m  Benno (@Benglorious) “We’re not evolving. We’re not going anywhere.”   Prediction: Ashes to Ashes. 0-0 United.    Tom (@tom_mcghee) “We can beat them, just for one day.” Prediction: Hallo Spaceboy. 0-0 United.   .  Brett(@workagaininnit) “I don’t know where we’re going from here, but I promise it will be boring.” That’s funny co Prediction: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes: 0-0 United.

Heard Vangle’s philosophy involves beating all the goals out of the players at half time using a limp effigy of Bebe, naked, crafted from Falcao’s unwashed gussets, left in lost property. Why he left just the gussets I do not know. My source suspects the rest of the underpant material is being used for something potentially more arousing sadistic. Anyway, it’s getting hot in herre … here’s 5 things we learned: é) If you don’t...

m  Benno (@Benglorious) “THERE’S ONLY ONE UNITED!!” goes the famous terrace chant, and today the FA Cup proves that football fans are idiots and liars. Things that the FA Cup is yet to prove include: Magic, giants (killed or not) and cup fever. I think we can all agree that the FA Cup has 24 hours to get results or it will be back walking the beat faster than it can blink. I’ve forgotten my point. n...

The old reliable shin came to the rescue again as Louis Vangle’s Calmy marched into 2016 with a battle cry loud enough to be heard. Roondo’s goooooooooooooalaaaaaaazo goal goal goal goal goal goal goal goal was only the second outing for the magic shin since records began, and propelled the absolute Leg.end to second in the all time biggest wastes of talent in all of our lifetimes combined to the power of time.    ...

m  Benno (@Benglorious) I like Swansea. The football team, not the godforsaken scumtown. Vangle doesn’t. The football team, that is. I have no idea what he thinks of Swansea because he keeps his town reviews locked away in a special cabinet along with all our goals AMIRITE LADS?!?!?!? I’ve never been to Swansea. I’ve been to Stevenage and that was pretty bad, so Swansea must be worse. I’ve forgotten my poiBRETT STOP STEALING MY JOKES BUT KEEP...

David Moyes must be turning in his shallow grave. At least that would explain why the top soil is moving. Which one of us decided burying him alive was the best idea? How was I to know his skin was fire-retardant? Thank god I had the genius idea to remove his teeth. And that £2.80 from the tooth fairy can go towards the french polishers after the staff Christmas party. Who got these drugs ffs?...

Us can’t even remember if this was 2-1 or 2-0 tbh. Luckily no one keeps score. That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the new series of Lewis: A crime drama based on Inspector Morse’s dealings with the contractors from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, who fitted...

     Benno (@Benglorious) All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point. Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. Rooney to be re-BOURNEmouth as the passionate goal machine who used to be able to get the whole country on...

   Benno (@Benglorious) It’s Christmas. Can’t believe our ruddy brave heroic footballers are actually playing football instead of watching Simpsons repeats or pretending to love their families. Prediction: Vangle to slam those h8trz with goals and points. Three of each is exactly what Dr Nick ordered. Hi, everybody! 0-0 United.     Tom (@tom_mcghee) SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS although if you haven’t seen it by now thats your own damn fault SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS.  Like me, most...

At least we’re now seeing more goals than a tin of Scholes. Though we’re scoring less goals than a tin of Roondogs from Aldi. With less defence than a french garden without a fence. And seeing more useless passes than an event that gives out free passes that no-one actually wants to attend. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1) I like Norwich’s kit. 2) I don’t like Kylo Ren 3) Cameron Jerome is an equilateral...

 Benno (@Benglorious) I just really really want to see the Paul’s House Christmas special that Brett did the puppets for..! Pllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeee! Prediction: 23,000 views.    Tom (@tom_mcghee) MEEEEEE TOO! Can you post it on your bit Brett? Pleeeeeeaaaasssseeeeeeeeee! Prediction:  Pretty pleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeee! .  Brett(@onement) Tbh out of respect for your two’s craft, I was going to keep the two seperate … but as you’re so bothered… Prediction: