It was abrazos all round but not for Juan Mata, as he proved Mourinho and all the haterz absolutely right by single-handedly destroying all our dreams and ambitions and lives and relationships and worlds and futures and pasts and presents and historys and dreams within two first half-minutes of sheer and unadulterated and crazy and x-rated and madness of the higher than highest order but higher.   Here’s 5 things we picked ourselves up...

 Benno (@Benglorious) Fifteen wins in a row has put us right back in contention to win some trophy or other that we weren’t in contention to win at some previous point in history. Seriously though, there can’t be too many games left, can there? Christ, I hope not. I can’t take much more of this. Opposition Summary: West Brom are down and to the left of Northampton, directly across from East Fife, slightly to the left...

BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! WE’RE GONNA DO A TREBLE!!!! Here’s 5 things we learned about this game/life: i) If you watch the first half and it’s bad actually bad but then have to go out and come home to find it’s 1-0, it’s loads funnier. B) Watford’s mistake was missing all their chances. appendix) Streams are good except when they aren’t. spleen) All those duff free-kicks were just sharking our opponents. Lucky we saved if for mighty Watford....

n n  Benno (@Benglorious) Henry? Jane? Focus? Mondeo? All potential answers to the ultimate question: Watford? *pause for laugh* Thanks, pretty proud of that one. Opposition Summary: Watford play in a vicarage so they always look forward to their away games where they can play on a full-size pitch and their fans can drink something other than tea with a side of scones and a large helping of god. Their shirts are yellow, like Norwich’s, but with...

MEMPHIS FULL STOP RASHFORD IN BRACKETS. Here’s the 5 things thing: 1) Beating goonsquad is always great (I re-learnt this). 2) I’ve worked out numbers. 3) Mata and Herrera and Memphis are good at football. 4) Marcus Rashford is a hammerlegend. 18) Would happily miss every match if it meant winning them all. 21) No I wouldn’t. 22) That’s just selfish tbqfhwy.

 Benno (@Benglorious) Two of Her Majesty’s finest successive wins have seen us reach the heady heights of wherever we are right now in the league and/or cup competition. We haven’t seen optimism like this since we battered mighty Stoke all those days ago. Look out, all the other teams who play football – United are coming! Opposition Summary: Arsenal are actually quite good but we don’t tell them that because it’s more fun to mess with...

Suck on your disappointment haterzzz!!! Bangle’s voyz are so back, they’re practically made of backs!! Rashford is so hot right now: cooking bacon. Back bacon, cos of the back thing earlier. And all the other players are serving up some back bacon too, just a little bit less cooked, cos he’s the Head Chef in this kitchen and they are like the Sous Chefs, or Pastry, or Prep. We’re gonna need some indigestion tablets on...

Someone is going to have to spend the next few years stitching Shrewsbury Town a new goal hole, after Vangle’s Army went absolutely averageish, and ripped them a new one. Actually, they ripped them a new one, so someone should stop stitching a another new one, especially with the payroll capping and demands of these eco-friendly days of bad bank money. Grrrr, The Man, hey?! All the goals were either bad, or wrong, or not....

 Benno (@Benglorious) United will be looking to continue their fine run of form from the ’98/99 season and kickstart their run to this year’s FA Cup final with a convincing victory over Shrewsbury Town. The League One side know they can’t offer the glamour of a Champions League tie against Juventus, but the mayor of Shrewsbury, Miles Kenny, is confident that the Shrews will not hold back against their legendary opponents: “It is not a question of...

Good injuries, injuries. Here’s 5 things we learned and already shared via Twitters, like mavericks from the good old day of yesterillium*: *Warning: These opinions are contagious, as in they took some contagious to come up with them.    

A goal created by a golden eagle, made of futuristic dreams from the future dreams factory in the future, in the corridors of the pantheon of universal aplombness, and delivered to football via the conduit of Anthony Martial leg and foot bit, is the only thing I remember from this game. That aside, pretty good. Here’s 5 things we learned innit: 1) I learnt nothing. 2) I learnt less. 3) No. If anything I unlearned...