Blah blah blah Mourinho at Chelsea! Blah blah blah Mourinho at United! Blah blah blah Mourinho at Chelsea? Blah blah blah Mourinho at United? I wish I could read more about this, but my eyes are full of all the interesting opinions and statistics. Like he said himself, he’s ‘not 99% United and 1% Chelsea’. Or maybe he was paraphrased. Or maybe just misquoted. Idk. Am I Billy Factchecker? Jose 4nili0 more like. You can...

Wayne “Roondawg, Skipperdy-Skip-Skip, Capper-Roo” Rooney returned to the first team and inspired a resounding victory against one of Europe’s averagest teams, who could make Dundee United look like 1990’s Ajax. And made everyone look relatively great again, in a competition that defies context, meaning, or worth. Great times. Paul Pogba, the second best of all the Pauls we know, out of the two we know, did two priceless goals, priced at 43 million Euro each....

 (@Benglorious) Chelsea have been promising for years to make tomorrow blue, but then they also enjoy tickling bums with celery. Why these two things are mutually exclusive, only scientists know. Not just any old-geezer-teaching-chemistry-in-an-Essex-secondary-school-who-got-handsy-that-time-after-school-when-he-was-demonstrating-the-various-properties-of-alkali-metals scientist, I’m talking real scientists, such as professors Cox, Hawking and Green. I’ve forgotten my point.   Prediction: Chelsea to hopefully provide a sterner test for United than Fenerbahce did, as we all don’t want to have to sit through another...

 (@Benglorious) Spent all day looking for a fucking drawing of Van Persie that some prick drew, only for the other prick, Bret to come along and steal all the picture-finding glory because he had it locked away in his own personal wankbank. I still have no idea why he even needs a picture of Robin – he left United ages ago, get the fuck over it already. THEN I had to format the preview because the...

After all the pre-match hype, and all the talking up of the game before it happened, and all the big build up, Liverpool got the 0-0 thrashing they deserved. Paul Pogba once again proved tha haterz have some valid points with regards to his relative value. Ander Herethereandeverywhera more like.     Here’s 5 thingzies we learntalot: 1) Wish we could clone Rashford. 2) Wish we could do opposite to Rooney. 3) Herrera is twice...

 (@Benglorious) So glad we’ve got an easy game after the taxing international break. Statistics show that Liverpool are better than United at some things and worse than them at other things. The same statistics show that United are better than Liverpool at some things but worse than them at other things. Different statistics show that Liverpool are neither better nor worse than United at some things, yet those same statistics, that are not the original statistics...

24 shots and one score. Not sure why people are disappointed. Sounds like a great party. Agent Hobo Chicken Fingerer Welsh Pirlo gave our boys one hell of a gingham pressing today. And as Sparky Marky Mark Hughesy Hughes said, it was totally utterly and thoroughly deserved. So it must be true. Cos he’s as honest as his balls are long. None of us watched it. Hope that doesn’t ruin Benno’s regular a joke clearly...

m  B&Q nominated for best dream about a talking raptor on a plane (@Benglorious) Stoke are 19th in the league, so they’re not the worst. United aren’t 1st in the league, so they’re not the best. Should be a good game. Unless it’s bad. What am I, preview guy? Anyway, I’m away all weekend leaving those two nuggets in charge, so I’ll apologise now for all the ‘we were hacked’ tweets. Prediction: Pogba to boss the...