United 1 – 0 Leicester
Did. Not. See. That. Coming. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Hawkeye’s storyline in Endgame was bit pointless for me, Clive 2. I was very disappointed with the win a defeat or loss would’ve suited all my tweets before the game that’s the most important thing 3. We all laughed when Hanna called him ‘Hawkeyes’ but it actually makes more sense doubtful he would have just one hawk eye imho 4. Still can’t forgive her...
Southampton 1 – 1 United
Wise men will look at United’s indifferent start to the campaign and say “a season is a marathon, not a sprint”. Idiots. That’s athletics. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Ole said we can’t control results or outcomes. Someone should explain to him what the manager’s job is imho. 2. Was hoping Paul Pogba might decide it’s not so bad and be good. Damn my foolish hopes. 3. They have a player called Hojbjerg...
Southampton vs. United
(@Benglorious) I’d already given up by the time I got home from work last Friday, and this was only the third match. Saturday came, but I was not invested. At about 5 o’clock, habit, that relentless masochist, had me checking the score. Interesting enough to raise an eyebrow, but not interesting enough to chip away the ever more predictable ennui that had settled over my entire body like grave dirt. Sunday was a new...
United 1 – 2 Crystal Palace
We need to score more goals than the other team imho. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Nothing.
United vs. Crystal Palace
(@Benglorious) We’re back, baby, like shit trainers and herpes. This time things will be different, though. Taking a leaf from the Athletic’s journalistic model means we now have writers at the top of their game, articles with fancy words (like herpes) that will be professionally researched, and also the most cutting-edge, up-to-date news anywhere. Prediction: United 4-0 Chelsea M (@tom_mcghee) We are so new and cutting edge and professionally researched now it’s like we’re an...
Wolves 1 – 1 United
AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDD NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US etc. Here’s the second load of 5 things we have already learned this season: 1. Crispy chilli beef is overrated. 2. Agreed. I’m not sure it’s even beef. Twiglets in a different sauce imho 3. Not that bad imho. Lost there twice last season did’t lose last night. Progress. Which is important. Apparently (I’ve never made any so unsure) 4. Just watched the goals. I’ve seen better 5....
Wolves vs. United
(@Benglorious) Prediction: Not gonna do one. Look at the other two’s… M (@tom_mcghee) Prediction: Not gonna do one. Look at the other two’s… (@bifurcated_utd) Prediction: Not gonna do one. Look at the other twos…
United 4 – 0 Chelsea
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD NOW YOU’RE GONNA etc Look, it’s the first 5 things learned of the season: 1. I liked how that kid scored a massive deflection and now he’s the new Ryan Giggs 2. How come Gary Neville doesn’t know how to use punctuation? 3. I watched it when I got home and it was not the same as twitter described it those guys need to be better at describing and also happier imho 4. Bit...
United 0 – 2 Cardiff
Thank. Fuck. Here’s the final 5 things we learned from the season that taught us so much without teaching us anything we didn’t already know, or want to know or want to learn about knowing about: 1. Bad luck, Liverpool. 2. I’d rather have no chance of winning the league from the start than have all my hopes and dreams crushed on the final day of the season by Sergio Aguero 3. Wait… 4. It’s...
United vs. Cardiff
(@Benglorious) At least when this game is over we can look forward to not hearing about United until next season. Not one single word about how bad the players have been. Nothing about how our rivals have surpassed us easily. Nothing about potential transfers, both in and out. It’s going to be glorious. Prediction: Goals for Lukaku, Sanchez, Young, Smalling and Young again. Why not? 0-0 United. M (@tom_mcghee) To paraphrase Shakespeare, ‘now is the...