(@Benglorious) I can imagine all the left-backs in the country breathing a collective sigh of relief today, safe in the knowledge that, with the news of Valencia’s contract not being renewed, they can look forward to no ball-shaped bruises on their shins. But seriously, he’s bad. As are Southampton. Prediction: Goals for the two fit players (decided via tombola in the cafeteria) give United yet another victory under Ole. Just how many victories has...

Didn’t watch it.

    (@Benglorious) If we all cast our collective minds back, we’ll remember that a previous injury crisis gave a first team debut to a certain young Marcus Rashford, who has since gone on to cement his place as one of the most exciting attacking talents in Europe. Unfortunately, he’s injured so we’re fucked. Prediction: Me to waste a good prediction by writing Tom’s before my own. 0-0 United. M  (@tom_mcghee) Will not be doing...

We didn’t watch it.

  (@Benglorious) Can’t wait for the Henderson/Pogba battle today, where one will finally be crowned the greatest midfielder in the Premier League and the other will still be called Jordan. Prediction: Ole to be at the wheel, but he makes sure everybody’s got their seatbelts on and all the fluids are topped up. Especially the screenwash. 0-0 United. M  (@tom_mcghee) Apparently my brother’s boiler is leaking so I can’t write a preview. How convenient for...

The only real downside to last night’s result is the footage emerging of Alexis Sanchez looking very small. Apparently, he is just very small and not just very far away. Wait, two downsides: the MBM Krang/turtles tweet was wasted on all you scum.   Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. People sure don’t like Sanchez 2. And by ‘people’ I mean us 3. I like him I think he adds a lot to the team...

(@Benglorious) Here’s yer boy with some more faultless logic – City thrashed Chelsea. Both City and United didn’t win in the Champions League last week. Ergo: United are as good as City. Double ergo: United will thrash Chelsea. Prediction: Did you not read that flawless argument? ’nuff said. 0-0 United. M  (@tom_mcghee) I will not be doing words out of respect for the death of the Labour Party also I hate Chelsea the cunts Prediction:...

One for the grandkids … “Where were you when Ole Gunnar Solskjaer lost his one and only game as manager of Manchester United Football Club”? That Alexis7 hatty is going to be even more sweeter, now he’s decided to wait until the second leg. I wonder what they will make his statue out of? These reporters say, clay, made from shit…   Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Everyone hates Sanchez. He’s like the anti-Raymond...

  (@Benglorious) Based on logic, in which I have an extremely pointless qualification, Ole has never lost a game as United manager therefore he can’t ever lose a game. Further evidence of this is his unbeaten managerial record in the Champions League. You can’t argue with reasoning like this because I will destroy you, possibly with De Morgan’s theorem (shout out to the logic nerds). Prediction: Some Frenchmen to put in good performances. 0-0 United...

“We’ve finally got our United back!” Plastics. We remained Top Reds throughout. No need to look back through our previews and reviews over the last 3 years.  The science checks out.   Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Glad I’m not a Chelsea fan 2. Which team do you support, again? 3. The best one 4. City 5. For now 6. Lol cos Liverpool and City keep swapping who are the best ones and the...

  (@Benglorious) Lol @ Brett for doing a preview. M  (@tom_mcghee) Not doing one cos I did one and no-one did last week. Losers. MM (@bifurcated_utd) Finally the opportunity to MEAT the Full ham not just the West, or Totten, or Soutpton varieties. Prediction: Vegan outrage. Which doesn’t amount to much as they are so tired and weak all the time. 0-0 United.