A Perennial Problem: Or When Is A Tree Actually A Tree?

Trees – the lungs of the planet: the perfect accompaniment to a park, a woodland walk, or an illustration of a grassy hillock. What’s not to like about trees? But, what happens when trees get ideas above their station?

Humans have been passing themselves off as trees ever since the olden days, adopting tree-like characteristics to avoid paying their TV license, parking tickets, or to get through airport security undetected. But reports suggest there’s a huge underground network supporting a growth in trees … that are pretending to be humans!

Though this level of treachery from the natural world is rare, there is already real evidence to suggest an infiltration of the footballing sphere. In the 70s it’s widely speculated that a haunted tree took the name of Mark Lawrenson and tried to pass itself off as a Liverpool player and, though nothing was ever proven, experts have been investigating transfers and keeping an eye on the trees ever since then and recently these bore fruit when one Marouane Fellaini was brought to their attention … if that’s his real name!

He’s going to be “unavailable” through late autumn. How very tree. Look out for him being “all better” by the Spring. Like a tree.

He grew up in Belgium. A quick internet search reveals there are trees growing up all over Belgium.

Have you ever seen Fellaini in the same room as another tree? No? Well, you wouldn’t have – trees are very territorial.

His favourite position is midfield. Classic tree.

Branches have also been referred to as limbs or arms. He’s got two limbs or arms. Textbook tree.

There are a variety of sources on the internet that cite his age as 25. There’s no way you could be that accurate with a person’s age, unless, of course, you’d chopped him open width ways with say a big axe and I dunno … counted his rings!

I think you’ll all be familiar with the cliches about trees:

Money doesn’t grow on trees: Interesting how, with that in mind, his price tag has been so hard to come to terms with for some of us. We haven’t got used to it. His price tag, if anything, is less becoming of him than it was.

The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree: Have you ever seen anyone drop an acorn next to him? No, well I’m guessing it would bounce no further than five feet away – no distance at all.

If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no-one around to hear it, does it make a sound?: He clearly knows the answer to that one – what with him being a tree – but no doubt he’s banned that question from being asked in interviews and press-conferences, and that’s why you’ll never hear him being asked it! 

And there’s more:

He asked to leave Everton, he also said when he arrived at United that he wanted to emulate Roy Keane, and reading between the lines it’s clear that what he was attempting to communicate was his wish to take a leaf out Roy Keane’s book. Leaves are a strong motif for trees. If he wasn’t a tree he would have simply asked for a transfer, and he definitely wouldn’t have been insinuating he wanted to take any leafs out of any books. Freudian clues. Standard for a tree.

Moyes said when he signed Fellaini: “He was someone who we pencilled in for a position here at Manchester United right from the start. We felt we could do with adding numbers.”  Pencils are made from trees and you can also count trees using a standard numerical system. Someone will have definitely told David Moyes this. Why would he say what he said, if Fellaini wasn’t actually a tree? Another freudian slip of tree-sized proportions (a really big tree, like one of them red ones). Moyes is in on it too! We’re being managed by a tree sympathiser!

How far does the tree conspiracy go?

Sepp Blatter was recently asked about it during a tour of the rainforests of South America – as part of the World Cup preparations – but fielded the question, replying, “Planky twig sap, log-loggy-log-log, root-wooty-woo!” Sadly, proving inconclusive – he’d obviously been tipped-off and briefed. Oh, he’s good. He’s very good.

It’s no use going to the papers, they’re inextricably linked to the tree industry!

You can put a veneer on it if you like: we’ve got ourselves a tree.

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