(@Benglorious)

It’s always great playing West Ham, especially fifteen times in three weeks. Sometimes we even beat them. Except when Blackburn won the league that one time. Ask your dad. Or Paul. Whichever one actually remembers. Paul.

Prediction: Rooney to score from anywhere up to 70 yards away but only if he plays. Martial to do a madness and Zlatan to kick the ref’s face off. The goal stands. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I preferred football when it was just three, sometimes four games a year, back in the days when if a player even thought about using any part of his boot except the laces to score a goal he’d have been executed by firing squad.

Prediction: Mkhitaryan to score one using his ballbag. 1-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

So long as we don’t give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit then who really cares.

Prediction: We give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit. 0-0 United.

5 things we learned:

1. Painting fresh plaster is extremely tiring.

2. Paul Pogba and Marcus Rashford were legit marvellous.

3. My preview said 3-0us and 4-1 kinda is 3-0 so I am a footballing genius now.

4. Spare a thought for the poor brave journos, they’ve had a a rotten weekend.

5. My prediction was correct for 14 minutes. Yours = 0 minutes. Eat it.

6. I will never eat it.

7. EAT. IT.

8. (please)

Here’s the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Martial is faster/miles better than Joseph Barton.

2. It was good when Pogba did that skinny turn thing and Brady didn’t know where the ball went.

3. Rooney is still clownshoes.

4. I liked how I didn’t feel nervous for the last 15 minutes of the game.

5. My carpets are still damp.

6. Another week of actually doing ‘5 things’!! Great work guys!! oh.

Hashtag Rash is Life 4 Life yo!

Here’s 5 things we Europa learned:

1. Rasherz with the R3 manoeuvres made me do a bit of wee.

2. Marcus Rashford = D4 damager with the ill behaviour.

3. Idg United fans at all: ‘Zlatan is holding us back’ all season, where are the goals coming from now??’ when he’s injured. After being awful.

4. Pogba really needs a goal lol. The Rashbona and overhead kick would’ve been sweeeeeet.

5. Rashbona is ours. And it’s provocative.

6. Hey!! Guys!! We actually did 5 things for once!! Oh.

Here’s 5 thing we learned:

1. Ghost Rider is in Agents of Shield.

2. He’s no Nicolas Cage.

3. He makes Nic Cage look like House Party 2.

4. I am so bored of United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Goals are good.

We’re like the Ikea of football: *work on the punchline for this a joke for next week. Something, something Zlatan (Swedish), something, something drawers.*

Here’s 5 things we learned about the things that happened, in addition to a joke about Mourinho winning on the Pools before the season ends (backatcha Benno Re: preview):

1. Rick Sanchez is the hero we all deserve.

2. Jerry is still a massive bell.

3. Mourinho will definitely scoop a big win on the Pools before the season ends.

4. I hated watching that. It made me discuss football with other football fans but without the jokes and stuff.

5. Traitor.

In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as “apparently” one like on Twitter from yourself doesn’t count as a monetary pledge with the bankerers.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. They may have cheated, but what they accomplished is incredible.

2. Saying that, PSG shouldn’t have been so complacent.

3. Phil Jones has no business in sport.

4. Those Fellaini numbers eased the pain.

5. Lol @ Di Maria the rat-faced fuck.

Prediction: Elbohimovic. You can have that one. Unless it can be monetised. Actually, it’d be easier to just send me cash and avoid all the fuss. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say we won’t concede ten goals in this one. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m the worst.

Prediction: Brett to be even worster. 0-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m the worstest.

Prediction: Tom to be right. 0-0 United.