EL: United 1 – 0 Zorya
If only we’d known over the past ten years, that, every terrible first touch, Hollywood ball into the stands, attempted chip, shin, face plant, frustrated arms in the air, hair transplant, contract dispute, sex with grannys, misplaced 3-yard pass, misplaced 4-yard pass, misplaced 5-yard pass, misplaced 6-yard pass, misplaced 7-yard pass etc … was a freakin’ awesome assist, then it would be Rooney’s team mates we would be wanting to midsomer murder most horribly she...
EL: United vs. Zorya
ICBM-nominated for beating Brett at Stratego (@Benglorious) Zorya is not a thing. Even though I’ve now heard of it, it’s still not a thing. Apropos of almost nothing (the Bifurcated motto), here’s some things that start with ‘z’ that actually are things: Zebra (shit horse) Zombie (shit person) Zodiac (shit goats and shit) Zelda (shit little boy dressed like a shit pixie) Xena (shit warrior princess who can’t spell) United should be able to beat...
United 4 – 1 Leicester
Four one that was a good result BOOOM!!! As in ‘for me’. Cos the score was four goals to one. Tonight we’re gonna review like it’s 2-2-2-2012 on Twitter. Hold up it is!! Big Willy style innit. Not for you Mcghee. Football??!! Bloody hell!!! That’s mine. Last week we were all crying into our pot noodles and beating our loved ones with a rolling pin. And this week we’re making merry and beating our loved...
United vs. Leicester
m FLC Nominated for crimes against fun/lols (@Benglorious) Losttheirlustre City is the kind of joke you should always start with. Secondly, you should say something about Red Leicester even though they play in blue. Needs workshopping, that one. I’ll see if Brett manages to punch it up and then just steal it. Coming off the back of the Northampton game is something you’d normally get arrested for, but not these pampered millionaires. Classic double standards in...
LC: Northampton 1 – 3 United
Lashitinfromayradfromgoallikehthehammerlegendyourareford more like. In other news: Skipper Roo finally silenced his critics with a display of such wanting-to-chainsaw-your-eyes-out-with-a-chainsaw-made-from-barbed-wire-so-you-can-never-suffer-watching-him-play-football-again depths. We all killed ourselves irl and that’s why we are silent, is the a joke. I’m writing this from beyond the grave. Tell my mum to feed the cat. And not the oily tuna. It plays havoc with her thyroid. Is another joke. I don’t even have a cat. Just riffing on the a joke super...
LC: Northampton vs. United
m FBA-Nominated Maverick (@Benglorious) The last time we played Northampton we actually had good players who were proven goalscorers for United – Diego Forlan and Mikaël Silvestre both netted that day. Those were the good times. Nowadays, we’re not even sure we can beat a team that is five hundred places below us in the league even though we’ve literally spent all the money on all the players and all the managers. Glory Glory Man United....
Watford 3 – 1 United
In a classic case of life imitating art – THAT’S RIGHT!!! WE ARE ART FUCKOS!! – Exactly what us said was gonna happen, actually went and happened, apart from the bit that happened at the end, that we didn’t say would happen exactly. After wrapping up the EPL against Southampton, we have now had our title stripped from us, after the consortium invoked the three strike rule. Knew they ruddy would. Here’s 5 things us...
Watford vs. United
FBA-Nominated Troll Benno (@Benglorious) Elton John Barnes used to play for Watford back in the 8o’s. He left the club in 1987 for places unknown, and this coincided with the Hornets’ eventual fall from top flight football. Luckily for the fans, Watford have got to their thirst fast and are holding and giving but doing it at the right time. They can be slow or fast but they must get to the line. They’ll always hit you and...