Thanks to Ashley Young for garnishing this special day with a big slap in the chops. All the title talk today is obviously about the capitulation of Balotelli’s City career, but Ashley Young, who was also parodying himself with more than just THAT dive, deserves equal billing. Get rid. Simple. Scholes was wonderful (Beautiful goal, some drool-inducing passes), so were others to a lesser degree. A fairly straight-forward result full of domination and the accustomed...

I give up trying to guess scores for now, well what’s this then, hey?! My fingers have a mind of their own, like tiny ‘phantom limbs’, it’s now such an intrinsic part of my weekend routine that I caaaaan’t sssssstop wrrrrrritinggggg… As we’re here let’s go for a 3-1, just because 2-0 and 2-1 are too obvious and there is absolutely no way QPR will win at O.T. Sparky will hopefully provide some entertainment by...

United fan and friend of Bifurcated Lucy (@lkarko) was waiting for a taxi to take her into town. She heard the pip of the horn, but when she got outside it wasn’t the taxi waiting, no, it was the Bifurcated Train!   The conductor tossed her a  £1 coin and held out his hand  to lead her in the direction of the platform. There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination...

*CTRL+V* What would we do without T.V? Altogether … LOSE! It’s slightly surreal that we’re five points clear, the way the season has played out and considering how badly we’re playing. Man of the Match: David de Gea (Everyone’s favourite moody-twenty-something-teenager) p.s Here’s what the ‘human butterfly knife’ Ashley Young  just said after the game “It was a massive game for us, we knew we could go five points clear at the top, it was a great...

For the first time in a bit, I’m especially confident. Whether it’s Manicini’s terrible attempt at “Mind Games” or crying as it’s called where I come from, or whether it’s the fact that Blackburn already had all their luck against us (not as if I believe in that seriously, but then I don’t really believe in predictions either and I’ve been doing them for over a year, maybe I just make this stuff up off...

He may no longer play for United, but we have managed to get our grubby little hands on the archived, top-secret, investigations he undertook while he was still under our employment... Micky has seen it all. From the depths of despair and depravity on the streets of Liverpool, to the bleak cultural black hole of the North-East.  When Sir Alex Ferguson approached him with the opportunity to sharpen his investigative tools without having football as...

 Penalty, Sccchhhmenalty. We’d obviously slipped two-bob in the ref’s pocket whilst holding his family hostage in the car park out the back etc etc etc … Nothing more boring than a penalty debate, when done so unimagintively. Rooney scores again. United win again. Man of the Match:  Martin Jol

With our strange home form nothing can be taken for granted and with now having the momentum in the league our focus will have shifted. With that in mind, I can see us struggling a bit in this game, unless we get a couple of early goals (The story of our season almost). As long as we have T.V fit, everything will be okay. There you go a serious couple of sentences, full of cliches....

Friend of Bifurcated Des Flannelly (@Flanders03) was just off down his local for a quick pint, but as he stepped out the house he was confronted by a train station (surprise, surprise) that had appeared out of thin-air.  The conductor handed him a shiny £1 coin and thrust his hand in the direction of the platform. There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …    Canvey Island! (Still not going to let it bother us that there isn’t actually...

I don’t use the “Rant” category section of the site much, in part because I’m not entirely comfortable with the word, but whatever, here goes, people get NHS beds quicker than I get to the point sometimes, if I ever do … . In the last four or five games I’ve watched on as at least three thirds of the incidents, where players have “come together” on the pitch, have resulted in an embarrassing display of creative simulation – or...