Manchester vs Manchester

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Confederacy vs. The Union.  The Roundheads vs. The Cavaliers.  The Republicans vs. The Nationalists (That was in Spain according to Wikipedia).  Erm…. “Civil War” by Guns ‘n’ Roses.  These are all examples of wars between people living in the same place, or “Civil Wars”.  Now, I looked up “civil” in a wordbook, and it means “polite”.  I think you’ll both agree that there’s nothing civil about war.  I’m sure whichever historian came up with that phrase in relation to this particular type of war is reading this and saying; “Well, I’ve had a good run.  I could have gotten away with this forever if it wasn’t for that meddling Bifurcated lot and their vast readership.  Marjorie?  Be a dear and fetch the shotgun, please……  Yes, I’ve been rumbled.”

The End.

Just came back and read this.  I’m pleased with the genius of it but feel it lacks context.  Not gonna lie, my hangover is making it difficult to think of anything.  As Donald Glover’s character says in the Lethal Gun films, “I’m not as young as I once was.  Now stay away from my daughter and get your bloody mullet cut, Rigsby.”  Anyway: civil war, civil war, civil war, civi…  GOT IT!  It’s Manchester City against Manchester United and they’re playing in Derby or something.

City are good and United used to be good.  One plays in blue kits and the other plays in red.  All I know for definite is that they both come from Manchester and that football is a kind of war, but without the killings which is where the “civil” bit comes in.  Sweet Zombie Jesus, I’m good.

That’s enough filler, here’s the City players to watch out for:  David Seaman, because he’s England’s number one; Daniel Sturridge, because he dances with sandwiches, and; Ched Evans, who has been all over the news recently so he must be good.

Prediction:  I’ve forgotten where I was with the sizing of players in this bit, so I’ll just refer to them by their proper names unless I think of something better.  Bald Wayne has returned from his well-earned rest, and he’ll slip easily back into the captain’s armband once he realises it goes over his arm.  He’ll be playing up front with Silver Bobby, and they’ll combine to take us into a nervy one-goal lead at halftime.  Bony Angel will come out after the break all guns blazing (figuratively, that is; the civil war stuff was just an analogy) and he’ll score another sublime goal to send half of Manchester into a frenzy.  Fan favourite, Angry Rafael, will stay on the pitch long enough to score his first goal of the season after some lovely work from Cheekbones and Janey’s Shy through the middle of the pitch.  City will pull a late consolation goal back through Two-Haircuts Aguero, but it will be too (haircuts) late to stop the (actual) city turning red.  1-0 City.

Seeing as Rooney is back this week, everybody’s favourite United captain of all time is the next subject of my hours and hours of hard work.  Wayne lists his interests as:  Tangfastics, Red Pandas and Mozambique.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’ve never even heard of Man City. And to be honest, it sounds like the sort of phallocentric urban conurbation that we’ve been trying so hard to deconstruct. I haven’t been drinking.

Prediction: 8-8. United score goal of the world but its disallowed for some grab-assing in the box. I wish Optimus Prime was real.

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Brett:

I think I must have been watching a different game to everyone else last week. I didn’t see Adnan showing any signs of a promising return to form. But if anyone has got the number of his eyebrowologister, then send it my way; those things are incredible. I didn’t see Rojo looking like he can develop into anything but a high-kicking (cos he puts his foot in where others would put their head) lead in one of those things that they do on those woody rectangular things with the curtains they’ve borrowed from Twin Peaks (zeitgeist reference), with some posh blokes in tight suits, down at the front in suits, playing lots of different instruments they’ve obviously found in a charity shop, none of which seem the right size. I want to say ‘stage performance’, but I’m not completely stupid. I know that’s the measure of how well a herb does in a casserole (while we’re on the subject of Rawkus Mojo: why does he insist on kicking the ball as if his foot is a backwards foot on sideways and the ball is a sideways ball going backwards in a forwards motion? Answers in the comments please). If Vidic was still here and was getting picked behind him, it would put his nose right out of joint. I saw nothing of a return of ‘Fergie Time’. And I certainly am not buying into all this nonsense about the tree putting in a strong performance. Though it is Autumn, so that would add up. I didn’t see any evidence of any of this. No wait. I was watching Strictly, I’d set it to record as a series and recorded over the match entirely.

David Silva has gone platypus (or whatever that extinct bird is; whichever fits the upcoming punchline, or the other one to make the punchline work. Actually, who cares…). As in not around, but also like platinum. So, there’s only the other one thousand and something other really good, probably illegally registered, players to wrestle with. Apparently, Yaya Toure has a groin strain. Let’s hope it keeps on groin.

For the benefit of a very poor joke I’ve been saving up for a long time: apparently Luke Shaw has been watching videos of his opposite number to improve his defensive movement and awareness … Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Like in the film where that kid gets trained by Mr Majeika.

So, it’s come to this: a game against our bitterest rivals, where our only hopes appear to be resting with an Ed Sheeran fan and a tree.

Prediction: Him off of Coronation Farmders with those snake hips of his, to score a perfect 10 with at least two of the judges, probably Len and Bruno. Then that there judge on the end there to say something down right mean that makes the crowd boo and totally justified in that booing action they will be. Judy Murray to keep pretending she’s made of mdf, so that she can go on “a journey”. And Tess Daley to continue stealing Claudia Winkleman’s career right from under her nose.