Benno (@Benglorious)

All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. Rooney to be re-BOURNEmouth as the passionate goal machine who used to be able to get the whole country on its feet.  The whole team will give no quarter against Chelsea NORwich expect any. Another defeat for Vangle will surely not keep the WOLFsburg from the doors of Old Trafford and our long-suffering manager will soon be out on his ARSEnal. 0-0 United. 

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words today lads. Hold your tears.

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 Brett(@homeforchristmasinnit)

I can’t do words now lads cos holding tears.

BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA (1/-1)

Here’s five things we learned from Europa League qualification:

Swan) We couldn’t keep the wolf from the door, so to speak.

Twit twoo) Louis van Gaal is a fraud. When I mispronounce stuff I just get laughed at but he seems to have made it into a whole career.

Tree-creeper) The whole Fellaini joke has gone on too long. And we know of what we speak in this example.

Caaw) I don’t think losing and drawing games is gonna help win stuff overall. It’s basic numbers, math, new math, pi etc.

Finch) Give it to Pulis.

Signettes) Nick Powell likes us. Knew he bloody would.

Swanagain) Going on dates when your 37, is just like going on dates when you were 17. You arrive on your own and leave on your own.

Eagle) The Universe is burdened with one more infinitely disappointed female person.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Roondog is getting really good at not taking pens.

2) Vangle wears suits better than my Uncle Peter.

3) Dogs can look up.

4) If you disable the room stat on your upstairs heating circuit and operate the 2 -port valve manually, you can turn your house into a tropical paradise.

5) I need new shoes.

6) We can do 5. Oh. Shit.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It would appear I hadn’t fixed my computer as well as I thought I had this lunchtime. I’m doing my words now but I’m cutting it very close. Yours twos had better be good cos I’ve got nothing lol. Prolly have to use an old pic, the Basti one cos of the Germans. The fans will be gutted.

m

Opposition summary: This isn’t Whatsapp.

Prediction: Neither is this. 0-0 United.

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

‘Wolfsburg’ means ‘Wolves town’ and upon further research, its literally the birthplace of all wolves, including rhampton Wanderers, Winston, that guy from 90s Gladiators (Wolf) and Ghost, the best wolf from Game of Thrones, even though he was the like the runt of the litter. It is NOT the birthplace of Bonfire of the Vanities author, Tom Wolfe, despite his protestations to the contrary (he was born in Richmond, Virginia) It’s also the Headquarters of VW; I’m not saying expect skullduggery, just that they do have previous.

This week’s reviews:

Scientology: Going clear and the Prison of Belief

Almost too many lols although I don’t want to anger Emperor Xeno or David Miscavige. Tom Cruise is impressive as per – you totally believe he’s an insane weirdo. That aside, pretty good.

Aliens on the Moon: The truth exposed

It wasn’t. Includes the line “we took the photos to some of the brightest minds on our planet”. That aside, pretty good (but good/bad)

Prediction: Seem to remember actually playing and beating them before in CL but this might be a dream – in it Carrick scored the winner. Still, now that Captain Fatastic is back knocking them in, sure we’ll score at least 1 goals and as long as they don’t score more than that 1 goals, we should edge it by a margin of 1 goals to no goals. Martial Hat-trick, 2-0 United, Nasri for Rooney 69th minute. 

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  Brett (@_ii)

So embarrassed for Wolfsburg and their Visible Footy Line. AND it’s Wolves, you illiterate cretins.

Last time we played this lot Michael Owen did a hat-trick and the Wolvesburg witchdoctor retrospectively cursed him so he would never wear hats without lookng like a tool.

Witchdoctor? Idk.

Their star player, Michael J Fox, is gonna shake David de hey ya like a Polaroid picture, by attempting to make him meet his momma (who he blates tried to cop off with in that film: Back to the Futon in the Spare Room – shortened to MILF upon its European release). Little does he know, Dave just wants to see them come-a. Idgi.

Do roses really smell like poo?

Prediction: Danny with his cuz. Can’t believe it can you? You think you know someone. Vangle’s boys to give Steve Bull’s lads one hell of a silver bulleting. 0-0. I’m sorry Ms Jackson, I am for real.