(@Benglorious)

This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?

The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.

Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:

last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer.  Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.

Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.

I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.

Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*

*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.

Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong  before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.

 @Benglorious)

It’s so much easier to write a decent preview after we’ve won the previous game.

Prediction: Lukaku to continue his development by kissing his sister and then hitting the winner into the exhaust port. 3-1, United

 m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Cannot do words today. I am a conscientious objector over Swansea’s role in Vietnam. Damn them, damn them straight to hell.

Prediction: Two goals, one for the each of you. 0-0 United 

m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I also can not do words today. Though I deplore Swansea’s role in Vietnam, I could never turn my back on our fans, in the way that Tom has – which ironically makes Tom just as bad as Swansea imho, only with emotions and not eating faces off of living people after breaking their arms with your wings.

I’m at a wedding in Poland and this message has already taken me 23mins to send, cos the internet in the farming village of Zszszszszszszov is Polish.

Prediction: On the dance floor in one hour dancing with someone’s grandma to Polish chart hits i.e anything from our charts mid-80s i.e standard wedding hits in us country i.e hashtag win. In two hours, more shots. In two hours and 10 mins, bedtime.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Refusing to do a preview after Tom smashed it last game. Let’s see him do it again.

m

Opposition summary: PSV do football.

Prediction:  I don’t have a point to forget. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Chapter 2

McGhee opened his eyes cautiously; despite being the sole passenger on Air Force One, a lifetime at the School of hard knocks and detective skills had left him with an almost preternatural sense of things being ever so slightly amiss. The last 24 hours came rushing back to him like a bolt – deep down he’d always known this day would come, but why now, why Saigon? He just wasn’t that guy anymore, the steamy jungles and Charlie were his past goddammit, the private detective agency he’d founded was his second chance! McGhee punched the arm of his luxury chair in frustration “Goddammit” he whispered between his teeth, echoing the previous goddammit he’d said in his head.

He needed a drink. And time to think. Noticing those two things rhymed brought a wry smile to his weathered face. He wondered, would he be smiling when this was all over…

Detecting a slight movement in the plane – a movement imperceptible to any man not combat trained to like level 28 – McGhee interrupted his own reverie with more thoughts: who was this mysterious dame that had got Obama and the UN so spooked? Why was he, essentially the perfect killing machine but on land i.e. not a shark, being sent into Vietnam to investigate these disappearances? Did they need him for the detective skills that had seen him twice grace the cover of Best Detective Weekly and get an award from Batman? Or did they hope that beneath his icy demeanour, there still beat the warrior’s heart that had earned him the name El Guapo Loco? One thing was for sure – he’d probably find out the hard way….

Prediction:  There’s a game on? Lol. Of course there is, against that submersible captained by the guy from Jaws. You get new jokes. Gonna be a real barn-stormer tonight lads, liquid goals which will then solidify into actual goals. 4-0 United, Memphis to score all 6. If he plays and isn’t shooting the remake of Enter the Dragon. That aside, pretty good.

 .

 Brett (@entionstarved)

He did it again. Nice one Benno. What a selfish towel.

Prediction: Book deal. Film adaptation. An invitation to the plastic pantomime with their promises crafted from the evaporating tears of a unicorn. A ride on the merry-go-round of debauchery, in the backfield’s recreational ground of fame.  Jammy git.