*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

 a

5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

 (@tom_mcghee)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BSG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BSG vs Manchester United: This time it’s Battlestar

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (BSG)

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens

Mr. Hoshi:

Admiral, picking up enemy contact on Dradus

Adama:

Launch Nukes

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

END CREDITS

Prediction: We all thank our lucky stars the above was just fiction. 3-0 United, the Ghost of Sanchez to score all 4 (ghost goals count less)

m

(@Benglorious)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BFG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BFG vs Manchester United: Giant on Giant

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BIG FRIENDLY GIANT’S (BFG) HOUSE OR WHATEVER HE CALLS HOME PROBABLY A SWAMP OR A WEIRD TREE

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens which are probably mushrooms or something

BFG (to itself):

Boy, I sure do love to pick my nose.

Fungus the Bogeyman:

I think you’re confusing yourself with me. Don’t you steal kids or break shit?

BFG: Yeah probably, I haven’t read it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

Prediction: The comeback to end all comebacks will not be televised. Something about squad average ages and injuries yawn yawn yawn. Evra to bite Neymar’s leg. 0-0 United.

M

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Our match day squad reads like a list of players who couldn’t get into the Manchester United Football Club end of season party, even after providing a valid ID, a letter from their parent, or guardian, and a recent gas bill. Which will make it all the more betterrer when we win handsomely.

Prediction: Geno will jizz myself to a death by cum bubbles, if we pull this off. Apologies to our younger readers for use of the term “pull this off”. Getting slightly aroused tbh. 0 – 0 United.

That picture and caption from last week works this week. This goes right to the very top.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. See above.

 
(@bifurcated_utd)

Geno just noticed we’re going to be playing Watford yesterday.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s been a strange week at Bifurcated Towers.  Lots have questions have been raised after we’ve had to deal with the fallout from that tweet from the last game in Preston: Is there a Quality Street in Wales?  Is there any way to find out?  Why do radiators and sinks need earthing?  If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?  Aren’t all gifts “free”?  Why don’t we ever make any money?  I guess we’ll never know the answer to any of these questions.

Swansea are hosting United today.  If we don’t lose to them, we’ll have only lost one game in the last four hundred and will only be one hundred and sixteen points behind the leaders of the Premiership League, Chelsea.  All to play for, I think you’ll agree.

Dangermen in the Swansea team to look out for are Michu, who is worth the equivalent of one Michu; Garry Monk, the inventor of rhyming slang, and; Catherine Zeta Jones.

Prediction:  Vangle will stop messing around this week.  Four at the back with a midfield sapphire and one strikeman up front on his own for the whole match but with another strikeman playing alongside him at all times.  The starting eleven will make very interesting reading, and will, in this humble previewer’s humble opinion, consist of the exact following players:

• De Gea or Valdes
• Rafael or Valencia
• Jones and/or Evans and/or McNair and/or Smalling
• Rojo and/or Shaw and/or Young
• Di Maria and/or Herrera and/or Fellaini and/or Mata and/or Blind and/or Januzaj
• Falcao and/or RvP and/or Wilson
• Rooney

This combination will prove too much for the brave Swans who will suffer the biggest home defeat in their entire history.  1-0 Swansea.

Young Patrick was only too happy to talk to me as I pulled the staples out of his head one sunny afternoon.  His favourite things include cream cakes, seismology and the collected works of Charlaine Harris:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Completely done nothing – Benno, please just put MIA (black ops Da Nang) ta babes xx

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Exactly how many games are there in a season anyway? It’s pretty shoddy that no-one’s keeping a record imo. It feels like all my precious time is taken up borrowing your* jokes to write one of these. Where’s my me time? I’ve got things to do: sleeping till midday doesn’t do itself. Eating. I’ve got to eat.** And … put the recycling out on a Tuesday night.

*yours not theirs.

**I had a paxo stuffing sandwich last night: Pre-heat oven to 7. Add hot tap water to paxo. Pour mix into whatever you can find that can go in the oven. After it smells like burning, remove from oven. Place between two slices of bread. Serve. Add tomato sauce to season.***

***Idea: ‘Bifurcatered’ spin off cookery series. Phil Collins, playing the part of me, goes round football fan’s houses, while they’re out watching the match, and makes sandwiches with their stuff.

In life people say you never get a second chance. Idiots. But for the point I’m making let’s say they’re right … so that’s why football is better than life; cos football has second legs and rebounds and retaken penalties and that. Imagine if you could replay that time, when you were eleven years old, and your mum dressed you up as a cheerleader at school, and you won the fancy dress competition, and then you were talking to the girl you really fancied for ages, and then you realised she didn’t realise you were actually a boy dressed up as a girl, and you were devastated. And resented your mum for the rest of your life. For example.

Replays … cheerleader… thought I was a girl … resent mum … ah yes … so this our second chance of the season to prove we are gooder than Swansea, after the delightful comic timing of a beating they gave us on Vangle’s wedding day.

Prediction: She’d still think I was a girl. 2-3 United.