m m  Benno (@Benglorious)   I did my theory test in Ipswich. It was ok.   m Opposition summary: Ipswich were relegated from the Premiership League long before we were all born, but the elders tell tales of a striker of such skill, panache and elegance that the FA had all mention of his goalscoring exploits sanitised so future footballers wouldn’t feel inadequate. His name? Ian “Striding God” Marshall. Not only was he the most gifted...

 Benno (@Benglorious)   Everybody’s away this weekend so I’m in charge even though I’m also not here. This means I have to write theirs as well as mine. Just a normal match day then.   m Opposition summary: Southampton is downhill from Manchester, so they always have an uphill struggle against us.   Prediction: Vangle to stop messing around with possession and just go for all out goals. In fact, there’ll be so many goals...

5 things we learnt watching United’s Champions League defeat: 1. Nobody likes Hector Moreno. 2. Everybody likes Luke Shaw. 3. Football clubs are the worst clubs. They cost loads to get in and you have to sing your own songs. At least you can get in wearing trainers. 4. Anthony Martial has a melting point of 1064.43 degrees celsius 4. LVG is bad at substitutions. 5. When Vangle says Philosophy, he actually means Fellaini. 6....

 Benno (@Benglorious) The Liverpool game has just finished on SkyGo. Great result and two very lucky goals by both side’s new signings. I predict things for our new lad, Martial, the first being money and his acquisition of an amount of it, and the second that he’ll make United fans have positive reactions again when they hear the name ‘Tony’. I love him already.     m Opposition summary: PSV was about a submarine and it...

Manchester United vs. Liverpool 12/9/15 (3-1) Five things we learned after match we done: 1. Smoking kills 2. But not right away 3. Apart from in a house fire  

z z  Benno (@Benglorious) Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and...

Multiversity was a DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month saw a story loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea...

What a game. I didn’t see it.

.  Benno (@Benglorious) Liverpool are funny. Not funny like a clown because clowns are winners. m   Opposition summary:  Research shows that Swansea are not from Belgium. Further research shows that they are something of a “bogey team” for Vangle. Further further research would tell me what “bogey team” means but they don’t call me No-More-Than-Two-Bits-Of-Research Benno because of my limp. It’s because I won’t do more than two bits of research. So, in my...

What a game. I didn’t see it.