(@Benglorious)

It’s a little known fact about our opposition today, but they don’t actually have anything to do with ham. Your best bet is venturing into a local supermarket, where they sell all sorts of different varieties of ham apart from west. You won’t see any football if you do this, though, so it’s a Catch-22 situation. I haven’t read the book.

Prediction: Ibra to miss all the sitters but Rooney to get the plaudits by missing one less sitter. Sitter is a funny word. Sitter. The more you see it the more it doesn’t look real. Sitter. Sitter. Is that 150 words yet? 1-0 West Ham.

 (@tom_mcghee)

West Ham are based in East London, an area long-associated with bad slags and geezers; never buy a car there as its probably at least three cars cuts and stitched together like a Royston Vasey Basilisk. The Football Club’s formative roots stretch back to 1900 but they existed for at least 5 years prior to this as  Thames Ironworks FC. They joined the football league proper in 1919 and have won the FA cup three times!!! Celebrity fans include The Krays (may god have mercy on their murdering souls) and Danny Dyer (Danny Dyer is a cockney person who cockneys) Their manager is a Vampire.

West Ham also won the Intertoto cup in 1999 and a BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award for something. We’ve won it twice. So…

Rick & Morty season 2 (2015)

Rick and Morty continue to have some legit madcap adventures after learning to communicate through Jessica’s feet. Felt bad for Krombopulos Michael, needs a spin-off imho. Also, Morty is clearly @akaunclesteven but with two hands. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Party cake wrapped in a paper napkin. Like it’s 1999, if we win convincingly, on a bed of knee-jerk. Either way you’re all cunts. Thinkpiece pies all round with a special shout out to Ol’ Fergie Ferg, washed down with a hot take of your faces, on the relative merits of Mourinho. I should have copied/pasted this better. 0-0 United.

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 (@ttackattackattack)

After seeing off Feyenoord in the last round of the Treble Winning Season Cup, we now face West Ham – pronounced ‘West Ahhhhhhhhm’ – in a two-legged almost-a-week-long knock out special. Winner takes it all. No time for losers. Hot dog jump in fire.

I’ve done some research this week, and it turns out Bernie Slaven Bilic’s eyes are hired golf balls from the sea front pitch and putt in Torquay, that he never returned – ergo forfeiting his deposit –  after an incident on the 16th hole involving two eye sockets and two hired golf baActually that’ll do. 150+ words. Submitted. Invoice in post. If you two pre-washed towels want to play the boss guys, then you better start rolling out some fat stacks for this dynamite double gold.

Oh yeah, and I’m Alive!! Like Johnny 5 off of Shorts Her kit. But handsomer.

Prediction: Thinkpiece pies all round, on a bed of knee-jerk, washed down with a hot take of your faces, on the relative merits of Mourinho; with a special shout out to Ol’ Fergie Ferg if West Ham win/don’t lose/fail to let us win convincingly. Party cake wrapped in a paper napkin, like it’s 1999, if we win convincingly. Either way you’re all cunts. 0-0 United. Sitter.

Here’s 5 things we learned from what one maverick expert is calling ‘Return of the Mk’. Me. I’ll be auctioning that a joke on Ebay, on Black Friday Month.

1) That Mkhitaryan is worth every penny of that £89m.

2) People have some great theories about Westworld.

3) Gift of a Goal have started legal proceedings btw.

4) Winning 4-0 is better than drawing 0-0. See also: 1-0, 2-0 & 3-0. Although it’s obviously relative; 4-0 is loads better than 1-0 but only marginally better than 3-0.

5) Mkhitaryan autocorrects correctly on my phone now at ‘Mk..’ so much better.

6) I’m still ‘MI hit a Ryan’.

7) House bricks > Samsung.

8) What does a Mkhitaryan eat anyway?

9) Hate to piss on your chips, but even Rooney looked like he’d kicked a football a few times before.

10) *Love.

  (@Benglorious)

Those two clowns have let that FBA almost-pre-nomination go to their heads recently. So much so that they’re making it look like they told me to write their previews whilst they live the high life, dining on the poshest of foods such as mushrooms and Bisto.

Anyway, Firenord are a Dutch team, named after the greatest action hero in the greatest film of all time – Predator (1987). I mean, he wasn’t called ‘Firenord’, that would be ridiculous, he was called ‘Dutch’ which I realise now isn’t the name of our opposition but I got so excited when I saw the word ‘Dutch’ that I forgot stuff. Predator rules.

Prediction: Arnie plus five to get dropped in a meat grinder because of a cooked-up story. Get to the chopper. 2-1, United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Legit forgot it was Thursday. So no (I can’t write on days beginning with T. Because of the name conflict i.e. Tom).

The Lobster 2015

WTAF. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Clown shoes, above, to stitch me up by not deleting Brett’s bit that I absolutely wrote, below. Choking up again tbf. Heaven is one maverick heavier today #RIPIwannaruntoyouleg. 0-0 United, out of respect.

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 (@ttackattackattack)

Hey Benno, can you do the Brett bit this week. I really, really miss him and choked up a bit when I started to write tbqfhwy. It put me right off my Sugar Puffs this morning. I still can’t believe what we did to one of the greatest human beings that ever lived in living memory irl. I know I said he wasn’t flammable, so, in some ways this is almost as much my fault as it is actually yours. Remember to delete this note, cos I don’t want to have to go through the same rigmarole like when us made a remarkably similar mistake with Paul tbf.

Prediction: Feyenoooooooooooooooooo more Europa League please, more like. Keep that one for Brett, as his prediction, cos he was good at these kind of maverick a jokes imho. 0-0 United

 FBA-Nominated Troll Benno (@Benglorious)

 15.02, Thursday – Just found out there’s a game tonight.

Prediction: Terrible. 5-0 United 

 FBA-Nominated Cunt Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care. In fact, I don’t care so much, I’m going to smash your fucking face in.

Related: anyone else notice the two teams who recently lost to City BOTH trained on the same ground beforehand?? Coincidence? No, the training area is obviously at fault, result declared null and void (like Brett’s life).

Secondly, if you take Man United and make it plural and then change Feyenoord to FireLord, you have a brilliant premise for a Hollywood film: Men, united against FireLord (he is bad)

Trois Couleurs: Bleu (1993)

French, Haven’t seen it.

Prediction: Awful. Absolutely awful. 7-0 United, Rashford to score all 7 in 7 minutes thereby making Lewandowski look a right mug.

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 FBA-Nominated Drawer of Beppe di Marco’s dad Brett(@ttackattackattack)

At last a game with some meaning. Not that you could tell from the effort above.

Expect:

• ball
• bash
• blast
• celebration
• cheer
• clambake
• delight
• dissipation
• distraction

• diversion
• enjoyment
• entertainment
• feast
• frolic
• fun
• gaiety
• game
• grins
• laugh

• merriment
• merrymaking
• party
• pastime
• picnic
• play
• recreation
• relaxation
• relief

• revelry
• satisfaction
• shindig
• sport
• sprees
• surprise
• treat
• big time
• blow out

• divertissement
• fun and games
• good time
• high time
• leisure activity
• lots of laughs
• regalement
• wingdings

Prediction: Fireworks and trees being pulled up and scaling the highest climbs and a party atmosphere Russ Abbott with one ‘t’ would have loved. Too soon. Oh. He’s alive?! But in prison?! No?! Oh. 0-0 United. Marcus with a hat-trick, that played backwards, and at 78rpm, reveals the meaning of life.