United vs. Everton
@Benglorious) Do you remember when we had Rooney and it was good? Do you also remember when we had Rooney and it was bad? Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time? Remember the Titans? These are all things that can be remembered. As will Rooney’s winning goal for Everton today. I miss him. Prediction: Lukaku to freak out Ewok nuts by levitating his annoying robot servant...
Stoke 2 – 2 United
Really? One month after the game. This is Paul level bad. 5 things we learnzy wearnzy woo woo’d: 1. It was a bad game. 2. Not 5-0 bad obvs but still pretty bad. 3. Mane was defies a red card and anyone thinking otherwise must have also shit for brains. 4. I liked it when Rashford cheated at heads and volleys to win the big goal.
United 2 – 0 Leicester
This game was so long ago that no-one cares. Here’s 5 things to not care about: 1. We were only half as good as the last game. 2. But still eighteen-thirds better than Arsenal. 3. Even Arsenal are eighteen-thirds better than Arsenal. 4. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was good I liked it when there was a raccoon. 5. GoT was good I liked it when there wasn’t a raccoon. 6. I like young Kurt...
Stoke vs. United
@Benglorious) City 5-0 Liverpool. The prosecution rests, M’Lud. Prediction: Me to finally realise that prosecution does NOT mean the same as electrocution. Unless it does. Ain’t nobody got no time to check these facts. Lukaku to gain an audience with Jabba by mind-tricking Bib Fortuna who is actually Peter Crouch. 4-0 United. m (@tom_mcghee) ‘You will never find, a more wretched hive, of scum and villainy’ – Obi-Wan Kenobi re: Stoke You say ‘Stoke’, you...
United vs. Leicester
@Benglorious) I am at a family barbecue, so I will keep this brief or I will get in serious trouble. Not from my family, from Brett for trying to kill him for the twelfth time this month. Prediction: McGregor to win by TKO unless Mayweather knocks him the fuck out. Lukaku to travel to Dagobah for much-needed somersault training. 4-0 United. m (@tom_mcghee) Win or lose, I’m the worst. Dunno why I even bother...
Swansea 0 – 4 (Four) United
With Brett (the maverick one of us) in Poland you would think us two clowns (Tom and Benno) would do this review, but we are massive blends. FOURchester United more like! Here’s FOUR things we learned in honFOUR of FOUR FOURmidable team: 1. I’m not sure how to handle all these goals. 2. It just doesn’t feel right. 3. I like the ‘1-0 at half-time, same 3 scorers in second half’ pattern we’ve got going...
Swansea vs. United
@Benglorious) It’s so much easier to write a decent preview after we’ve won the previous game. Prediction: Lukaku to continue his development by kissing his sister and then hitting the winner into the exhaust port. 3-1, United m (@tom_mcghee) Cannot do words today. I am a conscientious objector over Swansea’s role in Vietnam. Damn them, damn them straight to hell. Prediction: Two goals, one for the each of you. 0-0 United m m (@bifurcated_utd) I...
United 4 (Four) – 0 West Ham
We haven’t won the English Premier League on the first day of the season since that great day back in 1966! All the squad can now look forward to taking a well deserved tour of all them countries who haven’t bought enough shirts and that, until next August. Here’s 5 things we learnt/ed: 1. Winning is good. 2. That’s all I’ve got. 3. Fella next to me in the pub, thought it was a great...