Rashdawg is the new Roondog but better because he can actually do those goal things.

Emoji that looks like a trophy) David de Savid is the new Petid de Schmeichid but better because of his hair and stuff.

Emoji that looks like dollar dollar bills yo) Herrera weighs the same as a small bag of sugar.

Emoji that looks like that piece of fire thing that the kids love so much) Fellaini is exactly like Groot except that he doesn’t give his life for his teammates, which is a shame. His vocabulary is also less-advanced.

Emoji that looks like a weird trumpet oh it’s a tannoy speaker thing) I concur.