Wayne Mark Rooney. Captain. Leader. Legend. 250 goals scored in a United shirt to take the record out of Sir Bobby Charlton’s skeletal grasp. To put that in perspective: If he played for another 36 years he’d have 1000 goals. That would almost make me forget about the two transfer requests. Almost. The problem is that, at his current rate of decline, in ten more years he’d be less useful on the pitch than a potato (mashed or jacket, your choice).

All joking aside, it truly is a fantastic achievement to become the all-time leading scorer for both your club and country, so our top football correspondents at Bifurcated are here to celebrate the Roondog’s milestone in our own inimitable fashion. Unbelievable stuff. Especially the two transfer requests. Cunt.

 (@Benglorious)

Favourooite Wayne:

Sleep.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

That one where he did that boxing celebration after. Lovely sense of humour.

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Favourooite Wayne goal: 

That one where he chipped it.

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Favourooite Wayne Quote:

That one where he threatened to put himself to sleep (little girl)

That one about the Everton the beatles come together leg

That one when he realised Whitney was gone.

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Favourooite Wayne hairline:

2004.

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Favourooite Wayne transfer request: 

Chelsea. Cunt.

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 (@bifurcated_utd)

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Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

Scoring on his debut for Beijing Guoan in July 2017.

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Favourooite Wayne goal: 

The one where we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’, and then he did a kicked it in the nets and we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’.

FIN

not by Rooney

 (@Benglorious)

So glad we’ve got an easy game after the taxing international break. Statistics show that Liverpool are better than United at some things and worse than them at other things. The same statistics show that United are better than Liverpool at some things but worse than them at other things. Different statistics show that Liverpool are neither better nor worse than United at some things, yet those same statistics, that are not the original statistics I mentioned previously, also show that United are neither better nor worse than Liverpool at some things. They can’t all be right.

Prediction: Mata to disco it up again as Roondog watches from the new Haribo Dugout. Rashford to show Ibra how to score from a yard. Liverpool will also be there. 5-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Liverpool Football Club – or Liverpool FC – are a football club from Liverpool, a Northern town famous for Beatles. Much like Everton but in red, they once strode the footballing globe like a veritable colossus before sliding into mid-table obscurity for twenty years. This is their season (you can tell because Jordan Henderson is so dreamy that I want to kiss him on his penis).

What we do in the Shadows (2014)

Murray and Jermaine leave Brett right out (great idea imho) and make a film about four vampires house-sharing in New Zealand but with jokes. I liked it when they met up with the werewolves and became friends. Stu was also great. Rotten Tomatoes say ‘Smarter, fresher and funnier than a modern vampire has any right to be’, which makes no sense.

Prediction: Werewolves not Swearwolves. 4-3 United in the greatest game of football the planet has ever witnessed, not a terse, grubby affair with both sets of fans being dicks. 

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 (@ttackattackattack)

I love Liverpool. In fact, I love Liverpool so much I’m going to make sweet violent love to them in my own hand.

Apropos of nothing, What we doing in the Shadows is desperately missing the best bit, Brett, imho. It would have made much more sense and would have been so much better if the other two would have left themselves right out of it. And boiled their head in spaff. To death.

Prediction: Messy. A grubby dicks affair. As for the game: Gingham Pressing Inc. to get their collective cotton blends dyed. 0-0 United.

 ICBM-nominated for beating Brett at Stratego (@Benglorious)

Zorya is not a thing. Even though I’ve now heard of it, it’s still not a thing. Apropos of almost nothing (the Bifurcated motto), here’s some things that start with ‘z’ that actually are things:

• Zebra (shit horse)
• Zombie (shit person)
• Zodiac (shit goats and shit)
• Zelda (shit little boy dressed like a shit pixie)
• Xena (shit warrior princess who can’t spell)

United should be able to beat all of these quite easily, apart from Xena who could probably muster a half-decent XI.

Prediction: Rashford to score on his Zorya debut to continue his incredible run of debut goals. Rooney to do something to further his narrative, possibly by reading a book or kicking a ball good. 5-0 Zangief.

 FUBAR-nominated for Judassing with another website (@tom_mcghee)

Zorya Luhansk were originally FC Porto but changed their name in tribute to that crazy old bitch in the old James Bond movies who worked for Blofeld and had knives in her shoes. If I was less lazy/better qualified, this is where there’d be a youtubed moving picture highlighting how comically bad she was, both at her job (Killing Bond) and just kicking in general. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (1989)

In this, Dr. Henry Jones Jnr’s final outing, we join “Indiana” (Spoiler: that was the dog’s name!!) on another globe-trotting adventure whilst he tries to find the Holy Grail before those goddammed Nazis. Accompanied by his dad, Sean Connery, it is beyond awesome and anyone who hasn’t seen it yet (Josh, Hookhand) has no excuse and is scum. Sub-human scum. Highlights: Venice catacombs, ‘They’re trying to kill us’ ‘I know Dad, it happens to me all the time’, some classic yer da moments, an invisible bridge, learning that Jehovah starts with an I in ancient Aramaic, and a Ghost Knight. 5 out of 5 popped corns.

Prediction:  Brett to win his C&A award, 1000 goals.

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 C&A-nominated worst person alive (@ttackattackattack)

With the news that Captain Wayne Rooney will be absent from the starting XI with a (never getting) back (in to the starting XI) injury, United will be forced to rely on their strengths and goals.

In spite of our vast knowledge of tonight’s opposition (see them two towels above p.s Benno: Zlatan), I have done some additional learnsearch and uncovered a secret list of their tactics, and highlighted how to exploit/combat them. Therefore, winning the game.

1. “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” – Our players should remember not to fall for this request at set-pieces. Even if they say please. Therefore, winning the game.

2. “Driven to Tears” – Our players shouldn’t be fooled by ‘crocodile tears’. Therefore, winning the game.

3. “When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What’s Still Around” – They may well use the corner flags/referee’s whistle/goalkeeper’s towel … anything that is available, as a weapon. Our players should let them, so they get sent off and reduced to less men than the amount they start with. Therefore, winning the game.

4. “Canary in a Coalmine” – Our players need to be wary of them “playing dead” Ref: Ashley Young. Therefore, winning the game.

5. “Voices Inside My Head” – Our players should tease and bully their tap-tap-curly-wurly-cuckoo players. Therefore, winning the game.

6. “Bombs Away” – Our players need to look out for long balls over the top of our defence. Therefore, winning the game.

7. “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da” – Our players shouldn’t be distracted by impressions of Scousers/Scum. Therefore, winning the game.

8. “Behind My Camel” - Our players shouldn’t bum a camel. Therefore, winning the game.

9. “Man in a Suitcase” – Our players should look out for suitcases in the penalty area. Classic Trojan Horse. Therefore, winning the game.

10. “Shadows in the Rain” – Our players should look out for ex-Gladiators, if the weather turns drizzly. Therefore, winning the game.

11. “The Other Way of Stopping” – Our players should go the other way. Therefore, winning the game.

Prediction: Tom and Benno to not win their awards, despite being the only nominations, cos losers. 0-0 United.

Football??!! Bloody hell!!! That’s mine. Last week we were all crying into our pot noodles and beating our loved ones with a rolling pin. And this week we’re making merry and beating our loved ones with a rolling pin but apologising afterwards.

United. United. United. In that order. Innit. Hashtag GGMU.

Here’s 5 things we learned about our heroes in red* *Sometimes white, and sometimes whatever the other colour is, I’m gonna say pink, cos that’s just a nightmare waiting to happen for the kit cleaners/women:

1. Thought it conspicuous that a lot of Wayne’s detractors remained silent after today’s performance (his best for a while imho, give or take the last 8 mins).

3. Pretty sure Wayne would’ve saved Gray’s effort tbh.

6) Actually watched most of this one. Pretty sure it was written by JJ Abrams.

2. Your face is written b

 FBA-Nominated Troll Benno (@Benglorious)

 15.02, Thursday – Just found out there’s a game tonight.

Prediction: Terrible. 5-0 United 

 FBA-Nominated Cunt Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care. In fact, I don’t care so much, I’m going to smash your fucking face in.

Related: anyone else notice the two teams who recently lost to City BOTH trained on the same ground beforehand?? Coincidence? No, the training area is obviously at fault, result declared null and void (like Brett’s life).

Secondly, if you take Man United and make it plural and then change Feyenoord to FireLord, you have a brilliant premise for a Hollywood film: Men, united against FireLord (he is bad)

Trois Couleurs: Bleu (1993)

French, Haven’t seen it.

Prediction: Awful. Absolutely awful. 7-0 United, Rashford to score all 7 in 7 minutes thereby making Lewandowski look a right mug.

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 FBA-Nominated Drawer of Beppe di Marco’s dad Brett(@ttackattackattack)

At last a game with some meaning. Not that you could tell from the effort above.

Expect:

• ball
• bash
• blast
• celebration
• cheer
• clambake
• delight
• dissipation
• distraction

• diversion
• enjoyment
• entertainment
• feast
• frolic
• fun
• gaiety
• game
• grins
• laugh

• merriment
• merrymaking
• party
• pastime
• picnic
• play
• recreation
• relaxation
• relief

• revelry
• satisfaction
• shindig
• sport
• sprees
• surprise
• treat
• big time
• blow out

• divertissement
• fun and games
• good time
• high time
• leisure activity
• lots of laughs
• regalement
• wingdings

Prediction: Fireworks and trees being pulled up and scaling the highest climbs and a party atmosphere Russ Abbott with one ‘t’ would have loved. Too soon. Oh. He’s alive?! But in prison?! No?! Oh. 0-0 United. Marcus with a hat-trick, that played backwards, and at 78rpm, reveals the meaning of life. 

Our PA told us to say lol @ Bravo’s footwork and his ability to trap an ankle dead from 5 yards. And to mention in passing that Kevin de Bruyne is actually Kev Brown, who keeps pigeons with his dad, down the ginnel, and so a huge naughty fraud and so his goals and assists shouldn’t count, or we’re gonna tell Mrs Brown what her son’s been up to when he tells her he’s just popping down the corner shop for a can of dandelion and burdock and a sherbet dib dab.

Here’s 5 things us learneded from the moral victory against Kev and his so called mates:

1. It is bad when you lose but it gives you perspective when you realise there’s worse things in the world.

2. Like losing to City.

3. Pep and Jose used to be pals at Barcelona.

4. They are not pals anymore.

5. Ghost in the machine. Maybe a metaphor? (I did’t watch it)

6. G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GHOST??!! SCOOBY!!!!!!

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s Derby time again! That special match that only comes round three, sometimes four or five but no less than two, times a year unless it only happens once. The winners get to make Manchester either red or blue in a tradition that stretches back all the way to the ancient past of 1991. In the event of a draw, both teams get to raze Carlisle to the ground.

Prediction: Pep to be bald but this somehow leaves his managerial abilities unaffected. JoMo to surprise everyone with a surprise team selection that surprises everyone who hasn’t predicted it. Rashford to be life, to be loved and cherished till death do us part. 5-0 United.

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Bahahahahahaha yeah I won’t be doing a preview innit. Just write some absolute bollocks and put my name on it. Avoid the 4th Reich stuff.

Suicide Squad (2016)

The soundtrack to this film must be at least 6 CD’s (it’s a music thing – look it up) worth of tunes, which the director obviously took great pleasure in shoehorning into every available scene purely because it made him look clever: “Look, they’re bad guys but you’re supposed to feel something for them, so let’s put Sympathy for the Devil in there.” “Harley Quinn is quite the free spirit, why not have her cavorting around with that You Don’t Own Me over the top?” “They’re weird people with powers? Easy – Super Freak.” “They’re doing horrible stuff for no reward? You’ll love this one – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” “I’m now going to blow your tiny minds, people – Suicide is Painless but we get Blazin’ Squad to cover it. Get it? SUICIDE is painless, blazin’ SQUAD. Because the film’s called Suicide Squaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh why are you attacking me please sto   ”

Bad people do good things badly for good people who are also bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Aguero with his customary two haircuts. Goals for both teams or neither team or just one team or just the other team. Manchester is browny-grey. 6-6 United.

www.tom_and_the_4th_reich.co.uk

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 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Another dead rubber.

Expect United to field a second string side as they focus attention on the Football Cup and Eurovision finals respectively. So, an opportunity for the likes of Paul Pogba, Zlatan Abramovich and David de Gea – remember them??!! – to force their way in to Jose Mourinho’s thinking for those upcoming fixtures.

Tbf I think Antony Royle already razed Carlisle to the ground.

I don’t see colour.

Prediction: In order to foil City’s tactics, Jose undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity and physical appearance of Pep, but the plan turns from bad to worse when Pep impersonates Jose. Pep, but Jose, says, “I don’t know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean I enjoy *boning* your team, but let’s face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don’t we trade back?” Jose, but Pep, replies, “You can’t give back what you’ve taken from me.” Pep, but Jose, replies, “OK, then… plan B, why don’t we just kill each other? *HashtagFightScenes* Jose, but Pep, wins and continues to manage United for a bit. But it’s actually Pep innit, but Jose. 0-0 United.