We all saw the match, we all saw Hodgson throw himself off a pre-arranged cliff and we all saw Alan Shearer versus Danny Baker in the I’m The Most Disappointed England Fan-off, but have you seen what some of the brightest football minds of our generation thought about plucky England’s capitulation? Please let us know when you have, but in the meantime here’s five things we learned:

1) England

2) Are

3) Fucking

4) Clown

5) Shoes

Except for El Rashissimo

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Stoke-on-Trent is a unique city affectionately known as The Potteries. With its rich industrial heritage and history, Stoke-on-Trent has respectfully claimed the title of World Capital of Ceramics ( find out from whom and in which competition when/if bothered).

Opposition Summary: Stoke City Football Club is a Stokish professional stokeball club based in Stoke-on-Trent, Stokefordshire that plays in the Stokier League. They mostly play in broken red shirts. 

Prediction:  Stoke is near Derby and we battered them so Stoke will be an absolute walkover according to this Geogratistics thing I just made up. That’s right, ladies: geography AND statistics. Please form an orderly queue starting at Brett’s crying, naked body. The second queue can start at that pointing and laughing Tom person. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Stoke – named after wealthy founder Bram Stoker – are a team of many mischiefs and clay-based shenanigans. But not vampires. Which makes it kinda 1-1. They also have a rich heritage of industrial histories and according to Benno, some kind of Monkey forest. Got to be honest, if this Monkey Forest is real, I might support Stoke. Although this mile long lake sounds a bit needy. Remember when we used to mention the football?

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Haven’t seen it. That aside, pretty good

Prediction: Doesn’t matter because everyone is still crying over this Pete Gladiola character.  Still, good news about Luke Shaw. 3-0 United. But only in the game I’m watching. 

.

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

And exactly how does a naked body cry? Good words, words.

Prediction: We’ll weasely beat them cos we’re Stokally unrecognisable from the last time we came together. Getting a little aroused tbh. 0-0 United.

m

m

 Benno (@Benglorious)

I did my theory test in Ipswich. It was ok.

m

Opposition summary: Ipswich were relegated from the Premiership League long before we were all born, but the elders tell tales of a striker of such skill, panache and elegance that the FA had all mention of his goalscoring exploits sanitised so future footballers wouldn’t feel inadequate. His name? Ian “Striding God” Marshall. Not only was he the most gifted player of his, and all, generations, his virility was also the stuff of legend – Marshall only had to raise an eyebrow at a passing lady to impregnate her. On his death at the age of 121, the amount of children he’d fathered stood at 3426, with 19 more on the way. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Ipswich to do an old school Milton Keynes and not have a football team until they steal one off the worst bit of London. 0-0 United.

m

.

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Ipswich is renowned for its fantastic Toys R Us store, (its genius being its equidistance between London and Norwich) being the birthplace of Dean Dangerous – and the locale for most of his time desk adventures – and having a bridge that is sometimes closed due to high winds. Their manager also looks like my brother.

Future reviews:

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang 

Spaced (3 disc Collectors Edition) 

Platoon

Prediction: Corrie gets ruined. United 9-0 victors in a case of life imitating life from the past. Rooney manages to still not score despite scoring 2.

.

  Brett (@WorkSoRelyingOnThoseTwoToMakeMeLookGood)

Ipswich don’t lie. Shakira said that.

Prediction: 2 goals for Manchester to zero goals for Southampton. 0-0 United. 

.

Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Everybody’s away this weekend so I’m in charge even though I’m also not here. This means I have to write theirs as well as mine. Just a normal match day then.

m

Opposition summary: Southampton is downhill from Manchester, so they always have an uphill struggle against us.

Prediction: Vangle to stop messing around with possession and just go for all out goals. In fact, there’ll be so many goals that every Fantasy Football team will first implode, then explode, and the BBC vidiprinter will run out of ink for the first time in two hundred and thirty years. GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 0-0 United.

m

.

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

The greatest film of all time in the opinion of Tom McGhee (which is who I am) is Dunston Checks In, closely followed by Men In Black 2. I ruddy love Will Smith.

Prediction: 2 goals for Manchester to zero goals for Southampton. 0-0 United. 

.

  Brett (@enbrough)

The actual greatest film of all time is Timecop. *drops mic* My name is Brett and this is my opinion about films but please don’t talk to me about it if you ever meet me.

Prediction: 2 goals for Manchester to zero goals for Southampton. 0-0 United. 

.

Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

Please stop.