(@Benglorious) Instead of starring in film trailers or pimping out tractors, I wish our players would sometimes let loose and steal a taxi or dress as a suicide bomber or add their brand to a Flowers of Manchester memorial or even just do a silly dance on Instagram. Football is too money-oriented these days, proved by our own Paul Pogba spending his entire £465 million salary on haircuts simply to spite Garth Crooks....

Phil Jones and Chris Smalling are the best. BEST. ABSO BEST. In a parallel Universe Jose got his wish and the game is still being played. It’s currently 9087 – 0. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. I didn’t watch the game because I wasn’t watching it. 2. My new jam is Taken The Series. It’s pointless. 3. I’ve got 30+ quests to do on Skyrim and I’m starting to feel a teeny bit overwhelmed....

  (@Benglorious)   Prediction:  m  (@tom_mcghee)   Prediction:  m (@bifurcated_utd) I can’t do words this week, so glad you guys have got my back. Prediction: 0-0 United.

With Huddersfield distracted by trying to figure out whether they were a Field or a Town, United notched up two goals in spite of their best attempts to miss them both like the heroes we deserve. Lols @ Sanchez Rooneying his penalty like a true Red Leg. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. The Last Jedi was a film I saw instead. 2. M8 don’t get me started Snoke was a good character imho lol....

  (@Benglorious) I’m taking instagam pictures of my bathroom taps and fixing a water pipe on to my dog’s face. Prediction: Irreverent reference to lots of goals with a 0-0 United punchline. m  (@tom_mcghee) I’m bench pressing wacky baccy at The Plumbing Centre. Film Review (10BC) 10 out of 10. That aside, pretty good. Prediction: Names of people who don’t even play football, doing things unrelated to football with a 44-76 United punchline. m (@bifurcated_utd) A...

<—- Match Summary. Here’s 5 things we learned from the “match”: 1. Fuck off. 2. Some fans think Jose is more to blame than Phil Jones for Phil Jones’ og. It has kept me awake at nights. 3. Weird when we win we’re still shit but any time anyone beats us we’re the best scalp ever. Paradox. I concur. 4. Fuck Spurs imho. 5. From my viewpoint I can’t get a clean shot on the...

  (@Benglorious) Tonight is when we see if Sanchez is worth paying more than a BBC presenter. Can the True Blue Gunner Gooner use his mighty Arsenal heart to vanquish the mighty Carmon Youspurs? This reporter says dunno. Prediction: Sanchez to surpass all expectations by simply not being Armenian. 0-0 United. m  (@tom_mcghee) Was so distracted by classic deadline day antics I legit forgot we were playing – Barclay’s, you’ve done it again!! (This is...

The backdrop to the main event of Martin Keown’s co-commentary was a match played between two teams miles apart. 220.1 miles according to Google, if you travel via the M5 and M6. 269.1 miles via the A303. The train-line, though more direct, takes a little longer as has to take into account stations along the way. Which is something that travelling by car never does. Are we supposed to piss our pants just so we...

(@Benglorious) I was going to do a Sanchez acrostic or even one of those amazing song things but I didn’t think he’d be in the squad for tonight’s game, so I didn’t do either of those things. True story. Prediction: Sanchez to get turned into a pickle by his Grandpa. “Rocking All Yeovil The World” to be the biggest-selling FA Cup song of all time. 0-0 United. m  (@tom_mcghee) We all love to laugh –...