Donkey’s tears (Here’s) a mambo (five) queens and kings (things) me ol’ china (we) jury burned (learned) cor blimey (in) Knees down (defeating) any ol’ Iron (any old iron):

1. They only had 10 men for ages but we played like they had 11 – admirable professional imho.

2. Mike Dean, Mike Dean, Mike Dean, Mike Deeeeeeeeaaan, you really are a stupid old bald fuck (to the tune of any Black Lace record).

3. Pogba and Lingard got the same out of ten in one of the posh papers. This is insane.

4. Rashford is life.

1 a. professionalism. I got it wrong because I’ve never seen it with youse cunts.

5. Give referees soldier’s wages.

6. Also give referees soldier’s life-threatening combat situations.

7. Sure hope nobody called Mary dies in Sherlock because I haven’t watched it yet.

8. Lol. But seriously she dies.

9. Yeah, I figured.

10. Best thing in the episode imho. That Moffat has really dropped the ball.

Paul Pogba, the second best of all the Pauls we know, out of the two we know, did two priceless goals, priced at 43 million Euro each. Though, he has Michael “Michael Carrick” Carrick to thank, for doing all his homework for him, and preparing his packed lunch.

Robin van Personallycouldntgiveafuck scored. Huzzah!! Everyone’s a winner. Except losers. And people who bet on United keeping a clean sheet. Unless they cashed out. Or didn’t make it to the bookies in time. Or had another bet on RVP sco

Here’s the 5 things we learned. None of which we have learned before, previously, in the past, or ever will again, in the future, or again:

1) Pogba is worth double what we paid for him regardless of what I said previously.

2) Memphis is still bad.

3) Think the dab could really catch on.

4) Memphis has gotten worse since 2)

5) Robbie Savage is an anus.

6) There’s absolutely no way we’re gonna lose a game by conceding 4 goals, after this performance.

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 FLC Nominated for crimes against fun/lols (@Benglorious)

Losttheirlustre City is the kind of joke you should always start with. Secondly, you should say something about Red Leicester even though they play in blue. Needs workshopping, that one. I’ll see if Brett manages to punch it up and then just steal it.

Coming off the back of the Northampton game is something you’d normally get arrested for, but not these pampered millionaires. Classic double standards in my harambe opinion. Disunirregardless of the quality of United’s legal team, the victory still counts so now we’re back on track for another treble. Leicester are the current holders of one of the trophies, but it can’t be one of the important ones because it’s Leicester innit.

Prediction: The only type of goal that Rashford hasn’t scored yet is a 40-yard screaming header, so put your house on him scoring at least one of those. Every two minutes. 6-0 United.

 FYC Nominated for driving us Craaaazy (@tom_mcghee)

Got to go to A&E chances are I won’t be back. So feel free to write mine.

Bridget Jones’ Baby 2016

The eponymous heroine of the cult trilogy returns for more glols than you can shake an ageing/dead-eyed Mr Darcy at. Who’s the Daddy? Is it him? Is it him? Guess we’ll never know, unless we stay till at least the end of the trailers next time. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Mourinho and Ranieri to get themselves into a hilarious scuffle, that sees them both end up in a water feature by a posh house and emerge ABSOLUTELY WET THROUGH!!!! Comedy gold. 12-0 United cos Rash. 0-12 Leicester cos Rooney.

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 F&F nominated best rainbow t-shirt *wink wink* (@ttackattackattack)

LIEcester more like. Cos ‘I’ before ‘E’, accept after ‘C’. And Lies. As in conspiracies. Have you ever noticed how you never see Leicester, the so called English Premier League Champions, and the English Premier League Trophy in the same dream about Gary Lineker’s tits?

Speaking of which: after Gary Lineker broke his promise of doing MOTD in his underwear by presenting in a giant’s handkerchief, Leicester have lost their lustre. Losttheirluster more like. That’s pretty good actually. Should have started with that tbh.

Prediction: Young Rash and his permanent purple patch: he shoots from every angle and indigo. That’s mine. You can’t use it without asking very nicely. 0-0 United. 

In other news: Skipper Roo finally silenced his critics with a display of such wanting-to-chainsaw-your-eyes-out-with-a-chainsaw-made-from-barbed-wire-so-you-can-never-suffer-watching-him-play-football-again depths. We all killed ourselves irl and that’s why we are silent, is the a joke. I’m writing this from beyond the grave. Tell my mum to feed the cat. And not the oily tuna. It plays havoc with her thyroid. Is another joke. I don’t even have a cat. Just riffing on the a joke super highway in the sky with diamonds.

Here’s five things we learned from sixfields … SICKfields, when Rashford is playing. AMIRITE?!:

1. We can easily win every game if we get to shoot at an open goal from a yard out all the time.

2) Rooney. Get rid.

3. Thought Wayne looked like his old self. By which I mean him at 70.

4. Rashford is the lifeblood of Manchester United’s blood.

5. Herrera Rocher is really spoiling us.

6. Lol @ 5.

7. ffs I meant 3. 5 is bad.

8. Yeah. Thought I’d save it for a tweet but fuck it I’m a maverick.

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 FBA-Nominated Maverick (@Benglorious)

The last time we played Northampton we actually had good players who were proven goalscorers for United – Diego Forlan and Mikaël Silvestre both netted that day. Those were the good times. Nowadays, we’re not even sure we can beat a team that is five hundred places below us in the league even though we’ve literally spent all the money on all the players and all the managers. Glory Glory Man United.

Prediction: JoMo to cease to exist because people stop talking about him. No-Marcus Gashfraud to hate the silencers by scoring a reverse-backheel. Pogba to score a hat-trick of doubt. 5-4 Northampton.

 FBA-Nominated Hammerlegend (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t know where Northampton is and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven through it more than twelve times.

What was always going to be a ‘let’s hope United slip up’ kinda game, I think the additional presence of a UN Peacekeeping force – in case any stray comments hurt one of our players – will raise the spectacle level by 2. Making it a 3. And as anyone who knows numbers will tell you, 3 is a magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number; somewhere in this hip-hop soul community, was born 3, Mase Dove and Me and that’s the magic number. What does it all mean? My analysis: Everybody wants to be a DJ, everybody wants to be an MC.

Prediction: Being Speakers are the best. Cease and Desist order from De La Soul’s legal representation, Pogba triple hat-trick to silence the haters, scientific proof that Rash actually is the second coming. 1-0, United.

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 FBI-Most Wanted (@ttackattackattack)

I am joining a monastery and hereby relinquish all sites and awards to Tom and Benno, the real heroes. Is something I would never say. I don’t even like monsters. Or Tom. Or Benno. Or either of them tbh. But, if I had to pick just one to like, forever, then I would have to say Joshua Tree.

Northampton, Northampton, Northampton. Hey?! What can be said about Northampton that hasn’t been already said: backwards sounds like a Danish baddy Transformer from the past and present future BC. Check if anyone has said that. Then, tell me who’s the baddest MF.

Prediction: RashforDeeply Depay bout the curves you got. Deeply hot; hot for the curves you got. Ohhhh Me-emphis… You can use that Benno. Just came to me. Use it. Or you’re fired. Scum. Pogba to triple the haters with a silent-trick. 0-0 United.

 FBA-Nominated Troll Benno (@Benglorious)

 15.02, Thursday – Just found out there’s a game tonight.

Prediction: Terrible. 5-0 United 

 FBA-Nominated Cunt Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care. In fact, I don’t care so much, I’m going to smash your fucking face in.

Related: anyone else notice the two teams who recently lost to City BOTH trained on the same ground beforehand?? Coincidence? No, the training area is obviously at fault, result declared null and void (like Brett’s life).

Secondly, if you take Man United and make it plural and then change Feyenoord to FireLord, you have a brilliant premise for a Hollywood film: Men, united against FireLord (he is bad)

Trois Couleurs: Bleu (1993)

French, Haven’t seen it.

Prediction: Awful. Absolutely awful. 7-0 United, Rashford to score all 7 in 7 minutes thereby making Lewandowski look a right mug.

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 FBA-Nominated Drawer of Beppe di Marco’s dad Brett(@ttackattackattack)

At last a game with some meaning. Not that you could tell from the effort above.

Expect:

• ball
• bash
• blast
• celebration
• cheer
• clambake
• delight
• dissipation
• distraction

• diversion
• enjoyment
• entertainment
• feast
• frolic
• fun
• gaiety
• game
• grins
• laugh

• merriment
• merrymaking
• party
• pastime
• picnic
• play
• recreation
• relaxation
• relief

• revelry
• satisfaction
• shindig
• sport
• sprees
• surprise
• treat
• big time
• blow out

• divertissement
• fun and games
• good time
• high time
• leisure activity
• lots of laughs
• regalement
• wingdings

Prediction: Fireworks and trees being pulled up and scaling the highest climbs and a party atmosphere Russ Abbott with one ‘t’ would have loved. Too soon. Oh. He’s alive?! But in prison?! No?! Oh. 0-0 United. Marcus with a hat-trick, that played backwards, and at 78rpm, reveals the meaning of life. 

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s Derby time again! That special match that only comes round three, sometimes four or five but no less than two, times a year unless it only happens once. The winners get to make Manchester either red or blue in a tradition that stretches back all the way to the ancient past of 1991. In the event of a draw, both teams get to raze Carlisle to the ground.

Prediction: Pep to be bald but this somehow leaves his managerial abilities unaffected. JoMo to surprise everyone with a surprise team selection that surprises everyone who hasn’t predicted it. Rashford to be life, to be loved and cherished till death do us part. 5-0 United.

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Bahahahahahaha yeah I won’t be doing a preview innit. Just write some absolute bollocks and put my name on it. Avoid the 4th Reich stuff.

Suicide Squad (2016)

The soundtrack to this film must be at least 6 CD’s (it’s a music thing – look it up) worth of tunes, which the director obviously took great pleasure in shoehorning into every available scene purely because it made him look clever: “Look, they’re bad guys but you’re supposed to feel something for them, so let’s put Sympathy for the Devil in there.” “Harley Quinn is quite the free spirit, why not have her cavorting around with that You Don’t Own Me over the top?” “They’re weird people with powers? Easy – Super Freak.” “They’re doing horrible stuff for no reward? You’ll love this one – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” “I’m now going to blow your tiny minds, people – Suicide is Painless but we get Blazin’ Squad to cover it. Get it? SUICIDE is painless, blazin’ SQUAD. Because the film’s called Suicide Squaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh why are you attacking me please sto   ”

Bad people do good things badly for good people who are also bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Aguero with his customary two haircuts. Goals for both teams or neither team or just one team or just the other team. Manchester is browny-grey. 6-6 United.

www.tom_and_the_4th_reich.co.uk

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 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Another dead rubber.

Expect United to field a second string side as they focus attention on the Football Cup and Eurovision finals respectively. So, an opportunity for the likes of Paul Pogba, Zlatan Abramovich and David de Gea – remember them??!! – to force their way in to Jose Mourinho’s thinking for those upcoming fixtures.

Tbf I think Antony Royle already razed Carlisle to the ground.

I don’t see colour.

Prediction: In order to foil City’s tactics, Jose undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity and physical appearance of Pep, but the plan turns from bad to worse when Pep impersonates Jose. Pep, but Jose, says, “I don’t know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean I enjoy *boning* your team, but let’s face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don’t we trade back?” Jose, but Pep, replies, “You can’t give back what you’ve taken from me.” Pep, but Jose, replies, “OK, then… plan B, why don’t we just kill each other? *HashtagFightScenes* Jose, but Pep, wins and continues to manage United for a bit. But it’s actually Pep innit, but Jose. 0-0 United.

Rashdawg utilised a loophole in matchday squad/substitution administration to circumvent Jose’s ageist regime and hammerlegended it.

Roonsquad utilised a loophole in his 30 year decline to provide the assist that Rashdawg himself would have been proud of. Apart from the scuffed cross bit that fluked its way through to Rashdawg. And the hair.

Here’s 5 things we learned ‘under the rain':

1) Rash is life.

2) Not a rash like that time I came back from Thailand.

3) I’m proper fucked I’ll try tomorrow.

4) Can’t wait.

5) Literally didn’t wait.