Secondly: Given the debacle that was the UETFA World Cup (I still can’t believe they built that stadium in the middle of nowhere) and the fallout that followed, it seemed Time And Fruit was done. Finished. Tossed aside like a made-up internet thing who’s creator simply lost interest because he found a series of comics he hadn’t read. Anyway, thats all in the past and with Sky announcing a new TV deal for the 2015 summer season, now seems as good a time as any to re-introduce Time And Fruit as the true sport of kings (Literally: George V ruddy loved it)

To this end, I was given free rein in the Westminster UETFA archives and the rich tapestry therein…

‘Those familiar with the founding father of Time And Fruit will undoubtedly already be aware of Sir Alf Wattlendaub’s now legendary inaugural games of 1910; what you may not know is that this was a direct response to the growing threat of World War and was subliminally pushing the idea of rationing (hence the ‘5-a-day’ rule)* With Sir Alf being the games clear winner (his nickname of ‘Apple Alf’ being a wry nod to his now patented ‘2.36, Apple’ move…hard now to imagine the effect that had on the game), this huge crowd favourite and league champion’s (1910-1918) lasting legacy was his abolition of the class system within the sport. Indeed, his first act as Lord Chief Warden of Fruit was to dismantle the strict ‘Old Boys’ network and open the game up to the lower classes (Up until 1912, East London was rife with illegal fruit-dens where the working man could gamble his meagre weekly wage but always under the threat of the rope if caught). It was not a popular move amongst the aristocracy and the 1920s were a mire of infighting and backstabbing as a once great sport that had united a nation started to alienate even its most staunch defenders: “When has fruit ever been worth this?” they could have possibly cried.’

Its around here that the archives get a little hazy on detail – a lot of the late 30s/40s is still filed as MoD classified documents and it would be wrong to speculate. The next extract is only included because of its relation to globalisation and how much wealthy billionaires invested in ‘mankind’s future’ whilst really playing Time And Fruit.

‘Known to only those in the inner circle of UETFA, the Boeing 747 was initially commissioned by Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe to produce a plane large enough to carry rare and exotic fruit from all over the globe (originally there was only going to be one and it would land at his house; a sprawling country estate where the main house was constructed out of Guava halves) in a bid to re-ignite interest in the sport after the drab war years. The effect was immediate, leading UETFA to amend the fruit allowance records for the first time in their history** as the sudden insurgence of multiple fruits made the 5-a-day rule seem badly outmoded, and the public went wild – some people suggest the ‘swinging sixties’ and the resultant London scene, often  attributed to no-hopers like The Beatles, was actually caused by this fruit liberation. The plane was eventually put into mass production (UETFA went the Alec Guiness/Star Wars royalty route. Inspired) and apparently flies people to holiday destinations all around the world’

* This was originally sold as a decision based on lack of telecommunications; carrier pigeons were used to send pencil drawings of “outlandish” fruits (Kiwi, Mango etc) where visual evidence was needed. All pictures were stored in the Archives until 1914 when the distraction of war allowed Hans Gruber to access said pictures and steal them. This lead to the withdrawal of the governing body from the sports frontlines, with no existing player allowed entrance to the hallowed halls. Gruber was never caught due to diplomatic immunity. Was eventually killed by John McClane.

** The 5-a-day rule was re-introduced with the sport becoming more professional in the late 70s.

For further reading:

Sir Alf  Wattlendaub ‘Apples and Pears don’t mean Stairs’ (Penguin books, 1948)

Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe ‘I was the original Bruce Wayne’ (Quentin’s Books, 1972)

Mickey Rolls ‘From Street Urchin to Gold medal: a barrow boy’s story’ (Picador, 1966)

Tom McGhee ‘Please send help’ (Macbook, 2015)

Today’s Match Pack: Our Manchester vs Manchester Preview

How do you do that thing where you makes the words bigger and differenter colours? And seriously, how good would it be if Optimus Prime was real? I’ve worked out how to do Italics.

Click that button at the top to change the colour.  No, the other one.  To make it biggerer is a skill I haven’t learned yet.  Maybe try sitting closer.

Should we do some pre-amble? I can’t really be bothered but Redknapp is making my ears bleed. Did you see Emmerdale last week?

No.  What’s it about?

(The boss wants to join in to keep an eye on us.  If you see any words that aren’t black or red (possibly green), Tom and myself can’t be held responsible for the sudden drop in quality analysis.) 

2 mins: Fellaini does a rabona but one of those ones where you do a little spinny thing instead. Quite funny.

3 mins: Kobe Bryant is talking about basketball throws or something.  YAY!  He’s changed to the football now.  Although, I WAS starting to get into men’s netball.

8 mins: Aguero shoots, Dave saves with a wry smile and cheeky wink, almost to say “unlucky Sergio, it was a decent attempt but I’m afraid it wasn’t quite good enough to get the best of me”. But in Spanish. Its hard to tell to be honest.

9 mins: Great ball down the left wing side of the pitch thing for Angel Di Light, but he gives the ball away.  Too easily if you ask me.  You didn’t?  Bugger off then.

12 mins: If there’s a team better at passing backwards I’d like to see them. Adnan gets fouled for being awesome.

Also 12 mins: That wasn’t a foul.

also 12 mins: I wasn’t watching.

16mins: 57% possession. Think that counts as a win whatever the actual result may be.

18 mins: Is it the law in Argentina that you have to have at least two haircuts at once?

23 mins: Dave has been glorious. City seem to have remembered they’re better than us which is literally the last thing we wanted to happen. And I believe so – amended in 1986 to commemorate some thing that happened there.

28 mins: It’s all a bit back and forth, up and down, side to side and to and fro in my honest opinion to be quite honest with you mate.  Blind has just got stuck in and received some sort of gold star from the refereeer.

30 mins: I saw! And then Zabaleta did something similar and didn’t even get one! hahaha, loser. You got a PS4 yet? I think Joe Hart is as close to English Gob as you’ll find by the way.

33 mins: Great shout on the Gob thing.  Did you see Smalling get a gold star just because Hart couldn’t run a different direction?

38 mins: Chris Smalling does something extremely silly. Can’t help but feel being a man down is going to hinder us in some way.

39 mins: It’s just a ruse.  City will relax against ten men, and we’ll nick one on the counter.  Oh, apparently this is Manchester City and not Bristol.  Shite.

42 mins: Carrick. Unlucky City, you tried.

45 mins: It’s been a half of numbers:  ‘Half’ is a number, well, it’s half of a number. 1, I think; 11 players minus Smalling = 10 numbers; 0 goals + 0 goals = the result I’d take at full time.  Numbers, eh?  Lovely stuff.

48 mins: Half time. Huge fan of bottling the penalty shout so lolz. Are we analysing the first half? For my part I genuinely believe we’re unlucky not be at least 4 up, despite what the stats may tell you. And I heard the jury was still out on “Stats”. Going to make a brew so if I don’t return tell everyone that story about that time you were raised by wolves.

50 mins: Can’t believe those two penalty decisions: we definitely should have had one for Demichelis overdoing his fringe.  And for Joe Hart.

51 mins: Excellent stuff, Gaffer.  Tom, your thoughts?  Great, fantastic stuff.  We’ll be back after these short messages.

Some point: My thoughts? often random, like just now when i thought about what to answer and then remembered this recurring dream I have where all this wooden furniture is just floating in my house and spinning and that. Can’t remember what else happens but I’m guessing its a fascinating glimpse into my psyche. What’s your favourite movie and why? Hi Brett!

52 mins: Realised Wayne’s problem – he keeps passing to where he thinks he is. He’ll get there. And helluva tackle on Yaya to be fair (ACTUAL FOOTBALL OPINION)

54 mins: Think its a mistake to keep turning our defenders into glass. And if Benno doesn’t come back I can’t have killed him because his house is 14 minutes away if you ignore the bus lanes. Which if you were gonna murder someone, you probably would because your moral compass is obviously skewed.

58 mins: I’m back.  Went somewhere that didn’t involve finding out where Smalling lives so I could let him know that none of this is his fault.  Apart from the first booking.  And the second.  And his face.  Rojo’s Modern Life has gone off for a nap after sliding around like an around slider.  Still 0-0.

60 mins: Aguero goes down again under no provocation and Michaal Carrick did in no way touch him

62 mins: Bugger.

64 mins: Johnny 2 hair cuts with the goal.  Should’ve been a penalty in my opinion.

69 mins: One day, Valencia will surprise us when one of his crosses knocks the legs off the blocking defender and actually reaches the box.  Not today, though.

70 mins: Yeah, anyway, the Dingles were involved in some kind of malarkey and one of them had kidnapped another lady but the lady wasn’t that bothered. And the shopkeeper from Shameless woman – the one who pronounces ‘home’ like ‘ohhhhhhhmmmm’ – she had problems as well. I mean, its no Eastenders the Phil & Grant years but its certainly comparable.

74 mins: Sounds better than this.  Actually, even Gossip Girl is better than this.  That’s a bit unfair: GG is so relatable because of all the super-wealthy youths and their day to day struggles with being super-wealthy.  4 stars.

77 mins: Rooney rolls back the years and then snaps back into the present with a comedic fall. Fellaini uses his face to snuff out any danger for a goal kick. Its textbook stuff. New Girl>>>>Gossip Girl

80 mins: Angel wastes a freekick, unless it was his plan all along to donate the ball to the crowd.  RvP is coming off to be replace by a United u-11’s player.  Golden Girls>>>>New Girl.

84 mins: Fellaini misses. The shockwaves are still being felt.

86 mins: Stay down, Wayne.  Four years should do it.

90 mins: Shaw and Zabaleta shake hands after a manly tussle. Whatever else happens, I think football is the real winner here today. So that means City aren’t.

94 mins: Still 1-0.  Pretty sure matches are only supposed to be 90 mins long so this game must be void.  I blame City.

FT: Have reported Joe Hart to UEFA for shoplifting (an issue they take very seriously) They’re unfounded allegations obviously but whilst its being investigated, all points earned whilst he’s playing are null and void. And to further muddy the waters, I said he committed them in 1945. Bye.

79 mins: Nasri on for Rooney.

Time and Fruit: Rules and amendments

Initially based around the then unknown Government propaganda of 5-a-day (war was brewing in Europe and this was an attempt to introduce the notion of rationing – it’s hard to believe in our meat-infused modern world that before 1910, the English diet was basically just fruit), the story of Sir Alf Wattlendaub’s meteoric rise to fame as the genius behind T&F is well-documented (see: The Complete History of Time and Fruit RRP £24.99) and any Time and Fruiter could recite it almost verbatim. That said, it never hurts to clarify the rules for the new enthusiast. To this end, the following covers all the major factors that matter to both the amateur play-at-homer and the professional athlete:

1. Players are limited to 5 entries a day in peacetime. You can of course submit more entries but the judges will only consider 5. Many believe it’s therefore better to conjure up 5 winners than the hit-and-hope approach but each to their own; just remember that you have no say on which the judges pick in this case.

2. ALL TIMES/FRUITS PERMITTED* I cannot stress this enough (Although time zones can come into play in the international competitions and certain fruits in certain seasons will carry more weight in a penalty fruit-out)

3. Fruit MUST follow time. None of this fruit then time malarkey that some charlatans (who will be facing legal action) have been attempting – if you can’t handle the fruit, stay out the greengrocers.

4. ONLY Fruits. Self-explanatory really but nearly always the cause of disqualification in modern tournaments, mainly due to the explosion of yoghurt related snacks/desserts in recent years.

NB: At the time of writing, the recent suggestion for the mandatory inclusion of the hashtag on social media is being discussed; whilst many see this as a sell-out move, there can be little doubt this will open T&F to a much broader audience.

*Amended in 1962 – see Complete History for full story.

Scoring and the league format:

Now to the uninitiated, the scoring of Time & Fruit can look almost completely random, even nonsensical. However, true purveyors of the game know this almost definitely not the case – like figure skating, it’s all about execution and nuance: a ‘11.05am Banana’ for example, might not beat a ‘11.07am Banana’ or even a ‘11.05PM Banana’ simply because those two minutes/twelve hours were crucial. Perhaps even more surprising, whilst on paper a ‘4.23 Kumquat and Kiwi’ looks a sure-fire winning move, in actual league/cup competition that might not be the case – someone could eat/post before AND after that to a greater cumulative effect (eg ‘4.22 Satsuma’ followed by a ‘4.24 Mango’ – perfect pincer movement)

The scoring is supervised by 5 judges every 24hrs – all of whom are accredited UETFA officials – and points awarded accordingly: 2 for a win, 1 for a draw, 1/2 for imaginative failures. These points are then tabulated into a league format consisting of two divisions – promotion and relegation are as in any other sport, the only discernible difference being the top 5 from each top division form their country’s National team for World Cups/Euros (for additional reading see The Complete History and Sir Alf’s autobiography ‘Apples and Pears don’t mean Stairs’).