FAC: United 4 – 0 Reading
In years from now you’ll be able to tell your grandkids, “I was there!!” A goalscoring feat that we’ll be talking about for generations to come. Cementing one of United’s GOAT’s Hammerlegend status. One of those goalden moments… January 7th, 2017: Marcus Rashford with YET ANOTHER one-yard smash. Nothing else of note happened. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Rashford is gud. 2. Reading is bad. 3. Rooney has scored a lot of goals...
FAC: United vs. Reading
(@Benglorious) AND LEEDS m festival m Prediction: Benno to outsmart those chumps who thought they’d taken all the reading jokes. 0-0 United. (@tom_mcghee) Manchester United Vs Reading is the very last thing we should be encouraging; reading is essential to humanity’s education and future – for us to just attack the concept is both immoral and unethical. Reading – a brief history According to noted essayist Alberto Manguel, reading has a quirky and passionate...
West Ham 0 – 2 United
Long lost brother (Another) guvner’s chicken curry (victory) Cor blimey (for) old taming of (the) twice fortnightly (mighty) double beds (Reds) white picket fenced (against) door (the) horses stable (lovable) Cockernee (cockney) Round-o’-darts (counterparts) Jean-Claude Van Dammers (West Ham). Donkey’s tears (Here’s) a mambo (five) queens and kings (things) me ol’ china (we) jury burned (learned) cor blimey (in) Knees down (defeating) any ol’ Iron (any old iron): 1. They only had 10...
United 2 – 1 Middlesborough
Middlesborough offered little resilience as the Red and White and a Little Bit of Black and a Little Bit Less of Yellowy Gold Army’s 2016/2017 express train to Titletown pulled into Old Trafford Station, like a train made of goals. Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East were left without a seat in the first class carriage, cos Martial and Pogba had reserved them for themselves, and...
West Ham vs. United
(@Benglorious) It’s always great playing West Ham, especially fifteen times in three weeks. Sometimes we even beat them. Except when Blackburn won the league that one time. Ask your dad. Or Paul. Whichever one actually remembers. Paul. Prediction: Rooney to score from anywhere up to 70 yards away but only if he plays. Martial to do a madness and Zlatan to kick the ref’s face off. The goal stands. 0-0 United. (@tom_mcghee) I...
United vs. Middlesborough
(@Benglorious) Christmas was good because Brett didn’t try and force any of his lyrics on me. In unrelated news, I’m out of lyrics. Prediction: Middlesbra used to have Ravanelli playing up front. Rava-fucking-nelli. Ask your dad. Or Paul, whichever is oldest. Paul. Happy New Year or whatever. 0-0 United. (@tom_mcghee) Not writing words because I legit hate you two and our audience (Paul). Also Middlesborough are for tools. Prediction: Who/when are we playing?...
United 3 – 1 Sunderland
As predicted, if Benno used Brett’s lyrics then world famousness would come a-knocking … and now Benno is the world famousest for being a ‘Tollesbury Gamer’ who played a computer games a month ago or something. Idgi. Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies: 1. Winning is good. 2. Losing is bad. 3. Moyes is bad. 4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser. 5. PROFIT!!!! 6. Did...
United vs. Sunderland
(@Benglorious) Happy Christmas, Brett. Hope you fucking choke on your lyrics. Prediction: Brett to choke on his lyrics. Moyes to get booed. Nobody cheers. Rojo penalised. 0-0 United. (@tom_mcghee) ‘Why food poisoning can kill creativity’ – an essay by Tom McGhee I first suspected I was sick when I was violently sick. My suspicions were confirmed when I carried on being sick for hours, then days. Was it not Proust who said: ‘He...