@Benglorious)

City 5-0 Liverpool. The prosecution rests, M’Lud.

Prediction: Me to finally realise that prosecution does NOT mean the same as electrocution. Unless it does. Ain’t nobody got no time to check these facts. Lukaku to gain an audience with Jabba by mind-tricking Bib Fortuna who is actually Peter Crouch. 4-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

‘You will never find,

a more wretched hive,

of scum and villainy’  –  Obi-Wan Kenobi re: Stoke

You say ‘Stoke’, you hear ‘Tony Pulis’. And he hasn’t been their manager since 2012 or summat (don’t check this). Can only assume its now either Mark Hughes or Steve Bruce. The point is, nobody cares. Other things about Stoke:

1. It has an area of 36 square miles

2. It is home of the Pottery Industry lol in England. The team’s nickname is The Potters. Despite there being no evidence any of the players ever having even a passing interest in this rather archaic past-time (its not an industry  -making steel is an industry)

3. ‘Aww their Striker is tall’ *Ray Romano from popular US sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond voice* (Ray’s brother was very tall, it was hilarious). Peter Crouch is the tallest footballer in world history.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Still refuse to watch

Prediction: I bottle publishing my first page draft of Titanic 3: Thrice the Ice despite it being critically acclaimed by at least two actors. Rashford to score 6 and we win the league with [however many games are left] to go. Wayne turns up pissed at HT and goes full Delia on everyone’s ass.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Just read Tom’s preview and completely lost the will to li

Prediction: It’s TRItanic, bell! 0-0 United.

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 FLC Nominated for crimes against fun/lols (@Benglorious)

Losttheirlustre City is the kind of joke you should always start with. Secondly, you should say something about Red Leicester even though they play in blue. Needs workshopping, that one. I’ll see if Brett manages to punch it up and then just steal it.

Coming off the back of the Northampton game is something you’d normally get arrested for, but not these pampered millionaires. Classic double standards in my harambe opinion. Disunirregardless of the quality of United’s legal team, the victory still counts so now we’re back on track for another treble. Leicester are the current holders of one of the trophies, but it can’t be one of the important ones because it’s Leicester innit.

Prediction: The only type of goal that Rashford hasn’t scored yet is a 40-yard screaming header, so put your house on him scoring at least one of those. Every two minutes. 6-0 United.

 FYC Nominated for driving us Craaaazy (@tom_mcghee)

Got to go to A&E chances are I won’t be back. So feel free to write mine.

Bridget Jones’ Baby 2016

The eponymous heroine of the cult trilogy returns for more glols than you can shake an ageing/dead-eyed Mr Darcy at. Who’s the Daddy? Is it him? Is it him? Guess we’ll never know, unless we stay till at least the end of the trailers next time. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Mourinho and Ranieri to get themselves into a hilarious scuffle, that sees them both end up in a water feature by a posh house and emerge ABSOLUTELY WET THROUGH!!!! Comedy gold. 12-0 United cos Rash. 0-12 Leicester cos Rooney.

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 F&F nominated best rainbow t-shirt *wink wink* (@ttackattackattack)

LIEcester more like. Cos ‘I’ before ‘E’, accept after ‘C’. And Lies. As in conspiracies. Have you ever noticed how you never see Leicester, the so called English Premier League Champions, and the English Premier League Trophy in the same dream about Gary Lineker’s tits?

Speaking of which: after Gary Lineker broke his promise of doing MOTD in his underwear by presenting in a giant’s handkerchief, Leicester have lost their lustre. Losttheirluster more like. That’s pretty good actually. Should have started with that tbh.

Prediction: Young Rash and his permanent purple patch: he shoots from every angle and indigo. That’s mine. You can’t use it without asking very nicely. 0-0 United.