It was literally, metaphorically, and literally raining Premier League goals at Ol’ T at the weekend, as not one but two drops condensed from the dark clouds of the previous baron years. Even more exciting was the sight of Captain Evaporation being subbed off; 3 years after old father time had held up the metaphorical, literal, and metaphorical fourth official’s electronic subs board.   Hey! I just thought of an a joke: Why did all...

   Benno (@Benglorious) In a classic case of life imitating darts, Brett hasn’t written his thing yet so I can’t steal any of his stuff. To make matters even more like that thing I said in the first sentence, Tom hasn’t written anything since the incident so there’s no chance of me even poncing one tiny joke out of his lifeless body (note to self: google how to tell when meat has gone bad). I’ve...

Yadda blah etc…   Here’s 5 things we learned: d) Even if you hate something with an unbridled passion, it will sometimes score an unmarked header from 5 yards out.  

 Benno (@Benglorious) Rather cleverly, Brett has put a video in his bit that won’t play on my computer so I can’t ruin/steal his joke. This makes me think he’s got an adult to help him which is clearly against the rules that I just thought of. I also can’t ruin/steal Tom’s jokes because I have to ghostwrite his like some sort of writing ghost. How do ghosts even write if they can’t touch anything? Maybe...

Crystal Palace matched us at what we do best … which is testament to Vangle’s genius. If we can get every team to match us, and end every game nil all, until the end of the season, we’ll have at least enough points to start a point business. As the point business expands over the years, we’ll be able to trade and buy points on the a market. By 2083 we’ll be investing points back...

   Benno (@Benglorious) Has he done the Wayne RoooOOOoooOOO000oney gag? Shit. What about the Marrying Formaldahyde one? What are the odds, eh? David Moyes, now that was scary.   m Opposition summary: Crystal Palace are the best team in the Premiership League with a house in their name. Unless you count Aston Villa, but nobody does. Prediction: A goal for us scored early by one of us would be good. If it was scored by them for...

With Halloween just around the corner, we’re giving this analysis an egg theme… An egg each took the match into Added Egg Time and then eggsactly what happened next has been destroyed in the fire. No doubt, Capper Roo set the eggsample, and Michael ‘The Michael Carrick’ Carrick, and Ashley ‘The Elder’ Young did the rest.   . Here’s 5 eggs we learned: 1) Rooney is bad. 2) People like tinned peas (and eggs). 3)...

 Benno (@Benglorious) Eating my dinner while I’m “writing” because apparently I have more important things in my life than this shambolic website. Only joking. Not the dinner part – I’ve just dropped some mince on thr kweybnoardf. m Opposition summary: Middlesborough should be better than my last joke, but you (me) haven’t seen them since the heady days of Fabrizio Ravanelli, Juninho and Andy Townsend – Yes, he was a footballer before he became a...

You knighted and Setee showed off their Champions League crudities, by playing out a tactical conundrum that had Richard Whiteley duhduh-duhduh-duhduhduhduh-dooooooooooo-ing in his grave, wishing he could die twice. Too soon. This is Paul. The focus of all the post match talkings and questions has been Ledgernd Roondog: How many legs does he need? Can you slice my eyes out of my face so I don’t have to watch Rooney anymore, please? Would you bake or...

    Benno (@Benglorious) Imagine if we’d got Mourinho instead of Moyes. Got that? Now imagine a giraffe, but with wheels and Quentin Tarantino’s face. Still with me? Now imagine a building so vast that it has its own capital city. What’s the name of that city? Nobody knows. I’ve forgotten my point. m Opposition summary: Manchester City are the best team in Manchester that we hate a little bit. Prediction: So many goals up in this place...

Mar Seal used his head, shoulders, knees and toes, apart from his shoulders and toes and with a bit of one of his hands to influence the game at both ends, like in the Lighthouse Family’s remix of the classic song from 80s birthday parties. If you didn’t know we were Maverick writerers, you’d think we make this up as we punch the keybaord. Points are good in Europe. This is a good point. I...