(@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words tonight pals I am too tired from all the masturbating

Prediction: Dutch rudder the fuck outta me bro

(@Benglorious)

I’m with Tom. Like, we’re in the same place. Wanking too much

Prediction: Pass the butter

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got a feeling (Woohoo!) that tonight’s gonna be a good night, that tonight’s gonna be a good good night…

This is going to be Bayern CL final 99 x PSG CL 2019!

Prediction: maybe I’ve misjudged the above. Not their bit

• Saint Bernard – The patron saint of little barrels
• Yves Saint Laurent – The patron saint of French
• Saint & Greavsie – The patron saint of football
• The Saint – Simon Templar

m

Prediction: Only love can break your heart, so nothing can stop us. Hopefully, the Pogba brothers can kiss and make up after the match, and maybe Paul can persuade Florentin to join our club. He’s on the phone. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m not, out of respect for Arsenal’s CL performance.

Prediction: Tom to not bother doing a preview out of respect for Arsenal’s CL performance. 

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

Start up the orchestra … The Euuuurrrroooopaaaaaaaaaa! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-da (but with violins)! Love that theme music. Makes the hairs on my gooch stand on end.

St. Etienne are named after the infamous cannibal saint, who specifically enjoyed men called Ian. You can have that one. Usual T&Cs apply. Please read the small print…

A work colleague of mine thought T&Cs meant Teas and Coffees. I use this information to bully him on the daily.

Prediction: Not sure how a posh cake can answer a phone tbh. But Benno knows what he’s talking about, imho, lol.  0-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Bobbins:  A Tale of Trying

King Alexander had ruled Traffordonia for nearly thirty years.  He was much respected by his enemies and beloved by his people because during his reign the kingdom had flourished, and was the envy of the whole world.  Alexander knew that his time as king was coming to an end and, with no heirs, had been thinking long and hard about who should replace him upon his retirement.  After he’d announced that he would be giving up the throne, all the kingdom was rife with speculation as to who the new king would be.  A lot of Alexander’s loyal subjects agreed that Joséph of the White Royal family would be ideal, but others pointed to his arrogance and the fact that he had previously been at war with Traffordonia as general of the humourless Chelsians.

Others pointed across the sea at Dortmundana, where the canny Jürgen had led his people through a triumphant uprising against their sworn enemies, the Bayernets.  Jürgen admitted to being flattered at all the interest in him succeeding King Alexander, but his unwavering loyalty to his people would prevent him from leaving them to accept the crown.

In the end, it was a man called David whom King Alexander summoned to his palace one afternoon to bestow the kingdom of Traffordonia upon him.  David was the mayor of a place called Toffeetown.  Toffeetown was a nice place to live, even though it wasn’t the town it used to be.  The people loved David, and he them.  Under his rule, Toffeetown was neither a success nor a failure and the community accepted this period of benevolence with their natural good humour.

Alexander told his people that David was the man he had chosen to succeed him, and that they should love and obey David as they loved and obeyed their current king.  David was known to the kingdom, and was respected as a shrewd tactitian because of  the various skirmishes that had taken place between Toffeetown and Traffordonia.  There was no ill will towards Toffeetown despite this, as both sets of people had a common enemy: the evil Pudlians.  They were reviled due to their underhand tactics, lack of morals and the disgusting behaviour of their famous spearhead, Louis the Tooth.

David’s first act as king was to bring his fiercest warrior, Mary-Ann, from Toffeetown to bolster his troops.  Mary-Ann was a pillar of Toffetown’s army, as strong as a tree, but many wondered where this chesty warrior would fit in with the army Alexander had left behind.  All doubts were soon dispelled as David’s first battle ended with a treasure-filled victory over the Wigs, followed by an even more comfortable defeat of the Swans of the Sea.  The people relaxed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that Alexander had appointed a worthy successor, one who would maintain their proud traditions.

The Traffordonian’s evil rivals, the Pudlians, soon put the dampeners on the feeling of joy felt throughout the kingdom as they swept aside David’s men.  This was followed by yet another defeat, this time to the Blue Moon clan who lived just across the border.  Spirits were raised again for a short time after a rout against the Levers across the sea, but this was short-lived after back to back losses against Toffeetown and Magpie Castle, both coming on home territory.

A poor defeat to the Sons of Derland ruined the chance of capturing any silverware, and this was followed by an embarrassing loss to the Chelsians, led by none other than Joséph who had switched allegiances from the White Royals after being overlooked for the kingship.  Joséph must have felt some sympathy for David, as shortly afterwards he allowed one of his finest soldiers, John the Killer, to join the Traffordonian army.

This didn’t give the nation the fillip everyone was expecting.  A crushing loss to the wildmen of Stokington and a dour stalemate with the vampires of Craven Cottage preceded a toothless defeat to the lowly Olympians on David’s continental crusade.  Mutterings of his unworthiness for the crown were starting to be heard in various corners of the land, which started to gain volume and momentum after yet another defeat to the Pudlians.  Some of David’s subjects started to call publicly for his head, but he managed to keep the wolf from the door by masterminding a revenge victory over the Olympians to continue his crusade.

John the Killer rallied the troops to claim a decisive and much needed win over the Villains of Aston, but the next opponents would not be so easy to dominate.  The Bayernets had one of the strongest and fiercest armies in the world, and now they stood in David’s way.  A tense first battle saw no quarter given and both sides left with honour intact.  The second battle started well for the Traffordonians, with ageing stalwart Pat Everhard taking the fight to the Bayernets and catching them off-guard.  However, this only angered the Bayernets and they swiftly countered before sending David’s men home, their campaign finished.

Rumours of David’s removal as king were now being touted by even the most loyal of his subjects, and it came as no surprise that he was overthrown after his next defeat, ironically to the people who’d once loved him:  Toffeetown.  Ryan Broslayer was appointed as steward of Traffordonia until such time as a new king could be found to resurrect the crumbling kingdom and restore its former glories.

In light of Traffordonia’s failures under David’s rule, both the Pudlians and the Blue Moon clan were vying for control of the kingdom.  Both were longstanding rivals of Traffordonia but had been kept well subdued, for the most part, by Alexander’s dominance during his reign.  He’d actually claimed the kingdom from the Pudlians many, many years ago and had instilled in his subjects the need to never let the evil Pudlians rule again.  With this in mind, the Traffordonians were secretly supporting the Blue Moon clan in any way they could, barring treasonous acts.

For a long time it seemed that the Pudlians, marshalled by their talisman Stee-Gee, would be the ones to claim total victory.  This would lead to a repeat of the dark days, spoken of by elders in hushed tones.  However, calamity struck Stee-Gee on the battlefield as he slipped at a crucial moment, allowing the Chelsians to administer a telling defeat to the evil Pudlians, crushing their hopes and allowing the Blue Moon clan to swoop in and take the crown.  The Traffordians grudgingly accepted the lesser of two evils as their betters, and swore fealty to the Blue Moon clan as their rightful rulers for the coming year.

Ryan Broslayer’s tenure as steward came to an end after the Blue Moon clan’s ultimate victory.  The highly-decorated Louis Vangelis took over the reins in Ryan’s stead, but kept him on as his right-hand man.  What happened after that?  Well, that’s a story for another time.  However, Traffordonians know deep in their hearts that the day will come when it is they who will be ruling once more, the balance will be restored and all will be right with the world.

The End

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

So it’s all over; another roller-coaster ride of thrills and excitement, culminating in a ‘down to the last day’ scenario and one more title. Oh UNITED? Why didn’t you say….

Got to be honest, I’ve already repressed most of this season (expecting it to come back to me in senility and those lonely nights in the home circa 2040) and as such, the review is going to be somewhat slap-dash; for the regular readers (who am I kidding? ‘Reader’. And thanks Dad) I know this lack of professionalism will shock and dismay you but hey, if fellas earning £200000+ a week can do it…

August 2013: Sir Alex who? A 4-1 drubbing of Mighty Swansea and a 0-0 draw againts the all-consuming genius that is Mourinho?! Business as usual then lads.

N.B If we were Liverpool, we’d’ve started singing ‘We’re going to win the league’ about now.

September 2013: Little bit of a speed-bump September; alright we got hammered by City, but it wasn’t 6-1 and yes, we did also lose to Liverpool but these things happened in the Fergie era – it’s a team in transition! We beat Palace for chrissakes. The West Brom thing was probably just a one-off freak result. And just look at us go in Europe!

October 2013: See? Beating Sunderland and Stoke is nothing to be sniffed at (See also: draws against European heavy-hitters Shakhtar & Real Sociedad).

November 2013:  Victories against Fulham and league-leaders Arsenal put us right back in the hunt and Cardiff away is never easy. Megalolz at Fellaini in Europe – what a signing he’s turning out to be – but 5 against Leverkusen away is just the tonic we need. Now we’ll turn the corner.

December 2013: Four wins and a draw. Yes, defeats at home to both Everton and Newcastle do seem to be a negative but Dave is really trying and I’m sure we’re just not seeing his vision. Buy a gun just in case.

January 2014: Oh THAT Sir Alex. Sweet Jesus. Still, take that Wales. Oh wait. Beginning to think David isn’t the tactical super-genius we thought.

February 2014: Set new world record for number of crosses. Take this as a positive. And if you ignore the defeat to Stoke and the draw against Fulham, not a bad month – I mean, we drew with 4th place winners Arsenal. That Olympiakos thing was just West Brom all over again. Oil gun on daily basis now.

March 2014: Magnificent vengeance against the mighty West Brom, and we continue to lure Liverpool & City into thinking we’re not even trying to win the league and really stick it to Villa who, once again, are challenging for worst thing ever. What goes around comes around as Olympiakos get their just desserts at OT and we make the last eight.

April 2014: Get knocked out – comprehensively – by Bayern; I don’t think its hyperbole to say it was the biggest shock since sliced bread. However, now we’re rid of the tiresome distraction that is CL, starting to think Moyes is leaving it a bit late to make that final charge – mathematically, it seems impossible.  In other news, Moyes sacked. Hand my gun into police – won’t be needing it now. Relative unknown Ryan Giggs made interim boss, smiles all across the land.

May 2014: Prepared suicide note in event of Liverpool win. Turned it into party invite where Steven Gerrard’s slip is shown on continuous loop. Season ends with Vidic and Rio leaving (I knew Vidic was going when I saw him sign that Milan contract), hope ensuing vacuum sucks both Cleverley and Young to a parallel world where they aren’t subjected to constant ridicule. Seems unlikely. Louis Van Gaal touted as next boss but at the time of writing, no official confirmation. Thousands of Vines though. So that’s good.

Its quite probable that having read this review, you might’ve noticed some glaring omissions – there’s no mention of the league cup for instance – but this is because I don’t believe in it; either way, feel free to not bring any of them to my attention. Its also highly probable that if you started reading this, you possibly – and justifiably – gave up way before now. If so, you’ve gone up in my estimation.

About the author:

Invented Glass, starred in Miss Saigon for 24 consecutive years.

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Abhay (Ab5Y) :

The unholy has been avoided. Liverpool will go another season without adding to their eighteen league crowns. While this may bring some amount of solace to Man United fans (especially the ones of a certain vintage who have seen the Merseyside team truly dominate English football), it does scarce to ease the pain of a season which to date is the worst United have had to endure in the Premier League era.

What does ease the pain, however, is the tangible hope that the 2013/14 season will go down as a blip rather than a turning point in the history of Manchester United FC. Strong rumours of the impending arrival of Louis van Gaal mean that the fans, and a fair portion of the players (not least a certain horse placenta connoisseur) remain optimistic of returning to their rightful place at the helm of the league table in the coming season. Along with that, there is also the indication that United are keen on buying football players actually worthy of playing for Manchester United, especially in the center of midfield. This is certainly heartening news for those who aren’t entirely pleased with Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, Marouane Fellaini and the soon to be former Manchester United player/personal entertainer and jester to Alex Ferguson, Anderson.

If and when van Gaal takes charge of this Manchester United squad, one can expect a throwback to the heady days of 90s attacking and flair football. Old Trafford hasn’t seen such football, featuring gay abandonment, consistently since Vincent del Bosque’s Real Madrid were the victors in a clash between tactical astuteness and “tactical anarchy”. Since then, Sir Alex Ferguson became decidedly more possession minded in the way he set out his playing elevens. It was a transformation that was largely accepted whilst the trophies kept rolling in. But with two trophyless years since 2011, the return of attacking football in its purest essence will be a welcome sight for those making the trip down Sir Matt Busby Way.

If the hopes of the reported 600 million people worldwide, who claim to support “Man U”, are realized, the 2014/15 season could see Manchester United and Liverpool compete for the title. But unlike the last time it happened (2008/09), this time promises to be the start of rivalry that could last more than just one season.

For starters, there seems to be no danger of Brendan Rodgers going off on a rant about how van Gaal has, or will doubtless have, the FA in his pocket. For the main course, Rodgers also seems to be hell bent on not wanting to exchange his best players for Gareth Barry. For dessert, Rodgers is just a good manager through and through, and not a ‘flawed genius’.

With Chelsea under Jose Mourinho looking set to buy a world class striker in the summer, and Arsenal and Manchester City also almost certain to strengthen in order to build on their numerous positives this season, the fight for the league will be might tougher next season than it has been these past eight months. If Tottenham finally manage to find a manager capable of getting the best out of an expensively assembled squad, and Everton continue their rise under Roberto Martinez, even getting top four will be a sizable challenge.

Yet, barring City, none of the teams in the PL have the same quality in their squad that Manchester United already possess. But while City have a treasure trove of world class players to call upon whenever a need arises, Liverpool have something far more powerful: the call of destiny. Whether one believes in such a thing or not, it is undeniable that Liverpool supporters and a large proportion of their players know and understand the rich history of their club. There is an aura about Anfield, the Liver bird, the kop, the Shankly gates, and everything that goes with that club, that, though dimmed in the past two and a half decades, can still turn LFC into a fearsome and dominating trophy machine. Only Manchester United’s own history and traditions can compare, and hence only United can stop the mayhem that Liverpool will create under Rodgers now that they have tasted blood.

Brett:

I did one for ROM on Vidic and then ran out of

Unlike Fergie, Moyes didn’t have the luxury of a Michael Owen on the bench in the big Champions’ League game, or even a Berba to leave out completely … and so the result in the end was inevitable.

Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Hey?!

Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Hey?!

*note to self: try mixing that vocal loop over some dubstep later.

*note to self: find out what ‘dubstep’ is.

For what it’s worth (About £500; I pay myself £30 a word, but don’t tell Ben, or his Mum), I thought that was a proper decent effort, and in a season with little to celebrate that Patrice goal went someway to making up for it.

#VoteDave

Ben (Benglorious):

It’s here at last.  The big one I’ve been waiting for.  It’s been over a week since I last glued my eyes to something of such importance and intensity.  In the meantime, I’ve had to settle for the non-match of a comfortable win against one of the other Uniteds (I forget which).  Even Mata bagging his first brace (as predicted by me for a different match entirely) wasn’t enough to take my mind off the aforementioned “big one”.  I’ve been like a child adventing (if that’s not a verb, I’m ruddy claiming it) my way towards Exmas: counting down the days, consoling myself each morning with one less sleep to worry about, constantly checking the date and eating a disgusting chocolate in lieu of breakfast.  Fibre broadband was well worth the wait.

There’s some football on tonight as well, or so the so-called “authorities” would have you believe.  Just to keep off their radar, I’ll go along with their sham and write a few bits about it.  United flew to Europe yesterday (that’s tomorrow if you’re reading this Monday just gone) for their match against their opponents at their opponent’s stadium in their opponent’s country.  This is the second leg of the match, which I assume is best of three sets.  The winner of this match goes on to some form of round-robin-winner-takes-all-next-goal-wins-can’t-tag-your-butcher-pistols-at-dawn-big-championship game.  Then they give the trophy to Barcelona.

Players to watch out for tonight include Juan Mata, who no doubt will get his fair share of camera time (why have we taken a player who can’t even play (not you, Clevz)?  No bloody wonder the club’s in so much debt); Bastian Schweinsteiger, who no doubt will also get his fair share of camera time due to him nearly killing Rooney in the last game (that’s if he’s even got the guts to show his face.  I would if I was him: tickets must be well cheap at your own stadium if you’re a player); and finally, the whole team playing against us (someone told a mate of mine that they’re supposed to be quite good.  Said “mate” then relayed this information to me.  I wrote it down here.  The technical term for this is “research”.

Prediction:  Moyes will have learned from the last outing that Fellaini is only cut out for chest tricks and time-wasting, so he will be saved for when we need to protect our lead.  To get into this “lead” situation I’ve just mentioned, and which I assume is a good thing, Rooney will score from 97 yards, Welbz will zup zup for Brett’s customary two and Good Kagawa will be the glorious architect of it all; cementing his place in the annals of United history.  Glory, Glory Man United!!!  1-0 Bayern

No offerings from Mum today, although she did give me a yoghurt which I ate.

About the author:  I didn’t really eat it.

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Brett:

What part of ‘you don’t have to play Wayne Rooney in every single game to get the best out of our squad, to play the most magical football (that we are more than capable of playing), to facilitate the enjoyment of football for all United’s fans and all interested neutrals, to get the best results, and to make the world a better place’, does Moyes not understand? Oh actually, I just worked it out: it’s the ‘don’t’ bit.

The allegation – or is it the crocodilation (I can never tell the difference) – levelled at us by most sane people, after the first leg, was that we’re too regressive to progress; and thus haven’t got a chance. But I read in a book once that ‘history teaches us that it’s often the ‘mad’ ones that get it right’, and if it’s in a book then it must be true. I’ve never read anything in a book to make me doubt that things in books aren’t true. Have you? Didn’t think so. I have only read that one book, and I only skimmed it, cos I was watching Take Me Out and Paddy had just said something right funny (you had to be there), but still … if we can just find someone mad enough to predict a United win, then I’m pretty sure that means it’s going to happen. Are you still with me? Good.  Well, can you explain to me what on earth I just said? ‘cos I stopped listening/caring about 580 posts ago. If I’m honest I sometimes drive myself … mad. Hold on a minute…!

Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. The other from Swag. POTY in waiting Dave to do as he do (#VoteDave). The David Moyes we’ve got to remove his mask and reveal he was the David Moyes we hoped we might be getting, all along.

Ben (Benglorious):

Newcastle, as far as I’m aware, does not have a new castle.  Nowhere does.  Castles haven’t been built anywhere for hundreds of years [<<check this].  It should, therefore, be called ‘Oldcastle’.  However, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have an old castle either [<<check this as well], and seeing as there isn’t a name for a castle of an intermediate  age [<<should be checking as you go, d*ckhead, the whole paragraph depends on these things being true], we’ll just have to settle for calling it ‘ ‘.

So, United visit the flagship Sports Direct store today, fresh off the back of drawing Baron Münchausen’s champion, or whatever [<<why does this seem familiar?].  Fan reaction this week has traversed the entire gamut of spectral emotionality [<<is this a real thing?]:  from the Abed Nadir of very disappointed with the style of play and lack of ambition, to the Zenith Data Systems [<<correct antonyms?] of knowing that we gave the European Champions a proper match and didn’t disgrace ourselves [<<is there a difference between those two things?].  In either case, a didn’t lose is a didn’t lose and we can carry that confidence of not losing into today’s game and not lose again.

Players to watch out for:  Peter “appeared in my GCSE biology textbook because of his weird false teeth” Beardsley; Mirandinha “the first Brazilian to play in the Premiership [<<doesn’t seem correct/find out when Prem started/nope, got it: poss. Bolivian]” No Last Name, and; Jimmy “face like a bag of smashed crabs licking piss off a nettle who is also quite possibly AntDec’s dad” Nail.

Prediction:  Jones will have remembered to wear boots with studs for this match, so will sneak a cheeky goal early on to set the figurative and literal ball rolling.  Rooney will score from 87 yards, and Mata, fresh from his midweek holiday trying on new shoes, will link up with Janizzi (copyright @tom_mcghee) to score his second goal for United and clinch a comfortable three goal victory.  1-0 ‘ ‘.

About the author:  As I’m so sick of having to do this on my phone, I’m heading down ol’ Californi way to get me some of that internet.

Mum had a garden parasol and some hanging baskets up for grabs, but I needed them for my new place so I bagsied them.  Dunno why I put this one in.

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Brett:

If cupboard chops was familiar with the concept of picking a consistent team, this might be the ideal opportunity to rest a few players and rotate the squad; freshen things up a bit, bring in some fringe players – that sort of thing. As it is, for our David, it’s just another opportunity to delight and surprise. Having said that, such is our David’s tactical wont, we no longer have a stronger team to look after and protect with the big European nights looming; just a pool of equally ill-fitting square pegs to shove anywhere but where they prefer.

Match going United fans should be sure to pack their suncream as the fight for mid-table security is really hotting up: it was tepid last week and this game is going to shoot the temperature lukewarmwards.

I’ve really missed Alan Pardew’s smiling face. I’ve been throwing all sorts at a portrait I’ve got on my wall for hours now, and still not stuck one on him.

Prediction: 2 – 3 Danny to get through one on one with the keeper, and learning his lesson from against Bayern the other night, tries to sell him a dummy and then chip him, when perhaps a low shot would be more appropriate and/or boring … just the way we like it.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Worst. European. Game. Ever

Cowardly tactics, betraying the United tradition.

Stone-Age formation.

£300K a week for Rooney? Disgraceful gamesmanship.

Not that warm.

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Ben (Benglorious):

Best. European. Game. Ever!!!

The tactics were spot on, befitting our underdog status and getting us a tidy result.

Moyes’ formation choice was excellent, forcing the Germans out wide to be comfortably dealt with by Büttner and Jones.

Rooney was immense!! I’d pay him £300k A DAY purely for getting that plain-faced obersturmführer sent off.

It may have been a bit chilly at Old Trafford, but you could feel the heeeeeaaaTTTT from the atmosphere, even from home.

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Brett:

Like no one ever says: the best form of defence is defence. The site of Phil Jones chucking himself about like a child on the back fields was a beautiful thing. Even Buttner didn’t do too good, which is a massive improvement from him. Vidic was almost Vidic-y, and scored a quite magnificent Chicha. And we all know about Dave and his ability to rhyme with what he does bestest. Well. Done. All.* *Let’s pretend Rio didn’t play.

As for the rest of ‘em: they all played their part. Defending from the front, wing, Bayern’s area, and the bench. Still expect more from Rooney in these games, but maybe I should remember that I’d decided to start expecting less, so I could be happier with him. Fellaini didn’t do too good, which for him is a massive improvement.

Interestingly, as in not interesting at all, but you’re reading this, so I’m guessing by now you’re used to that on here: I was speaking to someone who loves Shinji Kagawa to bits, and yet hates Danny to smithereens. Imagine that. What a messed up individual. That’s like loving love, yet hating … no, that doesn’t work. Tis an oxymoron.

We are more powerful than they can possibly imagine … occasionally.

About the author: Someone asked me if my prediction in the last game was a true story … I enjoyed a very cordial conversation with everyone in my local, amongst friends, as I always do.

Ben (Benglorious):

Champions League quarter finals, eh?  Whodathunkit after the season we’ve had, eh?  Hang on…  Why are they called ‘quarter finals’ anyway?  Do the matches only last twenty-two and a half minutes or are we only allowed two and three-quarter players on the pitch?  I suppose nobody will ever know.

I did some research into our opponents, and it turns out that this is the first time we’ve ever played Bayern Munich.  We did beat a Bayern München in 1999 to complete some sort of historic ‘trouble’.  Actually, now that I think about it, I DID have a lot of trouble getting down Deansgate to work one day that year, due to thousands of people shouting at a bus.  Maybe the two things were related?  Again, nobody will ever know.

Players to watch out for tonight include the facially-scarred evil Gary Neville, or Gary N-evil; Stefefefefefan Effefefefefefenberg, the Swedish goal-machine, and; Dante, who’s taken time off from his scribblings about the human soul to become one of the world’s most coveted defenders.

Prediction:  Apparently, Shinji never lost a game against these guys whilst he played in Germany, so I’m expecting him to score at least two from his preferred position sitting behind David Moyes.  I’m also expecting Rooney to score from 77 yards tonight, cementing a comfortable, albeit unexpected win to cheer up all the United fans.  1-0 Bayern.

Mum’s got a LG 15″ LCD monitor up for grabs if you want it.  Let me know or it’s going to Oxfam.

About the author:  I lost my first draft of this, so actually used my prodigious memory for something other than rubbish jokes and movie quotes for the first time in 20 years.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I have to say, regardless of the history, the occasion, and despite being a personal fan, I have never rated Baron Munchausen. Although it has all the trademarks usually associated with Gilliam’s work – it looks voluptous, the pythonesque surrealism etc – there’s no real sense of proportion to the visual magnificence and narrative. Whereas Twelve Monkeys uses the surreal to propel and assist the story, Baron simply degenerates into a sprawling mess of over-blown ideas and narcissism. It’s a sad indictment of our season that come the quarter-finals of the Champions League, we’re discussing the life and works of Terry Gilliam rather than some top European football….

Anyway, that said, I do have some good news: earlier this week, whilst in the first class lounge awaiting another international flight to Miami,  I did have the good fortune to bump into a certain character popular amongst fans this season – what follows is the subsequent and very impromptu interview.

TM: What with SAF retiring, David Moyes tenure getting off to a less than auspiscious start and in relation to your own well-documented set-backs, what do you make of DM’s United career so far?

LZ: To be honest – and this is perhaps easier for me because I’m essentially a sentient machine with incredible power – it kinda reminds me of Starscream’s ill-fated stab at command after Megatron’s “death” after the Battle of Autobot City* ie Not the best.

TM: As a galactic warlord who is renowned for his ruthlessness (who can forget Nebulos?!), how would you address the current predicament?

LZ: In the old days, Megatron would just order Scorched Earth, annihilate everyone involved and start over with powerful incentive driven demands. However, given the binary bonding process that led to the ceation of Head/Target/Power Masters, I’d advise cutting your losses, bringing in Klopp and giving him in free rein to rebuild the team. But then I again, I support QPR! (laughs)

TM: Do you think we’ll be back in the frame next season?

LZ: No F*&%ing chance

TM: Messi or Ronaldo?

LZ: Ronaldo for me – Messi is like Optimus Prime; he’s awesome but he’s just such a boy scout its hard to like him – he just makes you feel worse about yourself. No, if I was a footballer, I’d be Ronaldo – powerful, fast, my own underwear collection and totally consumed by self-interest.

TM: Since the threat of Unicorn and your apparent ceasefire/self-sacrifice, has there been any definitive talks for a permanent peace?

LZ: Who writes these questions? (laughs) right – firstly, that whole spiel was done to sell shirts, nothing more; it was out of character, served no real purpose – I’m a machine, just rebuild me?! – and was handled with such an over-abundance of sentimentality it besmirched nearly everything else I’d achieved. Secondly – everyone’s always banging on about the Cybertronian Wars….put it this way: there’s ONLY Liverpool and United fans in existence. And you’ve got guns.

TM: And finally: Do you feel short-changed by the increasingly inept Transformers franchise?

LZ: Yes. Yes I do.

*Zarak went on to suggest that calling it a city, when it clearly only had about 12 inhabitants, was just one of the reasons the Autobots really grind his gears.

Just been told that interviewing Lord Zarak (aka Scorponok) doesn’t count as a thing and that it’s Bayern Munich we’re playing. Which does make more sense if I’m honest. If this were Transformers, Bayern would go 2-0 up, a leader would fall (Let’s say Rio. It’s for the best) and a young upstart (Welbz obvs) would seize the Creation Matrix enabling United to win 7-2. But this isnt Transformers. Despite the lack of coherence and shoddy animation.

Prediction: Man will eventually develop telekinesis

.

Brett:

There’s no point in this opening paragraph. I genuinely do think Bayern are over-rated, though that looks really rubbish now as an opening bit, cos of what Tom said in his opening bit – thanks Tom, yeah, love you too. Didn’t think it was true what they* said about you, but now I’m coming round. I was going to say something about never telling anyone that and then I was going to go on to say that it’s because they’ll chuck ugly things at me like facts and reason and all that. But since the incident that I just mentioned what with Tom getting his opening bit in first I can’t be b

Whatever else is going on at United, getting this far in the Champions’ League should be seen as a wonderful opportunity for Bayern to rotate their squad, rest a few players, try out some set plays, that sort of thing – before things get serious for them in the next round.

A midfield of Giggs, Fellaini and Fletch would please me. Though in all honesty any midfield we pick could get the upper-hand over theirs, so long as they give us a 3,475 pass head start. Though taking into account our passing accuracy, better round that up to nearer 3,476.

As for Pep Guardiolaaaaaaaaah aaaah.Haha! Not again lads. You nearly had me there. Growing a team in his back garden is he? Using canes to prop the midfield up no doubt? Hey?! Don’t tell me he’s … Oh, that’s Gladioli. Anyway, Pep Guardiola. Nice one. You’ll have to get up a lot earlier on April Fools Day etc Haha!                                                      Ha.                                                                          Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Regardless of how well we won’t or really won’t play, I’m looking forward to participating in the experience and experiencing my participation in it.

Prediction: 1-1. The regulars to do an impression of me by putting on a Northern accent and ‘bigging up Danny’, when they think I’m not looking – though I’m secretly actually looking. Then to blank me when I try to join in any conversation, though I actually don’t want to even join in their rotten conversation. And then Mike’s teenage son to round the night off perfectly by looking at me with utter disdain, as I sit in the corner, alone. Oh, wait, that was every other week. Maybe tonight it will all be different…

*your family

Ha.

Ben (Benglorious):

Just a short one today as I’ve got a lot of flight checks to go through before my trip over M16 this afternoon.

Prediction: Robin hat-trick to make it mathematically impossible for City to catch us and clinch our 20th title. 1-0 Villa.

About the author: I’ve never actually flown a plane before. Eyes to the skies, people!

Brett:

What’s with playing this game so close to the Bayern game?! How are we expected to prepare properly in such a short period of time. I mean seriously?! Would have been nice of the Premier League to have supported us and the David Moyes project and afforded us a more appropriate period of time to ready ourselves for the task ahead: representing English football in the right and proper manner. I was thinking nearer 7 eons.

Villa have the away advantage of being the away team at Old Trafford, and I expect them to take full advantage of that by doing very little creatively in a very mild-mannered almost apologetic and somewhat awkward way.

The 2013 X-Factor winner Sam Bailey has gone 1-2 Villa.

Let’s hope we can continue grinding down the confidence of Dave, so we literally have nothing to be grateful for. If we’re going down the pot-noodle-sob route, we may aswell do it proper.

Prediction:  14:30 Grapes. Danny to get his head flushed down the toilet by Chris Woods, and Adnan to have a difficult time getting past Steve Round in the corridor, who keeps stepping in his way – they look the type.