(@Benglorious)

I haven’t been this excited about a former United legend becoming our manager since 2015 when I took us through 5 unbeaten seasons in all competitions on PES 2016. Now I’m not saying Ole has a lot to live up to, but I was also playing, captaining, and taking home the golden boot every season with an average of 73 goals. Anything less than this level of success and I think we can all agree that Mr Gunnar Solskjaer need not even unpack.

Prediction: So much goals. Too good footballs. Many player joys. Fan response thumb ups. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t even know who this jolly Johnny soldier guy is but he sounds suspiciously Brexit to me. Which I hate.

Mysterious Island (1961)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (it’s good tbf).

Journey to the Centre of the Earth (1959)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (its good tbf). I watched both films in the same afternoon if this helps explain the James Mason thing.

Prediction: Someone to remember when Motson pronounced it Sol-Schka-ra wait i just did this i am a soothsaying genius. 2-1 United so as to show improvement but not so good as to abso confirm everyone’s been taking the piss.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I never never never never never never never never never never never never ever thought we would see the day when the infamous Norwegian Anti-American-corporate-pop Duo Oleg ‘n’ Arsehole Cher would be sexting with Fergie for tips on how to fit 11 men into 1.

Prediction: Captain Fellaini to equalise in the 89th minute. o-o United.

Keane and Vieira, Keown and Van Nistelrooy, Wright and Schmeichel, Wenger and Fergie, Wenger and Mourinho, Wenger and Dugout, 8 and 2, Title and Winning at Old Trafford, we gave your boys one hell of a drawing.

Here’s 5 things we learned from the latest war, in this war to end all wars in wardom:

1. Despite the result – perhaps the greatest injustice since Greedo shooting first – that was the best overall team performance this season. This is Paul, @ him if you disagree.

2. Herrera and Mata are like unicorns crossed with Jesus.

3. Tony V is the world’s greatest RB.

4. Giroud proper dyes his beard and has terrible taste in hats.

5. If we don’t score more goals than the other team then it is almost impossible to win.

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. Not surprised the unicorns were cross with Jesus tbh.

 (@Benglorious)

Spent all day looking for a fucking drawing of Van Persie that some prick drew, only for the other prick, Bret to come along and steal all the picture-finding glory because he had it locked away in his own personal wankbank. I still have no idea why he even needs a picture of Robin – he left United ages ago, get the fuck over it already. THEN I had to format the preview because the first prick wrote his preview before us for the first time in three seasons and still has no idea how to format the preview. Or find a picture. Or know what iCloud is. Or how to wear a shirt. He does know how to lift heavy things, though, so there is that. (Note: Names have been removed to protect identities. Except Brett’s.)

Prediction: United to show everyone just how much they really, really, really, really, truthfully, really, honestly, really, really, really, really take the Europa League seriously by really, really, actually, really trying to win. Or not. Who really, really, actually cares? How many words is that? 5-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

How the fuck am I meant to write owt if it’s not formatted yet? Vote for me as Young blogger of the year at the FBAs!

Fenerbahce are a team from Turkey. How on earth did a large walking bird and a nation get the same name? (genuine question lads, answers on a postcard to ‘Why Don’t You, P O Box whatevs’, lol only 70s, 80s and 90s kids will get this) That aside, nothing funny about them. They’re probably doing ok at football but it’s Europa so its very hard to care. Think their striker might’ve played for us once but I haven’t seen much written about it. I drew a picture of him.

Interstellar (2014)

Earth is dying of dust so Michael Caine stops being a butler and becomes NASA and concocts a plan with a secret plan inside of it; send some sciencers through a wormhole led by an all American hero who has retired on a farm.

When in space it all gets a bit maths (although nice try Ridley Scott, seems pretty fucking obvious where you got the idea for The Martian. Don’t write in saying it was a book first, it just wasn’t), culminating in a morass of 5-dimensional space, tesseracts and gravitational telephony. All of which I well got. The robots are cool and quote HAL at you for jokes. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Bored for long periods, Wayne to emulate Messi by being investigated for Tax avoidance. 3-2 United, RVP getting the winner in a breathtaking show of solidarity.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Today, I’m feeling particularly nostalgic: thinking back to the great times, the happier times, a time of hope. Reminiscing on what would have been, what could have been, and what should have been. The last words of a fool. As Beverly Knight MBE once famously penned…

Yeah, trying to find that biro masterpiece for Chief Clownshoes, up there, made me remember the halcyon days before those two parasitic towels turned this once promising, award-nominated website, into, well, this.

Did you think I was talking about the football?! And the return of Johnny Van PersonaltermshavebeenagreedanditsashitloadofmoneysofuckyourfamilyinthefaceimoffthelasttwoseasonsmeantnothingtomeitwasallformyownselfinterestandihadmyfingerscrossedwhenIwashuggingfergiesoitdoesntcount?! It’s the Europal Cup. Literally, no-one gives even a third of a fuck.

Prediction: Long for bored periods, Messi to emulate Wayne by being investigated for hair avoidance. 0-0 United, RVP doing a solid. Not a favour. A shit. On the pitch. Cos Dutch innit.

Thought for the Day: Games against Everton are like games against Everton: you always know what you’re gonna get. Beat.

You have to feel for Rooney. Probably. On the very same day that video of him getting knocked out by Phil Bardsley is leaked on to the internet, he scores a goal in front of a packed Old Trafford, and is instantly confronted by a ghost, who offers him out, and knocks him out again! What are the chances?!

FFS WHERE IS THE MANCHESTER UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB I KNOW AND LOVE? I’M NOT SURE VANGLE HAS A PLAN AT ALL. HE’S HAD MONTHS TO GET HIS PHILOSOPHY ACROSS. WE SHOULD HAVE GOT RID OF ROONEY WHEN HE DISRESPECTED OUR GREAT CLUB! FELLAINI IS A JOKE! TONY V IS A DISGRACE TO THE SHIRT! WE’LL BE LUCKY TO GET A EUROPA LEAGUE SPOT! FERGIE WOULDN’T LET THIS HAPPEN! MOYES’ RECORD WAS PRACTICALLY THE SAME!

*OMG! THE MANCHESTER UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB I KNOW AND LOVE ARE BACK. VANGLE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! THE PLAYERS ARE FINALLY GETTING HIS PHILOSOPHY! I LOVE ROONEY MILLIONS! FELLAINI ACTUALLY DOES A JOB! THINK I SAW TONY V CRACK A SMILE! SECOND PLACE HERE WE COME! FERG WHO? MOYES LOL!

Thought for the day: You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

If the Universe was truly balanced then RVN would jump up behind Martin Keown like an evil clown on acid every time he opened his mouth. Next time he’s on Match of the Day, I’ll be putting my foot through the telly and sending Gary Crisps the etc…

This match played out like the Hallmark greetings card we deserved: reminding us that sometimes it’s not the big Ings, but the Smallings that count.

I can’t remember us playing this consistently terribly, whilst still winning games, and also remaining in the top four, since Fergs. And Vangle is doing it without Robin Van Legsonroids. Totes Vangle >>> Fergs innit.

If only someone would have noticed Burnley were playing in a silver kit we could have all had a right good laugh about it on Twitter.

Today is apparently the 4th anniversary of RooRoo’s goal against City. Imagine if the only thing you’d achieved in the past four years of your career was a goal with your shin?

You can read the rest of my thoughts on the game at SportWalrus.co.uk

Thought for the Day: When life gives you lemons, stick them in defence.

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Bobbins:  A Tale of Trying

King Alexander had ruled Traffordonia for nearly thirty years.  He was much respected by his enemies and beloved by his people because during his reign the kingdom had flourished, and was the envy of the whole world.  Alexander knew that his time as king was coming to an end and, with no heirs, had been thinking long and hard about who should replace him upon his retirement.  After he’d announced that he would be giving up the throne, all the kingdom was rife with speculation as to who the new king would be.  A lot of Alexander’s loyal subjects agreed that Joséph of the White Royal family would be ideal, but others pointed to his arrogance and the fact that he had previously been at war with Traffordonia as general of the humourless Chelsians.

Others pointed across the sea at Dortmundana, where the canny Jürgen had led his people through a triumphant uprising against their sworn enemies, the Bayernets.  Jürgen admitted to being flattered at all the interest in him succeeding King Alexander, but his unwavering loyalty to his people would prevent him from leaving them to accept the crown.

In the end, it was a man called David whom King Alexander summoned to his palace one afternoon to bestow the kingdom of Traffordonia upon him.  David was the mayor of a place called Toffeetown.  Toffeetown was a nice place to live, even though it wasn’t the town it used to be.  The people loved David, and he them.  Under his rule, Toffeetown was neither a success nor a failure and the community accepted this period of benevolence with their natural good humour.

Alexander told his people that David was the man he had chosen to succeed him, and that they should love and obey David as they loved and obeyed their current king.  David was known to the kingdom, and was respected as a shrewd tactitian because of  the various skirmishes that had taken place between Toffeetown and Traffordonia.  There was no ill will towards Toffeetown despite this, as both sets of people had a common enemy: the evil Pudlians.  They were reviled due to their underhand tactics, lack of morals and the disgusting behaviour of their famous spearhead, Louis the Tooth.

David’s first act as king was to bring his fiercest warrior, Mary-Ann, from Toffeetown to bolster his troops.  Mary-Ann was a pillar of Toffetown’s army, as strong as a tree, but many wondered where this chesty warrior would fit in with the army Alexander had left behind.  All doubts were soon dispelled as David’s first battle ended with a treasure-filled victory over the Wigs, followed by an even more comfortable defeat of the Swans of the Sea.  The people relaxed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that Alexander had appointed a worthy successor, one who would maintain their proud traditions.

The Traffordonian’s evil rivals, the Pudlians, soon put the dampeners on the feeling of joy felt throughout the kingdom as they swept aside David’s men.  This was followed by yet another defeat, this time to the Blue Moon clan who lived just across the border.  Spirits were raised again for a short time after a rout against the Levers across the sea, but this was short-lived after back to back losses against Toffeetown and Magpie Castle, both coming on home territory.

A poor defeat to the Sons of Derland ruined the chance of capturing any silverware, and this was followed by an embarrassing loss to the Chelsians, led by none other than Joséph who had switched allegiances from the White Royals after being overlooked for the kingship.  Joséph must have felt some sympathy for David, as shortly afterwards he allowed one of his finest soldiers, John the Killer, to join the Traffordonian army.

This didn’t give the nation the fillip everyone was expecting.  A crushing loss to the wildmen of Stokington and a dour stalemate with the vampires of Craven Cottage preceded a toothless defeat to the lowly Olympians on David’s continental crusade.  Mutterings of his unworthiness for the crown were starting to be heard in various corners of the land, which started to gain volume and momentum after yet another defeat to the Pudlians.  Some of David’s subjects started to call publicly for his head, but he managed to keep the wolf from the door by masterminding a revenge victory over the Olympians to continue his crusade.

John the Killer rallied the troops to claim a decisive and much needed win over the Villains of Aston, but the next opponents would not be so easy to dominate.  The Bayernets had one of the strongest and fiercest armies in the world, and now they stood in David’s way.  A tense first battle saw no quarter given and both sides left with honour intact.  The second battle started well for the Traffordonians, with ageing stalwart Pat Everhard taking the fight to the Bayernets and catching them off-guard.  However, this only angered the Bayernets and they swiftly countered before sending David’s men home, their campaign finished.

Rumours of David’s removal as king were now being touted by even the most loyal of his subjects, and it came as no surprise that he was overthrown after his next defeat, ironically to the people who’d once loved him:  Toffeetown.  Ryan Broslayer was appointed as steward of Traffordonia until such time as a new king could be found to resurrect the crumbling kingdom and restore its former glories.

In light of Traffordonia’s failures under David’s rule, both the Pudlians and the Blue Moon clan were vying for control of the kingdom.  Both were longstanding rivals of Traffordonia but had been kept well subdued, for the most part, by Alexander’s dominance during his reign.  He’d actually claimed the kingdom from the Pudlians many, many years ago and had instilled in his subjects the need to never let the evil Pudlians rule again.  With this in mind, the Traffordonians were secretly supporting the Blue Moon clan in any way they could, barring treasonous acts.

For a long time it seemed that the Pudlians, marshalled by their talisman Stee-Gee, would be the ones to claim total victory.  This would lead to a repeat of the dark days, spoken of by elders in hushed tones.  However, calamity struck Stee-Gee on the battlefield as he slipped at a crucial moment, allowing the Chelsians to administer a telling defeat to the evil Pudlians, crushing their hopes and allowing the Blue Moon clan to swoop in and take the crown.  The Traffordians grudgingly accepted the lesser of two evils as their betters, and swore fealty to the Blue Moon clan as their rightful rulers for the coming year.

Ryan Broslayer’s tenure as steward came to an end after the Blue Moon clan’s ultimate victory.  The highly-decorated Louis Vangelis took over the reins in Ryan’s stead, but kept him on as his right-hand man.  What happened after that?  Well, that’s a story for another time.  However, Traffordonians know deep in their hearts that the day will come when it is they who will be ruling once more, the balance will be restored and all will be right with the world.

The End

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

So it’s all over; another roller-coaster ride of thrills and excitement, culminating in a ‘down to the last day’ scenario and one more title. Oh UNITED? Why didn’t you say….

Got to be honest, I’ve already repressed most of this season (expecting it to come back to me in senility and those lonely nights in the home circa 2040) and as such, the review is going to be somewhat slap-dash; for the regular readers (who am I kidding? ‘Reader’. And thanks Dad) I know this lack of professionalism will shock and dismay you but hey, if fellas earning £200000+ a week can do it…

August 2013: Sir Alex who? A 4-1 drubbing of Mighty Swansea and a 0-0 draw againts the all-consuming genius that is Mourinho?! Business as usual then lads.

N.B If we were Liverpool, we’d’ve started singing ‘We’re going to win the league’ about now.

September 2013: Little bit of a speed-bump September; alright we got hammered by City, but it wasn’t 6-1 and yes, we did also lose to Liverpool but these things happened in the Fergie era – it’s a team in transition! We beat Palace for chrissakes. The West Brom thing was probably just a one-off freak result. And just look at us go in Europe!

October 2013: See? Beating Sunderland and Stoke is nothing to be sniffed at (See also: draws against European heavy-hitters Shakhtar & Real Sociedad).

November 2013:  Victories against Fulham and league-leaders Arsenal put us right back in the hunt and Cardiff away is never easy. Megalolz at Fellaini in Europe – what a signing he’s turning out to be – but 5 against Leverkusen away is just the tonic we need. Now we’ll turn the corner.

December 2013: Four wins and a draw. Yes, defeats at home to both Everton and Newcastle do seem to be a negative but Dave is really trying and I’m sure we’re just not seeing his vision. Buy a gun just in case.

January 2014: Oh THAT Sir Alex. Sweet Jesus. Still, take that Wales. Oh wait. Beginning to think David isn’t the tactical super-genius we thought.

February 2014: Set new world record for number of crosses. Take this as a positive. And if you ignore the defeat to Stoke and the draw against Fulham, not a bad month – I mean, we drew with 4th place winners Arsenal. That Olympiakos thing was just West Brom all over again. Oil gun on daily basis now.

March 2014: Magnificent vengeance against the mighty West Brom, and we continue to lure Liverpool & City into thinking we’re not even trying to win the league and really stick it to Villa who, once again, are challenging for worst thing ever. What goes around comes around as Olympiakos get their just desserts at OT and we make the last eight.

April 2014: Get knocked out – comprehensively – by Bayern; I don’t think its hyperbole to say it was the biggest shock since sliced bread. However, now we’re rid of the tiresome distraction that is CL, starting to think Moyes is leaving it a bit late to make that final charge – mathematically, it seems impossible.  In other news, Moyes sacked. Hand my gun into police – won’t be needing it now. Relative unknown Ryan Giggs made interim boss, smiles all across the land.

May 2014: Prepared suicide note in event of Liverpool win. Turned it into party invite where Steven Gerrard’s slip is shown on continuous loop. Season ends with Vidic and Rio leaving (I knew Vidic was going when I saw him sign that Milan contract), hope ensuing vacuum sucks both Cleverley and Young to a parallel world where they aren’t subjected to constant ridicule. Seems unlikely. Louis Van Gaal touted as next boss but at the time of writing, no official confirmation. Thousands of Vines though. So that’s good.

Its quite probable that having read this review, you might’ve noticed some glaring omissions – there’s no mention of the league cup for instance – but this is because I don’t believe in it; either way, feel free to not bring any of them to my attention. Its also highly probable that if you started reading this, you possibly – and justifiably – gave up way before now. If so, you’ve gone up in my estimation.

About the author:

Invented Glass, starred in Miss Saigon for 24 consecutive years.

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Abhay (Ab5Y) :

The unholy has been avoided. Liverpool will go another season without adding to their eighteen league crowns. While this may bring some amount of solace to Man United fans (especially the ones of a certain vintage who have seen the Merseyside team truly dominate English football), it does scarce to ease the pain of a season which to date is the worst United have had to endure in the Premier League era.

What does ease the pain, however, is the tangible hope that the 2013/14 season will go down as a blip rather than a turning point in the history of Manchester United FC. Strong rumours of the impending arrival of Louis van Gaal mean that the fans, and a fair portion of the players (not least a certain horse placenta connoisseur) remain optimistic of returning to their rightful place at the helm of the league table in the coming season. Along with that, there is also the indication that United are keen on buying football players actually worthy of playing for Manchester United, especially in the center of midfield. This is certainly heartening news for those who aren’t entirely pleased with Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, Marouane Fellaini and the soon to be former Manchester United player/personal entertainer and jester to Alex Ferguson, Anderson.

If and when van Gaal takes charge of this Manchester United squad, one can expect a throwback to the heady days of 90s attacking and flair football. Old Trafford hasn’t seen such football, featuring gay abandonment, consistently since Vincent del Bosque’s Real Madrid were the victors in a clash between tactical astuteness and “tactical anarchy”. Since then, Sir Alex Ferguson became decidedly more possession minded in the way he set out his playing elevens. It was a transformation that was largely accepted whilst the trophies kept rolling in. But with two trophyless years since 2011, the return of attacking football in its purest essence will be a welcome sight for those making the trip down Sir Matt Busby Way.

If the hopes of the reported 600 million people worldwide, who claim to support “Man U”, are realized, the 2014/15 season could see Manchester United and Liverpool compete for the title. But unlike the last time it happened (2008/09), this time promises to be the start of rivalry that could last more than just one season.

For starters, there seems to be no danger of Brendan Rodgers going off on a rant about how van Gaal has, or will doubtless have, the FA in his pocket. For the main course, Rodgers also seems to be hell bent on not wanting to exchange his best players for Gareth Barry. For dessert, Rodgers is just a good manager through and through, and not a ‘flawed genius’.

With Chelsea under Jose Mourinho looking set to buy a world class striker in the summer, and Arsenal and Manchester City also almost certain to strengthen in order to build on their numerous positives this season, the fight for the league will be might tougher next season than it has been these past eight months. If Tottenham finally manage to find a manager capable of getting the best out of an expensively assembled squad, and Everton continue their rise under Roberto Martinez, even getting top four will be a sizable challenge.

Yet, barring City, none of the teams in the PL have the same quality in their squad that Manchester United already possess. But while City have a treasure trove of world class players to call upon whenever a need arises, Liverpool have something far more powerful: the call of destiny. Whether one believes in such a thing or not, it is undeniable that Liverpool supporters and a large proportion of their players know and understand the rich history of their club. There is an aura about Anfield, the Liver bird, the kop, the Shankly gates, and everything that goes with that club, that, though dimmed in the past two and a half decades, can still turn LFC into a fearsome and dominating trophy machine. Only Manchester United’s own history and traditions can compare, and hence only United can stop the mayhem that Liverpool will create under Rodgers now that they have tasted blood.

Brett:

I did one for ROM on Vidic and then ran out of

Ben (Benglorious):

The season was over for us long ago, so I still have no idea why I have to write these things.  It’s not like anything momentous has happened at Old Trafford this week……………………………………………………………..

HA!  You were expecting my phone to ring there, but the joke’s on you:  I’ve actually been keeping abreast of the football news this week.  For example: Alison Moyet got sacked as Everton manager on Tuesday and Diana Rigg is in the ring manager for the last four games, until they hire Jean-Claude van Damme as a permanent replacement.  It actually feels good to be so ITK for once.

Today, the Mustard Lickers are today’s visitors to our stadium building today for yet another of those game things they so love to play every week.  How many of these actual games there are in a season we’ll never know, but the vibe out there is that Delia Oliver’s boys are going to get a figurative spanking.  Where “there” is and what exactly a “vibe” is are two more things that sciencers have yet to discover, and I have no idea what a “spanking” is although just saying the word out loud has brought on a feeling of creepy dread that I just can’t shake off.

In lieu of my regular “players to watch out for” segment, I’ve included this infographical pictorial representation of Norwich’s “Greatest Ever Ex Eye” as voted for by their fans.  I came across this because I couldn’t think of any Norwich players to put in the aforementioned segment, and thought it was too funny to not share.  OOH!  Ruel Fox.  Watch out for him.

Prediction: New manager, new style.  Or back to the old style when we used to win things and stuff.  Giggsy has raised the expectations today and his team will not disappoint.  Expect fluidity, dynamism, pace, power, skill and a camaraderie amongst the players such as we’ve not seen since the heady days of the Fergie Dynasty all those eons ago.  Welbeck will zup zup his way through the wall of canaries to get us started; Rooney will bag the second by coolly slotting home from 127 yards; Mata will be the Spanish architect of our third and fourth goals, both scored by Janizzi, before scoring a goal of the season contender himself for our fifth goal.  With the game secure, Giggsy will then bring himself on to the most standingy ovation the world has ever seen, and a minute later he will weave and jink his way through all 24 of Norwich’s defenders to score a goal of such beauty and grace that the board will have no choice but to give him the manager’s job full time, or face the prospect of every team in England refusing to play until they do.  Yeah, the goal’s going to be THAT good.  1-0 Norwich.

No free stuff this week due to Mum being upset that nobody wants any of her junk.

About the author:  I love the Chosen One.  The newest chosen one, not that previous incumbent who was only chosen because his moving costs from Liverpool weren’t that expensive.

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Brett:

This is every blogger’s dream: one of your favourite players, who embodies the very spirit of your club, actually managing the thing! With so few blogs around, and so little opinion anywhere on the internet, everyone wants to know exactly what you think about it, and you have a duty as a blogger to satiate that want. It could almost be intimidating: thousands upon thousands of people hanging on your every word. Luckily, I have pre-prepared some words for such an occasion … they’re just here … wait a minute, juuuuust … no, not there. Not there either. Aaaah, I remember now, I was wearing my best jeans when I wrote it … no, not there. Aaaah course! Back pocket … no, not there. Oh! Of course! Duh! Silly me… the other back p… no, not there either. Oh yeah, I know where it is! Hold on…

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No, not there either. Could it beeeeee … no. How abooooou … no. Aaaahh! must beeeeeee … no. Bear with me a second…

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No, not there. Hahaha! What am I like?! Let’s try… no, not there. Could be… no, not there either. Wait! Got It! Back in a tick…

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No, no there either. Unleeeessssss…

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Forgeddit.