*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

Bite us.

Wayne Mark Rooney. Captain. Leader. Legend. 250 goals scored in a United shirt to take the record out of Sir Bobby Charlton’s skeletal grasp. To put that in perspective: If he played for another 36 years he’d have 1000 goals. That would almost make me forget about the two transfer requests. Almost. The problem is that, at his current rate of decline, in ten more years he’d be less useful on the pitch than a potato (mashed or jacket, your choice).

All joking aside, it truly is a fantastic achievement to become the all-time leading scorer for both your club and country, so our top football correspondents at Bifurcated are here to celebrate the Roondog’s milestone in our own inimitable fashion. Unbelievable stuff. Especially the two transfer requests. Cunt.

 (@Benglorious)

Favourooite Wayne:

Sleep.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

That one where he did that boxing celebration after. Lovely sense of humour.

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Favourooite Wayne goal: 

That one where he chipped it.

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Favourooite Wayne Quote:

That one where he threatened to put himself to sleep (little girl)

That one about the Everton the beatles come together leg

That one when he realised Whitney was gone.

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Favourooite Wayne hairline:

2004.

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Favourooite Wayne transfer request: 

Chelsea. Cunt.

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 (@bifurcated_utd)

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Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

Scoring on his debut for Beijing Guoan in July 2017.

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Favourooite Wayne goal: 

The one where we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’, and then he did a kicked it in the nets and we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’.

FIN

not by Rooney

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

As promised, us the real heroes, have got the hot scoop (old newspaper term) on the most recent club leaks. Obviously as superfans we’ve long been privy to the club’s inner workings but think the time is right to tell you, the reader, what we’ve learnt. Learned? Learnt? (These are alternative forms of the past tense and past participle of the verb learn. Both are acceptable.)

Anyway, onto the cold hard facts we haven’t made up or heard second-hand (our source is a senior member at the club but to protect his identity, we’ll call him Bryan Figgs)

Us: Yo B-Dogg, whassup?

BF: Shouldn’t that be R-Dogg?

Us: You’ve fucking ruined your anonymity, Ry… er, Bryan.

BF: This bird’s gonna fly. (It was at this point Bryan jumped through our window. He’s almost perfectly fine – we’re poor so there’s no glass. However, we are on the third floor.)

Fearing for our exclusive, we had one last throw of the dice. Luckily, Brett went to Borstal with let’s call him Dwayne and the two have kept in touch with hand-written letters, mostly in crayon and/or blood. What follows are excerpts from these letters:

(October 28th 2015)

‘….Anyways, I turn to Loony Van Gaal and say “Eh boss, do we have to eat these placentas la?” and he was like all “Yesh, more plashentas means more irons, now look at my genitals….You ever shee balls like that Wayne?” I had to be honest: I hadn’t.’

(January 12th 2016)

‘He’s really getting us down now, Brett… This morning, at training, he made us wear different animal outfits. Which was fun but then we had to simulate sex acts with each other and describe what the resultant offspring would look like and the pros/cons of attempted cross-species breeding. And I had to ride a bike. I’m in no shape to be riding a bike’ Dwayne mumbled through a mouthful of Haribo.

(February 22nd 2016)

‘….came into today and he was just sitting there, wearing a nappy, drinking Old Spice and quoting N.W.A. lyrics.’

(March 1st 2016)

We were compiling the above excerpts in our bustling newsroom when the door buzzed. It was Dwayne with a tall man whom we instantly recognised as a colleague of Dwayne’s.

D: All right, la. You know Mic…

Us: CODENAMES, WAY.. er, DWAYNE!! 

D: Oh, yeah! He turns to his companion: “Told you they were pros, “Lichael Larrick”. Wink.

LL: Did you just say “wink”?

D: I don’t think so.

LL: Pretty sure you just said “wink”.

D: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WINK, OK? I’ve spent my whole life perfecting my first touch and just never had the time.

He breaks down. Lichael hugs him but rolls his eyes at us over Dwayne’s shoulder and mouths “first touch lol”.

Us: So lads, what can we do for you?

LL: Captain Tubs here mentioned he’d been corresponding with an old cellmate, and I just wanted to make sure that anything he’d said couldn’t be traced back to us. We have to be very careful these days when we’re playing at “sources”. You understand, right?

Us: Of course, er, Lichael. Please feel reassured that we never use names, we change quotes just enough so that they’re untraceable as well as throwing in the odd red herring so that our readers have to take everything with a pinch of salt.

D: That makes me hungry.

LL: We’ll stop at Maccy D’s on the way to Darrington. 

D: Oh.

LL: (sighs) And KFC.

D: (grins) Boss.

Us: So Lichael, do you believe that nothing you say about the club, good or bad, will ever get attributed to you by our three readers, all of whom are in this room right now?

LL: Yes.

Us: In that case, why don’t you tell us about the current malaise at the club? Maybe throw in something about negative training methods, how the Glazers are just using United as a piggy bank, or even the ineptitude of Woodward? The fans love all that stuff.

LL: Van Gaal is a cunt.

FADE TO BLACK

D: Nice article tags, tags.

Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one-word-based reverse review of the new football series, where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword to say about us…Word!

Us’ve invited some Twerples to give us some one word questions about the forthcoming season to which us will give some one word answers about the fifthcoming season. WHY? DUNNO!

  @Benglorious  “Really?”

– Yes

– YouCanHaveMyLastOneCosIFancyYou

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 @tom_mcghee  “Why?”

– Because (If you knew the answer, why did you ask the question, you bald clown?)

– Zed

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 @bifurcated_MBM  “Why?”

– Skyfall

– Front

– Dontyouthinkofadifferentquestionyoujadedhack?

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 @UtdRantcast  “Happy?”

– NotsinceIwasachild

– Banger

– Dopey (you’ll see what I did there)

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 @philgatt  “¿Que?”

– Seven

– Burley (She loves Alton Towers who is the best one in Police Academy)

– SeraSera (Told you)

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 @opin_united  “Ornithophobia?”

– Ornith (see, cos it’s like Ornith or Phobia?)

– Phobia (same reason as Brett but the other one because I like to be different)

- That leaves me in a tricky spot.  What?  One word?!?  Bugger.

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 @ETNAR_uk  “If?”

– Maybe

– JungleBook (Kipling, innit)

– Bakewell (Kipling, innit)

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  @MATTLEWIS6  “What?”

– Depends

– SonCommaEmmaIsStillABitWeirdToFancyAmiriteLads

– Islovebabydonthurtme

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 @TiredTroglodyte  “Tiramisu?”

– Blessyou

– NeverMetHer

– Midfielder?

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 @Wormito  “Moist?”

– No

– No

– No

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 @adamwagner  “Philosophy?”

– A-Level

– Phil (but love them both in Homes under the Attic.  See, cos it’s like Phil or Sophy)

– 

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IT’S FINALLY OVER!!  NO MORE FOOTBALL EXCEPT THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL AND THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP WHICH WE LOVE AND THE COPA AMERICA SO IN REALITY THERE’S SOME FOOTBALL BUT IT’S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!  We asked our handsome and witty internet friends, us, to ask us some questions about the football that happened while we were busy manufacturing the comedy gold you’ve come to worship because we thought we should do a review because all the cool kids are doing them but we only do previews which are like reviews but before the view has been re’d so therefore p=x where x is when I lost my train of thought.

These are the questions that Brett thought best summed up how we could review the season with the most minimum effort required:

1. Favourite Baller of the whole term?

2. Favouritest ball in the net shot?

3. Favourite home shirt colour?

4. Best Phil Jones moment that actually resembled a real football manouevre?

5. Best thing you saw happen with your own two eyes that wasn’t just a thing you heard about on the internet and then talked about until you actually believed you’d witnessed it yourself?

6. Why were the Thundercats loose?

7. Match you hated least?

8. Who is this?

9. Best stolen tweet?

10. Best Sepp Blatter?

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Are we writing answers here or under each question in different colours/with our avis, can we use videos and how do we add videos and why do we bother?

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

1. I have to say, the Best of the Beatles.

2. When Mata scored the goal that looked like his legs were scissors and it was against that team that didn’t make Champions League

3. Pantone 1664 TPX

4. [FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

5. Avengers: Age of Ultron

6. They weren’t so much ‘loose’ as they were fleeing the total destruction of their home world, Thundera. Surviving in stasis thanks to the noble sacrifice of Jaga, who piloted the ship until death (and then went very Obi-Wan with Lion-O. Can’t believe LucasFilm let that slide to be honest), the Thundercats eventually arrived Third Earth and were then ‘loosened’ upon discovery that they were not only followed by old mutant enemies but also under threat from Mumm-Ra, the ever-living. Although that was misleading because it only seemed to work if he slept for like 5 days at a time and never really did much.

7. I enjoyed the little flurry of results where we beat Spurs, City and The Steven Gerrard Tribute team. So those.

8. I’ll never tell

9. Has to be Lucia’s. Damn that Scott fella for making me confess.

10. Sepp Blatter. Has to be.

Also, can we change my picture back? I look like Matt Lucas after the weight loss.

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    Brett (@bifurcated_utd)

1.  Paul.

2. The one where it was a kick and then it went in the side, and then we were all like “get in!”, and then it maybe wasn’t in, cos no-one was celebrating, and then we were all like “why is no-one celebrating?”, and then it wasn’t in and we were all like “Lol, I was sure that had gone in the net and not in the side!” and then after about some more minutes there was still someone who was all like “was it a goal or not?” and we were all like “shut up!” and they were all like “no” and then we were all like “yes”.

3. N/A I only like away shirt colours.

4. His name bit.

5. I didn’t see anything. The next thing I knew the jury was on fire.

6. Contrary to Tom’s theory on the origin of the term ‘loose’ with reference to the aforementioned Thundercats, it was in fact composer of the theme tune, Bernard Hoffer, who did something I haven’t made up as true. Thundercats creator Tobin Wolf was probably none too pleased when he heard it for the first time, but he probably grew to like it, eventually. He had it played at his wedding for the first dance with his wife – the cartoon actor who played Snarf irl, and at his funeral. Probably.

7. I just love all of them a lot.

8. Him.

9. @uptownbridal: Today we’re obsessing over Rachel & Doug!! The cake… the greenery… the stolen glances! #uptownbridal 

10. Angela Lansbury.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Oh.  I see what you’re doing.

1. Gotta be Roondog.  Captain supreme.  Led by example and that’s not Example the rapster whose real life name is EG, I’m talking about the good example.  BURN.  Roonface never missed a game even when he’d been knocked up by Gnarls Bardsley that time and then fell over on the grass.  Does that make him cray-zeh?

2. Charlie Adams’s’s’s’s’s’s’s goal against Chelsea was very good and I expressed this quite eloquently on the Twitter:

However, the correct answer is any goal scored against Liverpool by any player at any time in history.

3. I’m colourblind so I find this question extremely insensitive, as well as being impossible to answer.  Red.

4. He took a corner.  For Manchester United.  In a real match.  He wasn’t the only player on the pitch.  He took a corner.

5. I’m no grass.

6.  My scroll thing has stopped working and I can’t remember what the other questions were.

7. The Desert Rats.

8. Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

9. Deep midwicket.

10. The Hamburglar.

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

That was the season that was.  Pretty sure it had a 4 and an apostrophe in it somewhere.  We’d like to thank all three of you for reading our stuff week in, week out.  I’m only sorry that there’s not more games in a season so we could keep doing the same jokes even more.  Please direct all complaints to my personal twitter account which is linked above twice and is also right after this colon: @tom_mcghee I put it in italics because I clicked something and I don’t know how to change it back.  All compliments regarding anything should go to Brett: @bifurcated_utd because everything is his idea and he’s got that gun.  All the money should go to Benno: @Benglorious because he’s the comedic mastermind behind the very best of @bifurcated_MBM when we aren’t stealing jokes.  Just look at the amount of effort that went into this virus tweet:

Pure fire, I’m sure you’ll both agree.  Weren’t there three of you a minute ago?  Who is this?

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FIN

Written and directed by Brett A.

Additional writing by Tom Mc.

More additional writing by Benno L.

Art direction by Hieronymous B.

Catering by Burger K.

Post production by Photo S.

Casting by Plaster o’P.

Score and musical selection by Chuck D.

Soundtrack available on 3.5″ floppy disc from all good floppy disc retailers

No animals were harmed during this production because we don’t class people as animals

© MCHAMMER

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Secondly: Given the debacle that was the UETFA World Cup (I still can’t believe they built that stadium in the middle of nowhere) and the fallout that followed, it seemed Time And Fruit was done. Finished. Tossed aside like a made-up internet thing who’s creator simply lost interest because he found a series of comics he hadn’t read. Anyway, thats all in the past and with Sky announcing a new TV deal for the 2015 summer season, now seems as good a time as any to re-introduce Time And Fruit as the true sport of kings (Literally: George V ruddy loved it)

To this end, I was given free rein in the Westminster UETFA archives and the rich tapestry therein…

‘Those familiar with the founding father of Time And Fruit will undoubtedly already be aware of Sir Alf Wattlendaub’s now legendary inaugural games of 1910; what you may not know is that this was a direct response to the growing threat of World War and was subliminally pushing the idea of rationing (hence the ‘5-a-day’ rule)* With Sir Alf being the games clear winner (his nickname of ‘Apple Alf’ being a wry nod to his now patented ‘2.36, Apple’ move…hard now to imagine the effect that had on the game), this huge crowd favourite and league champion’s (1910-1918) lasting legacy was his abolition of the class system within the sport. Indeed, his first act as Lord Chief Warden of Fruit was to dismantle the strict ‘Old Boys’ network and open the game up to the lower classes (Up until 1912, East London was rife with illegal fruit-dens where the working man could gamble his meagre weekly wage but always under the threat of the rope if caught). It was not a popular move amongst the aristocracy and the 1920s were a mire of infighting and backstabbing as a once great sport that had united a nation started to alienate even its most staunch defenders: “When has fruit ever been worth this?” they could have possibly cried.’

Its around here that the archives get a little hazy on detail – a lot of the late 30s/40s is still filed as MoD classified documents and it would be wrong to speculate. The next extract is only included because of its relation to globalisation and how much wealthy billionaires invested in ‘mankind’s future’ whilst really playing Time And Fruit.

‘Known to only those in the inner circle of UETFA, the Boeing 747 was initially commissioned by Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe to produce a plane large enough to carry rare and exotic fruit from all over the globe (originally there was only going to be one and it would land at his house; a sprawling country estate where the main house was constructed out of Guava halves) in a bid to re-ignite interest in the sport after the drab war years. The effect was immediate, leading UETFA to amend the fruit allowance records for the first time in their history** as the sudden insurgence of multiple fruits made the 5-a-day rule seem badly outmoded, and the public went wild – some people suggest the ‘swinging sixties’ and the resultant London scene, often  attributed to no-hopers like The Beatles, was actually caused by this fruit liberation. The plane was eventually put into mass production (UETFA went the Alec Guiness/Star Wars royalty route. Inspired) and apparently flies people to holiday destinations all around the world’

* This was originally sold as a decision based on lack of telecommunications; carrier pigeons were used to send pencil drawings of “outlandish” fruits (Kiwi, Mango etc) where visual evidence was needed. All pictures were stored in the Archives until 1914 when the distraction of war allowed Hans Gruber to access said pictures and steal them. This lead to the withdrawal of the governing body from the sports frontlines, with no existing player allowed entrance to the hallowed halls. Gruber was never caught due to diplomatic immunity. Was eventually killed by John McClane.

** The 5-a-day rule was re-introduced with the sport becoming more professional in the late 70s.

For further reading:

Sir Alf  Wattlendaub ‘Apples and Pears don’t mean Stairs’ (Penguin books, 1948)

Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe ‘I was the original Bruce Wayne’ (Quentin’s Books, 1972)

Mickey Rolls ‘From Street Urchin to Gold medal: a barrow boy’s story’ (Picador, 1966)

Tom McGhee ‘Please send help’ (Macbook, 2015)

16 years ago I was stumbling from one party to the next. The same faceless faces – some of them familiar, for what that was worth. For what that actually meant back then. Faces I’d seen around, but didn’t have the time, the inclination, or the humility, to find out more about. It was a simpler time. A time of endless possibilities. A time without time.

There was one night – so many since lost, as memories tumble from my ageing, addled, tired mind as the sound they once created becomes a distant echo on a dystopian landscape – I will always recall; like it was only yesterday…

A couple, whose names escape me, were giving up their lives for each others and a celebration of the news had been maniacally arranged at the expense of other’s personal plans, so that we could all feel that little bit worse about ourselves in their presence. Another night when strangers were friends, and I was alone.

I never went to these things with the intention of observing: the attendees at the waxwork pantomime projecting outwards the charade that the reality that their real life occupied betrayed; but when you navigate the threat of conversation with such calculated precision, it’s all you have. Those that don’t know you’re watching don’t care; those that do, the same. I’d say I’d seen it all, but I know there has to be more. Because there has to be.

The male of our species without question, would throw away everything: his family, his children – for an unsatisfactory fumble with a relative stranger. And they do. Those that say otherwise, never see temptation.  And sure there’s the inevitable ontological anxiety the following morning, but not enough get what they’re due.  It’s only man who believes he’s bulletproof when holding a gun to his own head. Women could do worse than remove the safety catch.

On this particular night there’d been a few flashpoints; vignettes co-habitors would soon be going over in their heads in a day or two, on the spare futon around a friend’s house. Nothing of note. Nothing special. Nothing. And then.

When the last of the people making the most dutiful of appearances, have finished off their life story at the door, you get to see who’s really at a party. Three thirds of the time it’s wall to wall me. Like staring into a mirror bigger than the room. This time was different.

I was already on the furthest side of the room before I was conscious of standing up, such was the impulse; though the lactic acid was already flooding through my limbs. Beads of sweat tempted my tongue to my top lip. I leaned in towards her. She cupped her ear to my mouth… “Falcao is that tin of Quality Street at your nans that turns out to be full of sewing kits”.

To this day I still don’t know where it came from. Maverick thoughts.

Welbeck has one ‘L’ of a problem with ‘greedy’ Lallana.

When it was announced earlier this week that both Andros Townsend and Michael Carrick would be returning from International duty to their respective employers, as a result of minor knocks picked up during England training, no-one thought anything of it… but that was one ‘L’ of a mistake…

Tensions frayed, earlier this week, when Danny Welbeck and Calum Chambers were reading the Metro on the bus on the way into training and noticed England teammates Gary Cahill and Adam Lallana were ‘carrying a spare’. The pair were left stunned by the shocking discovery and it proved too much for the young England stars to stomach; as both have been singled out and ridiculed for the overwhelming lack of the letter ‘L’ in their respective names, since birth.

Roy Hodgson has never hidden his preference for ‘Non-‘L’ers’, in handing Wayne Rooney, and before him, Steven Gerrard, the England captaincy, but it was assumed, by F.A bosses and experts, that the appointment of Gary Neville (a Two-‘L’er) – as a balance – had eased any lingering tension. Unfortunately the animosity between the One-‘L’ers, Non-‘L’ers, Two-‘L’ers and Surplus-‘L’ers, is yet again threatening to split the England dressing room in four!

When Michael Carrick a fellow One-‘L’er, and father figure to the young One-‘L’ers in the squad, confronted Cahill and Lallana, Towsend (a Non-‘L’er) stepped in: the violent scenes that erupted left the dressing room needing a really good tidy up.

A source said, “Rooney’s degenerative condition in his knees … no wait, you were asking me about ‘L’s in players names … I’m sorry you’ve lost me. That makes no sense.”

As you list the players that have gone down in the history books as the greatest players ever in the history books of history, it’s clear to see players with ‘L’s come out on top, if you ignore approximately half of them, Maradona, Eric Cantona, Cruyff etc… and just consider the ones that substantiate the theory that this is a real serious issue: Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele etc…

Either way it’s abundantly clear, it’s an ‘L’ of a problem for Roy and he needs to learn how to deal with it fast!