(@Benglorious)

Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, injured by Jones, Mourinho has a real defensive dilemma on his hands which he can easily fix by replacing the unavailable pair with two other defenders. Mata is also out because he’s hurt his winky, which pretty much guarantees a start for Fellaini, which pretty much guarantees three points. Point one, finesse is right out. Point two, goals are right out. Point three, I’m going right out. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Made a path today. Only for the side of the house where no-one goes but the service engineer moaned last time so its basically just for him, the selfish cunt. Went for a rustic effect by using bricks I found in the outside walls of my own house, then tied it all together with pea-shingle and kiln sand (special sand, you’ve probably never heard of it in your London ivory towers). Looked pretty good to be honest, solid 8/10. That’ll be £600.

Logan (2017)

As close to my actual real life as a fictional film can be, I really liked it when he killed people brutally in their faces with his adamantium claws. Richard E Grant is terrible but you have to admire his consistency. The exact opposite of London = Bad, this was actually very good.

Prediction: 1-1. Lol, because of all the draws. Its not that funny. Brett to get Graham Gooch inspired hair plugs.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

When I last watched football I was a balding, lonely, 38 year old man, with just two clowns for not-in-real-life-just-on-the-internet friends … and look at me now!!

I’d like to reiterate how nice it would be if someone were to take Benno to the football today. Someone a bit murdery, or with murderous tendencies preferable.

Call me an old fashioner, but I like it when we have all the players i.e when we don’t have to pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini.

Really hope Tom falls my service engineer April Fool and makes a path for the side of the house where no-one goes. This is Paul.

Prediction: We pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini. 0-0 United.

Even more exciting was the sight of Captain Evaporation being subbed off; 3 years after old father time had held up the metaphorical, literal, and metaphorical fourth official’s electronic subs board.

Hey! I just thought of an a joke: Why did all the pictures in Master of precipitation Vangle’s house keep falling down? Because he didn’t use a tack. A tack. A ta etc.

Here’s 5 things we literally and metaphorically learned about ourselves this weekend:

a) Sideways passing is definitely more lateral.

ii) Winning is like sex: it doesn’t happen as often as you’d like and you always cry afterwards.

3) Anthony Martial is the new Jesus.

d) Ander Herrera is the new Paul (Jesus’ pal)

5) WBA might be the worst thing ever.

6) That aside, pretty good.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

In a classic case of life imitating darts, Brett hasn’t written his thing yet so I can’t steal any of his stuff. To make matters even more like that thing I said in the first sentence, Tom hasn’t written anything since the incident so there’s no chance of me even poncing one tiny joke out of his lifeless body (note to self: google how to tell when meat has gone bad). I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary: WBA Moscow are the only team in the Premiership League that I made sound hella cool just by not deleting the word ‘Moscow’ from my previous post.

Prediction:  After Captain Leader Legend Wayne Mark Rooney ruined everything in the world by scoring in midweek he’s bound to go on one of his usual scoring runs, most likely bagging himself a hat-trick against the Baggies today. I see through his lies, though. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Seeing as we haven’t had a Whatsapp chat that I can just copy and paste, I’m actually going to have to think about things to write. Pfffft. As if.

Spectre (2015) is the new Bond film that everyone hates. That aside, pretty good.

Inception (2010) is that weird film about dreamy thiefs or whatever that everyone says is amazing because they don’t want to look stupid but they shouldn’t worry about looking stupid because it is actually not a good film. No, not one bit. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  I agree with Benno because he’s the most handsome and rich and virile out of the three or four or however many people we are. 1-o Celta Vigo Mortenson because films innit. What happened to him anyway? He was good in that one where he was pretending he wasn’t a hitman but it turned out he really was a hitman. Return of the King (2003). That aside. Pretty good.

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 Brett (@oldyerwewasthebest)

In a classic case of darts imitating life, imitating darts I have written my thing after Benno so he can’t steal any of my stuff. To make matters even more like that thing I said in the first sentence, Tom hasn’t written anything since the incident so there’s no chance of him even poncing one tiny joke out of his lifeless body (note to Benno: google how to tell when meat has gone bad). He’ll have forgotten his point.

West Brom isn’t even a place. And whatever you do do, don’t google WBA: it’s just lots of stuff about football. Really disgusting. Like anybody cares. It’s like they say ‘Rugby is a thugs game, played by posh clowns. And Football is just a relentless apocalyptic tidal wave of bullshit played by the man.

Prediction: Danny with his cufflinks (but like you’re one the phone with a bad line, so the ‘ff’ sounds like ‘ss’). I’m now eating hobnobs with other bigger websites with cool combinations of upper case and lower case letter in their name, so I’m predicting big things for myself. I’m never making Benno those puppets he asked for either. Fuck Bifurcated. 0-0 United.

Thought for the Day: You can turn too many corners.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Half-five kick off today.  Why’s it not called “2.5” instead as a timesaver? (FYI: I had to check that sum with my old maths teacher this morning to distract him when he happened upon me using his toilet) I decided to try and find out:

“Tom, who are we playing on Saturday?”

“Erm, West Brom.”

“Cool.  At home?”

“Erm, yeah?”

“Cool cool.  What time’s kick off?”

“Two point five.”

“Cool cool cool.  No, wait….  What?”

“Kick off is two point five.  You know: A two-y? A tenth of a quarter century? A TQC? A quarter-decimal? A QD? Half-past five?”

“Cool.  Cool cool cool.  Sooooooooo….. Is that morning or afternoon?” 

[fade out to anguished scream and breaking sounds, possibly from bones and/or teeth]

Conclusion: Awareness needs to be raised.

Prediction:  West Brom visit Old Trafford today to face a team still stinging from last week’s visit to Goodison Park.  Vangle will apply the dock leaves himself and rejuvenate his team in the process.  Van Persie will score the first unless he doesn’t and Roondog will add to that possible goal with a goal of his own which would make it the second goal in the match for United unless Robin’s didn’t happen in which case it would be the first United goal unless another United player entirely scored the first goal before the second goal from our captain.  1-0 West Brom.

Where are they right now?

Eric Djemba-Djemba

Still scrubbing the Vicks out of that shirt.

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

West Bromwich – or Broom Village – is a town in the West Midlands of the country called England.  It is situated 5 miles (or 8 kilo-metres) northwest of Birmingham on the A-41 London to Birkenhead road. Its population is 75405 and its Latin motto translates as “Work Conquers All” which would suggest their grasp of Latin is poor. Did invent the broom though.

Features:

Claremont Hall: built during the 1750s, a ‘lofty, neat-looking house of brick, faced with stone, with iron palisades etc in front’ Lovely stuff.

Cholera Epidemic: tackled with the introduction of a sewerage farm. Not so good.

Marks & Spencers Store: Closed in 1990 to be replaced by a new store at Merry Hill. Largely indifferent.

Darren Fletcher Statue: Why wouldn’t you?

The Postcode is B70-B71 and the dialling code is 0121.

Prediction: Liquid goals. Not like there’s so many it appears to be almost fluid due to the sheer speed and number, but rather actually goals that change state because they’re so good. Let’s say 3 of them, RVP & Roonhound with a brace apiece.

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  Brett (@ParoleHearing)

Denied : (