Benno (@Benglorious):

The Bobbins:  A Tale of Trying

King Alexander had ruled Traffordonia for nearly thirty years.  He was much respected by his enemies and beloved by his people because during his reign the kingdom had flourished, and was the envy of the whole world.  Alexander knew that his time as king was coming to an end and, with no heirs, had been thinking long and hard about who should replace him upon his retirement.  After he’d announced that he would be giving up the throne, all the kingdom was rife with speculation as to who the new king would be.  A lot of Alexander’s loyal subjects agreed that Joséph of the White Royal family would be ideal, but others pointed to his arrogance and the fact that he had previously been at war with Traffordonia as general of the humourless Chelsians.

Others pointed across the sea at Dortmundana, where the canny Jürgen had led his people through a triumphant uprising against their sworn enemies, the Bayernets.  Jürgen admitted to being flattered at all the interest in him succeeding King Alexander, but his unwavering loyalty to his people would prevent him from leaving them to accept the crown.

In the end, it was a man called David whom King Alexander summoned to his palace one afternoon to bestow the kingdom of Traffordonia upon him.  David was the mayor of a place called Toffeetown.  Toffeetown was a nice place to live, even though it wasn’t the town it used to be.  The people loved David, and he them.  Under his rule, Toffeetown was neither a success nor a failure and the community accepted this period of benevolence with their natural good humour.

Alexander told his people that David was the man he had chosen to succeed him, and that they should love and obey David as they loved and obeyed their current king.  David was known to the kingdom, and was respected as a shrewd tactitian because of  the various skirmishes that had taken place between Toffeetown and Traffordonia.  There was no ill will towards Toffeetown despite this, as both sets of people had a common enemy: the evil Pudlians.  They were reviled due to their underhand tactics, lack of morals and the disgusting behaviour of their famous spearhead, Louis the Tooth.

David’s first act as king was to bring his fiercest warrior, Mary-Ann, from Toffeetown to bolster his troops.  Mary-Ann was a pillar of Toffetown’s army, as strong as a tree, but many wondered where this chesty warrior would fit in with the army Alexander had left behind.  All doubts were soon dispelled as David’s first battle ended with a treasure-filled victory over the Wigs, followed by an even more comfortable defeat of the Swans of the Sea.  The people relaxed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that Alexander had appointed a worthy successor, one who would maintain their proud traditions.

The Traffordonian’s evil rivals, the Pudlians, soon put the dampeners on the feeling of joy felt throughout the kingdom as they swept aside David’s men.  This was followed by yet another defeat, this time to the Blue Moon clan who lived just across the border.  Spirits were raised again for a short time after a rout against the Levers across the sea, but this was short-lived after back to back losses against Toffeetown and Magpie Castle, both coming on home territory.

A poor defeat to the Sons of Derland ruined the chance of capturing any silverware, and this was followed by an embarrassing loss to the Chelsians, led by none other than Joséph who had switched allegiances from the White Royals after being overlooked for the kingship.  Joséph must have felt some sympathy for David, as shortly afterwards he allowed one of his finest soldiers, John the Killer, to join the Traffordonian army.

This didn’t give the nation the fillip everyone was expecting.  A crushing loss to the wildmen of Stokington and a dour stalemate with the vampires of Craven Cottage preceded a toothless defeat to the lowly Olympians on David’s continental crusade.  Mutterings of his unworthiness for the crown were starting to be heard in various corners of the land, which started to gain volume and momentum after yet another defeat to the Pudlians.  Some of David’s subjects started to call publicly for his head, but he managed to keep the wolf from the door by masterminding a revenge victory over the Olympians to continue his crusade.

John the Killer rallied the troops to claim a decisive and much needed win over the Villains of Aston, but the next opponents would not be so easy to dominate.  The Bayernets had one of the strongest and fiercest armies in the world, and now they stood in David’s way.  A tense first battle saw no quarter given and both sides left with honour intact.  The second battle started well for the Traffordonians, with ageing stalwart Pat Everhard taking the fight to the Bayernets and catching them off-guard.  However, this only angered the Bayernets and they swiftly countered before sending David’s men home, their campaign finished.

Rumours of David’s removal as king were now being touted by even the most loyal of his subjects, and it came as no surprise that he was overthrown after his next defeat, ironically to the people who’d once loved him:  Toffeetown.  Ryan Broslayer was appointed as steward of Traffordonia until such time as a new king could be found to resurrect the crumbling kingdom and restore its former glories.

In light of Traffordonia’s failures under David’s rule, both the Pudlians and the Blue Moon clan were vying for control of the kingdom.  Both were longstanding rivals of Traffordonia but had been kept well subdued, for the most part, by Alexander’s dominance during his reign.  He’d actually claimed the kingdom from the Pudlians many, many years ago and had instilled in his subjects the need to never let the evil Pudlians rule again.  With this in mind, the Traffordonians were secretly supporting the Blue Moon clan in any way they could, barring treasonous acts.

For a long time it seemed that the Pudlians, marshalled by their talisman Stee-Gee, would be the ones to claim total victory.  This would lead to a repeat of the dark days, spoken of by elders in hushed tones.  However, calamity struck Stee-Gee on the battlefield as he slipped at a crucial moment, allowing the Chelsians to administer a telling defeat to the evil Pudlians, crushing their hopes and allowing the Blue Moon clan to swoop in and take the crown.  The Traffordians grudgingly accepted the lesser of two evils as their betters, and swore fealty to the Blue Moon clan as their rightful rulers for the coming year.

Ryan Broslayer’s tenure as steward came to an end after the Blue Moon clan’s ultimate victory.  The highly-decorated Louis Vangelis took over the reins in Ryan’s stead, but kept him on as his right-hand man.  What happened after that?  Well, that’s a story for another time.  However, Traffordonians know deep in their hearts that the day will come when it is they who will be ruling once more, the balance will be restored and all will be right with the world.

The End

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

So it’s all over; another roller-coaster ride of thrills and excitement, culminating in a ‘down to the last day’ scenario and one more title. Oh UNITED? Why didn’t you say….

Got to be honest, I’ve already repressed most of this season (expecting it to come back to me in senility and those lonely nights in the home circa 2040) and as such, the review is going to be somewhat slap-dash; for the regular readers (who am I kidding? ‘Reader’. And thanks Dad) I know this lack of professionalism will shock and dismay you but hey, if fellas earning £200000+ a week can do it…

August 2013: Sir Alex who? A 4-1 drubbing of Mighty Swansea and a 0-0 draw againts the all-consuming genius that is Mourinho?! Business as usual then lads.

N.B If we were Liverpool, we’d’ve started singing ‘We’re going to win the league’ about now.

September 2013: Little bit of a speed-bump September; alright we got hammered by City, but it wasn’t 6-1 and yes, we did also lose to Liverpool but these things happened in the Fergie era – it’s a team in transition! We beat Palace for chrissakes. The West Brom thing was probably just a one-off freak result. And just look at us go in Europe!

October 2013: See? Beating Sunderland and Stoke is nothing to be sniffed at (See also: draws against European heavy-hitters Shakhtar & Real Sociedad).

November 2013:  Victories against Fulham and league-leaders Arsenal put us right back in the hunt and Cardiff away is never easy. Megalolz at Fellaini in Europe – what a signing he’s turning out to be – but 5 against Leverkusen away is just the tonic we need. Now we’ll turn the corner.

December 2013: Four wins and a draw. Yes, defeats at home to both Everton and Newcastle do seem to be a negative but Dave is really trying and I’m sure we’re just not seeing his vision. Buy a gun just in case.

January 2014: Oh THAT Sir Alex. Sweet Jesus. Still, take that Wales. Oh wait. Beginning to think David isn’t the tactical super-genius we thought.

February 2014: Set new world record for number of crosses. Take this as a positive. And if you ignore the defeat to Stoke and the draw against Fulham, not a bad month – I mean, we drew with 4th place winners Arsenal. That Olympiakos thing was just West Brom all over again. Oil gun on daily basis now.

March 2014: Magnificent vengeance against the mighty West Brom, and we continue to lure Liverpool & City into thinking we’re not even trying to win the league and really stick it to Villa who, once again, are challenging for worst thing ever. What goes around comes around as Olympiakos get their just desserts at OT and we make the last eight.

April 2014: Get knocked out – comprehensively – by Bayern; I don’t think its hyperbole to say it was the biggest shock since sliced bread. However, now we’re rid of the tiresome distraction that is CL, starting to think Moyes is leaving it a bit late to make that final charge – mathematically, it seems impossible.  In other news, Moyes sacked. Hand my gun into police – won’t be needing it now. Relative unknown Ryan Giggs made interim boss, smiles all across the land.

May 2014: Prepared suicide note in event of Liverpool win. Turned it into party invite where Steven Gerrard’s slip is shown on continuous loop. Season ends with Vidic and Rio leaving (I knew Vidic was going when I saw him sign that Milan contract), hope ensuing vacuum sucks both Cleverley and Young to a parallel world where they aren’t subjected to constant ridicule. Seems unlikely. Louis Van Gaal touted as next boss but at the time of writing, no official confirmation. Thousands of Vines though. So that’s good.

Its quite probable that having read this review, you might’ve noticed some glaring omissions – there’s no mention of the league cup for instance – but this is because I don’t believe in it; either way, feel free to not bring any of them to my attention. Its also highly probable that if you started reading this, you possibly – and justifiably – gave up way before now. If so, you’ve gone up in my estimation.

About the author:

Invented Glass, starred in Miss Saigon for 24 consecutive years.

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Abhay (Ab5Y) :

The unholy has been avoided. Liverpool will go another season without adding to their eighteen league crowns. While this may bring some amount of solace to Man United fans (especially the ones of a certain vintage who have seen the Merseyside team truly dominate English football), it does scarce to ease the pain of a season which to date is the worst United have had to endure in the Premier League era.

What does ease the pain, however, is the tangible hope that the 2013/14 season will go down as a blip rather than a turning point in the history of Manchester United FC. Strong rumours of the impending arrival of Louis van Gaal mean that the fans, and a fair portion of the players (not least a certain horse placenta connoisseur) remain optimistic of returning to their rightful place at the helm of the league table in the coming season. Along with that, there is also the indication that United are keen on buying football players actually worthy of playing for Manchester United, especially in the center of midfield. This is certainly heartening news for those who aren’t entirely pleased with Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, Marouane Fellaini and the soon to be former Manchester United player/personal entertainer and jester to Alex Ferguson, Anderson.

If and when van Gaal takes charge of this Manchester United squad, one can expect a throwback to the heady days of 90s attacking and flair football. Old Trafford hasn’t seen such football, featuring gay abandonment, consistently since Vincent del Bosque’s Real Madrid were the victors in a clash between tactical astuteness and “tactical anarchy”. Since then, Sir Alex Ferguson became decidedly more possession minded in the way he set out his playing elevens. It was a transformation that was largely accepted whilst the trophies kept rolling in. But with two trophyless years since 2011, the return of attacking football in its purest essence will be a welcome sight for those making the trip down Sir Matt Busby Way.

If the hopes of the reported 600 million people worldwide, who claim to support “Man U”, are realized, the 2014/15 season could see Manchester United and Liverpool compete for the title. But unlike the last time it happened (2008/09), this time promises to be the start of rivalry that could last more than just one season.

For starters, there seems to be no danger of Brendan Rodgers going off on a rant about how van Gaal has, or will doubtless have, the FA in his pocket. For the main course, Rodgers also seems to be hell bent on not wanting to exchange his best players for Gareth Barry. For dessert, Rodgers is just a good manager through and through, and not a ‘flawed genius’.

With Chelsea under Jose Mourinho looking set to buy a world class striker in the summer, and Arsenal and Manchester City also almost certain to strengthen in order to build on their numerous positives this season, the fight for the league will be might tougher next season than it has been these past eight months. If Tottenham finally manage to find a manager capable of getting the best out of an expensively assembled squad, and Everton continue their rise under Roberto Martinez, even getting top four will be a sizable challenge.

Yet, barring City, none of the teams in the PL have the same quality in their squad that Manchester United already possess. But while City have a treasure trove of world class players to call upon whenever a need arises, Liverpool have something far more powerful: the call of destiny. Whether one believes in such a thing or not, it is undeniable that Liverpool supporters and a large proportion of their players know and understand the rich history of their club. There is an aura about Anfield, the Liver bird, the kop, the Shankly gates, and everything that goes with that club, that, though dimmed in the past two and a half decades, can still turn LFC into a fearsome and dominating trophy machine. Only Manchester United’s own history and traditions can compare, and hence only United can stop the mayhem that Liverpool will create under Rodgers now that they have tasted blood.

Brett:

I did one for ROM on Vidic and then ran out of

Ben (Benglorious):

What a week, eh?  Finally got confirmation about my new flat and also going to save one whole pence off every pint I don’t buy.  Oh, and United somehow remembered that they were United and well and truly spanked those Greeks to earn a clash against some no-mark German team in the next round of the Champions League.

Today we visit Upton Park, named after Billy Joel’s classic 80’s hit Tell Her about It.  The ‘ammers have been in fine form this season under Sam Allardyce’s shrewd stewardship, banging in goals left, right, up, down and diagonally, whilst barely concedi… Sorry.  Can’t keep that up.  They’re one of those teams that aren’t really worth writing or caring about, even though they are the closest Premiership team to where I live.  Apart from Norwich.  The only notable thing abut them is that they play in Villa’s kit, probably because some Cockney nutjob back in the day stole a job lot whilst waving about a shoo’er, guv.

Key players to watch out for are Jürgen Klinsmann,  Franz Beckenbauer and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, although that may be West Germany I’m thinking of.  I don’t really care.  I think I mentioned the not caring before, you’ll have to read back and check as I can’t be bothered.

Prediction:  “Demis Roussos… Prince Philip… Poseidon… Socrates (the Greek one)… You boys tooka helluva beating!”  was the main part of my phone call to my local taverna after Wednesday night’s match, which wasn’t taken in the humour it was intended as the restaurant is actually owned by Clive from Southend.  Anyway, still buoyant from our final victory in Europe this season, I’m in a double, super-positive mood even with the loss of Robin for a few weeks.  Moyes will have the chance to try out a new forward line, so I’m seeing a goal a piece for Adnan and Danny, with Mata chipping in (literally) a third, all whilst Rooney bangs in the greatest hat-trick the world has ever seen.  The Irons won’t know what’s f*cking hit ‘em!!  1-0 West Ham.

About the author:  I really DO know @tom_mcghee in real life.  Yes, he really IS a massive b*ll.

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Brett:

I could take a loss at this point – abject disappointment has become a good friend of mine over the course of the season *abject disappointment whispers ‘I hate you’* – if it meant we didn’t have to sit through the physical embodiment of banter that is Kevin Nolan’s goal celebration sponsored by #LADS.

I’m a goal celebration lover make no mistake, cut me and I bleed knee-slides: Goal Celebrations, United, Wife, Kids – in that order. But that one … oh, and the golf swing one. Come to think of it, the pointing at the name on the shirt is a bit meh these days. The baby cradling’s had its day – when Bebeto did it. And while we’re here those alleged racist ones are a bit very racist for my liking. Almost forgot about the pointing upwards one; I know where the sky is, thanks all the same. Lifting up your shirt to reveal a ‘Keep Calm…’ message; sorry Berba. That Robbie Keane one. That one Chandler off of Friends did that time. The punch in the eyes that is the Daniel Sturridge thing. Not to mention the myriad affected ones. And how could we forget the one I got my team to do as a protest against fox hunting, where we played out a whole scene, with the fox emerging victorious. Actually, that one was pretty good. Are there any celebrations left?

You think you know yourself.

Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two (nice to have that back, like a warm hug). *A meat gag on account of the name Ham, with the punchline the stakes are too high (but steaks cos of the written/spoken thing)*

Bifurcated David texted me at the end of the first half to say: That’s my team.

*Yeah, no kisses again. Noted.

One more time with feeling…

I wonder if the same people behind the Premier League conspiracy, are in cohorts with the ones behind the Champions’ League one? Is it the same people?

One thing’s for sure: Shinji Kagawa is officially wasted on David Moyes. How much skill and amazingnessness does a player have to have? We owe it to Kags to re-visit the #FreeShinji campaign; get some funding through a kickstarter or from an appropriate body, and work towards a better future for our most talented asset … before it’s too late! Right, I came up with the idea to re-visit it, if you lot want to get on with that…

I’ve heard the ‘worst performance ever’ opinions from people rearding this game, but I don’t even think it’s our worst performance this month. And I’ve seen loads worse under Fergie. I get that context makes it feel worse, but I genuinely didn’t really feel like it was all that bad. We controlled the game in the first-half, until a split-second’s wonderful improvisation got them a goal. Then, understandably, we became nervous.

The main issue for me was how we (all of us) arrogantly underestimated Olympiacos. I barely get to watch United games, let alone Greece domestic league matches, so that was all yous jobs…

I texted Bifurcated David at the end of the match and asked: when does it get better? xxx

He replied: never ever

I know what you’re thinking: no kisses! Right! I mean, would it hurt to show me a little bit of affection every now and again?!

It’s all part of the rich narrative that ends in Champions’ League glory.

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Ben (Benglorious):

olimpyacos

olympiacos

oleempeeyakkos

olimpiakos

olimpiakos man united

olympiacos champions league

olympiyakos football

olimpeackos fixtures

how do you spell olimpiakos

[phone rings: *sighs* Yes, Mother?……  Well who else always bloody calls me when I’m doing my words?……  Sorry for snapping, the computer’s playing up……  It ISN’T the Google?!  FFS.  Well how do you…….  O……  L……  Y……  M……  P……  I……  A……  C…… What do you mean “or ‘K'”, that’s fu……  Sorry, Mum.  Please continue……  O……  S.  Yes, I’ve bloody written it down……  Yep, sorry……  Ooh, before you go, do you know anything about Greek f?……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  MUM!  I was gonna say “FOOTBALL”.  No son needs to hear that……  I’m sure it is painful to start with……  I don’t care, I can’t get that out of my head now……  I’m hanging up.]

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Prediction:  I…  I just…  I don’t care any more.

About the author:  I need the number of a therapist or a mad scientist to erase a couple of things from my brainbox.

Brett:

Hey! Did I tell you about the time I was in a greek restaurant with Midge Ure off of Ultravox and couldn’t make head nor tail of the menu on account of it being in a different language? I was really struggling, and was about to make this clear to my fellow diner, when I noticed a familiar item amongst the sweets … “This means nothing to me … Oh, Viennetta!”*

*Ben Young, if you’re reading this: I don’t want to fight about this again. Though it’s true, the bones of that joke were yours, I was the one who polished it up a bit and made it fit for consumption … but I’m finally willing to be the bigger man and share ownership. What do you reckon? While you’re here … I’m really sorry we haven’t spoken for (what is it now?) twelve years?! You really were a good friend – my best friend back then – when I was at college. I had trouble fitting in, but you saw through the shy, awkward facade and extended the hand of friendship to me, when I needed it most. I miss you very much. That day I came to London was such an exciting time: you at Goldsmiths, showing off; me, suitably impressed. Then, that night, when you told me you loved me and wanted to be more than friends. It took me by surprise, and though you said you understood my reasons as to why we could not be lovers, you never answered any calls from me from then on; you disappeared from my life entirely, and that really hurt. I haven’t seen or heard from you since. I hope you’re okay and have found happiness in your life. If upon reading this, you could appear from behind me looking all betrayed, and stab me, so as to complete the greek tragedy thing I’m doing, then that would be much appreciaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa etc…

Prediction: Ben Young to come out from behind me, while I’m doing the greek tragedy thing, looking all betrayed, and stab me to death.