(@Benglorious)

Prediction:  0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I have done no words as I hate you both.

Infinity War (2018)

Looks good.

Prediction: I didn’t ask for your life story M8.

 m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I have done no words cos no internet at my new cribizzle for shizzle boisizzles!

Prediction: I read between the lines. 0-0 United.

Welbeck has one ‘L’ of a problem with ‘greedy’ Lallana.

When it was announced earlier this week that both Andros Townsend and Michael Carrick would be returning from International duty to their respective employers, as a result of minor knocks picked up during England training, no-one thought anything of it… but that was one ‘L’ of a mistake…

Tensions frayed, earlier this week, when Danny Welbeck and Calum Chambers were reading the Metro on the bus on the way into training and noticed England teammates Gary Cahill and Adam Lallana were ‘carrying a spare’. The pair were left stunned by the shocking discovery and it proved too much for the young England stars to stomach; as both have been singled out and ridiculed for the overwhelming lack of the letter ‘L’ in their respective names, since birth.

Roy Hodgson has never hidden his preference for ‘Non-‘L’ers’, in handing Wayne Rooney, and before him, Steven Gerrard, the England captaincy, but it was assumed, by F.A bosses and experts, that the appointment of Gary Neville (a Two-‘L’er) – as a balance – had eased any lingering tension. Unfortunately the animosity between the One-‘L’ers, Non-‘L’ers, Two-‘L’ers and Surplus-‘L’ers, is yet again threatening to split the England dressing room in four!

When Michael Carrick a fellow One-‘L’er, and father figure to the young One-‘L’ers in the squad, confronted Cahill and Lallana, Towsend (a Non-‘L’er) stepped in: the violent scenes that erupted left the dressing room needing a really good tidy up.

A source said, “Rooney’s degenerative condition in his knees … no wait, you were asking me about ‘L’s in players names … I’m sorry you’ve lost me. That makes no sense.”

As you list the players that have gone down in the history books as the greatest players ever in the history books of history, it’s clear to see players with ‘L’s come out on top, if you ignore approximately half of them, Maradona, Eric Cantona, Cruyff etc… and just consider the ones that substantiate the theory that this is a real serious issue: Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele etc…

Either way it’s abundantly clear, it’s an ‘L’ of a problem for Roy and he needs to learn how to deal with it fast!

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a couple of emotionally-charged weeks in the Glorious household.  I imagine United’s transfer shenanigans have also left both of you not knowing whether to dance with joy or sob your eyes out.  Not just tears but proper chest-heaving cries and loads of snot running into your mouth tasting like hot, salty yoghurt.

He’s gone.

Two simple words, yet they cut deeper than two swords made out of even sharper swords.  This is a man who grew up in the family United.  A young boy at the biggest club in the land;  a teenager at the biggest club in the land; and finally a man at the biggest club in the land.  There were moments of his that got you out of your seat, screaming his name.  Conversely, there were moments that had you putting your hands on your head, moaning his name.  Deep down, we all knew that he wasn’t “United quality” and that he’d always be fighting for his place in the first team, but it never mattered.  His hard work, his skill-set, his dedication and his unparallelled humility made him arguably the biggest fan favourite since Giggs ripped off his shirt against Arsenal, which caused even Richard Keys to cry out in shock at his hirsuteness.

We love you and we always will.  All the best at Villa, Tom.

Apparently, we’re playing Queen’s Park Rangers next which should be a walkover for us.  In my opinion, park rangers aren’t ever going to be able to compete with professional footballers, regardless of who they work for –  they’re basically just power hungry gardeners with delusions of grandeur.  Players to watch out for include club legend Les Ferdinand; the White Messi, Bobby Zamora (is he white?) and Joey Barton a.k.a. the English Socrates (not the footballer, the other one.  Actually, not him either.  He’s more like if Piers Morgan and Ralph Wiggum had a kid and the kid that their kid bullied is Joey).

Prediction:  With so many new signings I have no idea who’s going to play, where they’re going to play, why they’re going to play or even what they’re going to play.  The hipstormation this week is anyone’s guess except Vangle’s, I suppose, but even he must be looking at his vast collection of shiny new players and wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do with them.  Now that Welbz has gone (note to self: find out if there’s a sad song that laments a boy called ‘Danny’ and if not, write one) I reckon that new lad with the flowing locks will get a start up front due to his incredible ability in the air, although Atreyu must be gutted that his mate’s gone.  He’ll bag two on debut, after being set up for both by Rooney after some sick (“street” “sick”, not “hugging the toilet, wishing you were dead” “sick”) build-up play from Angie Diana Mary and Robin.  That fat kid from Southampton will score after half-time from his position at left-back or left wing-back or left-side-of-a-back-three or lef…. Nah, he won’t score.  Instead, Mata will with a sublime free-kick right at the death to kill off all resistance from the Super ‘oops.  1-0 QPR.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

After witnessing first-hand (AT THE GAME) the opening day defeat to Swansea and then sitting through the Burnley debacle (I watched that on the telly. I won’t keep explaining how I watched them it’s just I haven’t really got a lot to say at the minute so this is kinda stalling), I think we all agreed that changes needed to be made. And that Anderson should be sent to live on the moon to eat all the moon cheese*.

That didn’t happen – he replaced Di Maria in a game. In real life – but I did see some small bits of news about some of our other business; whole host of deadwood (so dead it gives deadwood a bad name. And it’s already called deadwood) rather unceremoniously shipped out the door to be replaced by genuine proven talent or very promising potential. Any immediate concerns I may have had about how this will work were allayed by remembering that our manager isn’t David Moyes. It might also be worth noting that I’ve paid zero attention to this Welbz nonsense so if you see me predicting him to score just let it go.

So, The Queen’s own Park Rangers. The chance to see if Redknapp is further along on his path to becoming Pizza the Hutt (Spaceballs. You’re too young) and whether Rio can still do anything aside from promote those caps with a number on them….I want to say 8? That aside, we’ll only care who they are if we lose so I’m not getting into it. Suffice to say it’d be nice if Joey had a mare and got attacked by a tiger. That only he could see.

[ROUSING CALL TO ARMS SPEECH TO BE ADDED LATER]

I know its been poor but its been that kind of start – by rights we should destroy QPR until they are defeated by the number of goals we’ve scored. Its got to start happening sooner or later so I’m going for a convincing 3-0, Danny getting his now perfunctory  brace and Falcao a 30yard screamer which he dedicates to the memory of Tom Cleverley.

*This is actually a thing; the moon is getting larger due to science – Ando, with is ability to eat absolutely anything, is being touted as the humane solution. This is why he wasn’t sold – NASA are interested.

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Brett:

Ben (Benglorious):

Not really sure if there’s any point writing anything today.  Liverpool are cruising to the title as we speak, and I’m pretty sure that is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Don’t quote me on that; it’s been a while since I read that Bible thing.  I suppose I should fulfil my contractual obligations to this website, before I spend the rest of my Bank Holiday finding a cheap lawyer to get me out of said contract.  Wonder if Paul Stretford does pro bono?  Why would anyone be pro-Bono?  The man’s so smug and self-righteous that I can’t even think of a half-decent analogy.

David Moyes has done pretty well this season, even after losing last season’s top goalscorer.  He’s had his poor moments, let’s be honest, but to still be challenging near the top of the table with the squad he’s got needs commend…

[Phone rings: “Hello?…. The United manager?!…. Since when?….. But what about Fergie?….. END OF LAST SEASON?! Jebus….. Then who…. The Wigan manager?….. Yup…. Yup….. Mmmhmmm….. I know, I know…. They asked ME to write for THEM, it’s not my fault that I know nothing about football, but having Moyes in charge would explain a lot about this season….. ……. ……. ……. …… …… …… I’ve tried, Mum, I don’t think enough people read this to be honest, and most people have laptops nowadays so they wouldn’t need your monitor…. Personally, I’d bin it, but I’m sure Oxfam would love it sitting on their shelf for 6 months before they throw it in the bin…. Sorry, you’ve thrown me a bit with that Fergie stuff….. Yup, I’ll keep trying…. Okay, then.  I’ll see you next Tuesday…..  Sorry!  I didn’t think you’d know what that meant.  Anyway, gotta go.  Love you, mummy.”]

Players to watch out for today would’ve included Fellaini, but apparently he plays for us now.

Prediction:  This is obviously a bigger game for the Toffees than for United, as they’ve got a realistic chance of finishing fourth.  That doesn’t mean that we should just hand them the game, and I fully expect Rooney to score from 117 yards against his old club, before Welbz zup zups his way through the Everton defence to slot a goal of the season contender all whilst De Gea throws himself about at the other end like Dr Octopus fighting Spiderman AND Green Goblin to keep the unlikeliest of clean sheets under immense pressure.  1-0 Everton.

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Free to a good home:  Rotary washing line, pegs not included.

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About the author:  I need to stop using Soccer AM for my research.

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Brett:

When we look back on this season, taking all things into account, we will no doubt look at the job David Moyes has done and realise just how good a manager he really is. He’s done amazingly well to shape the tired squad he was left with by his long serving Scottish predecessor. The way the previous manager had shaped the club tactically and mentally, meant he had his work cut out to put his own unique stamp on things, but he’s managed it seemingly effortlessly. The Fellaini transfer was an absolute masterstroke – never has a team needed a bold statement of intent like that to really push on and introduce a new, more dynamic, dimension to their attacking play.  He’s taken the step up in his stride: he always looked capable of going on to manage at a higher level, and he’s really shown that.

Oh, David Moyes is our manager, isn’t he?! I keep forgetting. Okay, the first paragraph still stands: just substitute David Moyes out for Roberto Martinez. I’d forget my neck if David Moyes hadn’t made me repeatedly smash it against a brick wall for the past 7 months. My head went a little bit before that.

So, will he play the triangle, or won’t he?! Personally, I think if he’s going to play anything at his leaving do, it should be the trombone.

Prediction: Manchester United to put in a complaint to the Premier League, stating that teams have been at an unfair advantage going into games against us knowing beforehand how rubbish we are, and they agree to play the whole season again.

Ben (Benglorious):

What a week, eh?  Finally got confirmation about my new flat and also going to save one whole pence off every pint I don’t buy.  Oh, and United somehow remembered that they were United and well and truly spanked those Greeks to earn a clash against some no-mark German team in the next round of the Champions League.

Today we visit Upton Park, named after Billy Joel’s classic 80’s hit Tell Her about It.  The ‘ammers have been in fine form this season under Sam Allardyce’s shrewd stewardship, banging in goals left, right, up, down and diagonally, whilst barely concedi… Sorry.  Can’t keep that up.  They’re one of those teams that aren’t really worth writing or caring about, even though they are the closest Premiership team to where I live.  Apart from Norwich.  The only notable thing abut them is that they play in Villa’s kit, probably because some Cockney nutjob back in the day stole a job lot whilst waving about a shoo’er, guv.

Key players to watch out for are Jürgen Klinsmann,  Franz Beckenbauer and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, although that may be West Germany I’m thinking of.  I don’t really care.  I think I mentioned the not caring before, you’ll have to read back and check as I can’t be bothered.

Prediction:  “Demis Roussos… Prince Philip… Poseidon… Socrates (the Greek one)… You boys tooka helluva beating!”  was the main part of my phone call to my local taverna after Wednesday night’s match, which wasn’t taken in the humour it was intended as the restaurant is actually owned by Clive from Southend.  Anyway, still buoyant from our final victory in Europe this season, I’m in a double, super-positive mood even with the loss of Robin for a few weeks.  Moyes will have the chance to try out a new forward line, so I’m seeing a goal a piece for Adnan and Danny, with Mata chipping in (literally) a third, all whilst Rooney bangs in the greatest hat-trick the world has ever seen.  The Irons won’t know what’s f*cking hit ‘em!!  1-0 West Ham.

About the author:  I really DO know @tom_mcghee in real life.  Yes, he really IS a massive b*ll.

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Brett:

I could take a loss at this point – abject disappointment has become a good friend of mine over the course of the season *abject disappointment whispers ‘I hate you’* – if it meant we didn’t have to sit through the physical embodiment of banter that is Kevin Nolan’s goal celebration sponsored by #LADS.

I’m a goal celebration lover make no mistake, cut me and I bleed knee-slides: Goal Celebrations, United, Wife, Kids – in that order. But that one … oh, and the golf swing one. Come to think of it, the pointing at the name on the shirt is a bit meh these days. The baby cradling’s had its day – when Bebeto did it. And while we’re here those alleged racist ones are a bit very racist for my liking. Almost forgot about the pointing upwards one; I know where the sky is, thanks all the same. Lifting up your shirt to reveal a ‘Keep Calm…’ message; sorry Berba. That Robbie Keane one. That one Chandler off of Friends did that time. The punch in the eyes that is the Daniel Sturridge thing. Not to mention the myriad affected ones. And how could we forget the one I got my team to do as a protest against fox hunting, where we played out a whole scene, with the fox emerging victorious. Actually, that one was pretty good. Are there any celebrations left?

You think you know yourself.

Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two (nice to have that back, like a warm hug). *A meat gag on account of the name Ham, with the punchline the stakes are too high (but steaks cos of the written/spoken thing)*

D

Is the smile that you put on my face, by adding a colon and a dash, or no space  : -D

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A

That’s your rating: A-star at A-Level. The composure of Eric, and the soul of a Neville.

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NN

The Zs from ‘Zup Zup’, turned up on their side. Though no smuggled letters can deny you’re Dat Guy.

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Y

The catapult, aimed straight at my heart. Or a question for Moyes: ‘Y’ don’t you start (in your preferred position, as opposed to being shoved way out on the left, when you’ve proven on more than one occasion this season that when you actually start up-front you score goals)?

WE

Never lose when you’re in the side. Yeah, I’ve seen the statistics … whose poem is this?!

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L

Only one ‘L’, where perhaps should be two?! Was that originally a typo? It really feels like there should be two.

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BE

You can be whoever you want. But best be yourself; identity theft is a crime.

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CK

The underwear I borrowed off your line. There was really no need to get the police involved.

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You probably wouldn’t want them back now.