(@Benglorious)

Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words).

Prediction: Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words). 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Who is the best Ham’? is a question that has plagued mankind since we first met pigs and subsequently ate them. In this essay I will try to answer this enigma wrapped inside yet another smaller enigma, itself hiding within Brett’s spleen and/or hairline either way surgery is probably necessary sorry Brett i didn’t invent science.

Fulham:

1. Fully invested in Ham, have to admire how they’ve nailed their colours to this particular pork mast (not prison slang)

2. Nothing else. Literally nobody knows anything about Fulham, I would be surprised and disappointed if their own supporters do.

West Ham:

1. Lol

2. Further lols

Gotham:

1. I like the arrogance; ‘Got Ham’ like a boast and a taunt (to those without ham)

2. Birthplace of Batman

3. A wonderful city full of dreamy police commissioners and delightful characters.

4. I think we can all agree the contest is over now.

Prediction: Someone to do something does anybody give a fuck anymore 1-1 Lukaku scores after falling down some stairs.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I don’t agree the contest is over…

Babycham:

1. Though it’s not clear from the file notes what happened to Babyaham, or Babybham – that have been conveniently filed in Yale University’s archives and are inaccessible until the year 2050 – we can assume that in the absence of Babydham through to Babyzham that Babycham was such a successful ham that no further ham was necessary.

Tottenham:

1. What’s with the infant theme?

Prediction: 2-1 United the piano follows up on the first Lukaku goal (see above) with a last minute diving lid.