Bifurcated Manchester United » Merry Christmas! https://bifurcated.co.uk Quasi-Futuristic Allegorical Football Meta-Narrative Sun, 24 Apr 2022 09:33:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.41 Fairytale of De Gea – A Song By Paul Off Of The Rant Cast https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-player/the-fairytale-of-de-gea-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rant-cast https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-player/the-fairytale-of-de-gea-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rant-cast#comments Tue, 24 Dec 2013 11:56:03 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=10917 Here we are again … simply enjoying another wonderful Christmas song!

]]> https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-player/the-fairytale-of-de-gea-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rant-cast/feed 0 Christmas 2012 https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/christmas-2012 https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/christmas-2012#comments Thu, 12 Dec 2013 16:38:04 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=10857

]]> https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/christmas-2012/feed 0 Canvey Island Cds, Tapes And Vinyl: Christmas Special – Revisited! https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/canvey-island/canvey-island-cds-tapes-and-vinyl-christmas-special https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/canvey-island/canvey-island-cds-tapes-and-vinyl-christmas-special#comments Tue, 10 Dec 2013 17:21:10 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=8276 United fan Santa (he wears red doesn’t he?!) was on the look out for Christmas spirit to help power his sleigh (or the narrative for those “non-believers”: your uncle/dad/step-dad in a red suit) was handed a first-class ticket to board the Bifurcated Train, so our Canvey Island family could imbue him with their individual Christmas spirit through the medium of song.

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The reindeer have been left at Bifurcated Towers while Brett feeds, waters and pets them – not like that!

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The conductor handed Santa a chocolate coin and wished him a very merry Christmas (he’s trying to get on the nice list … so transparent)!

There, of course, was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …

Canvey Island!

 

Santa stepped off the train and was ushered, like the others before him, towards the car park where he found the car-boot sale and the stall run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United player Eric Cantona. Who else?!

 

 

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Again, as it was approaching Christmas, the only stock on the stall was, of course, Christmas songs. Eric had a message for Old Saint Nick: “Bienvenue à Canvey Island à Noël, CD, cassettes et vinyles. Je ne vais pas lire le script. C’est Noël et d’ailleurs je suis Eric Cantona. Nous avons à chaque Noël stock unique jamais pressé ou enregistré, et notre famille ont choisi l’île de Canvey leurs favoris de tous les temps pour vous d’en profiter! Joyeux Noël!

 

… and these are what Christmas songs members of our Canvey Island family picked and why (in their own words) …

 

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Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie

Picked by Andrew Young (going on his Canvey trip in the new year)

“An anti-war protest song released by seminal punk label Stiff Records probably shouldn’t work as a Christmas song, but the Bavarian brass section and and line “I wish I was at home for Christmas” means that it does. 

 The lyrics are based on a soldier, worn down by the monotony of war contemplating the world carrying on at Christmas time from the cold, desolate confines of a trench. Whilst the video is based in what looks like WWI, there isn’t an actual ‘war’ in focus, it’s the concept of soldiers wanting an end to war in general and not to be still fighting at Christmas.

 The protagonist doesn’t sound angry, scared, demoralised, he just wants an end to war (a very noble ask at any time of year) and to be with his love, Mary Bradley who is waiting for him back at home.

 The utter desperation of war is not particularly Christmassy granted, but longing for or trying to get to people you can’t be with is a theme in Christmas songs from Elvis’ Blue Christmas, Mud’s Lonely This Christmas and Chris Rea’s Driving Home for Christmas, as well as being the basis of Home Alone, Die Hard and other classic Christmas films probably picked up elsewhere on this blog.

 The concept of wanting to be with those you know and love at Christmas is the driving factor behind this theme running through Christmas films and songs, this is because the thought of being alone at Christmas is unpleasant. Add that to the horrors of war and it’s pretty bleak subject matter. Fortunately Jona Lewis added an upbeat Bavarian brass section and some dum, dum, dums and people can forget about what are two important messages and just sing along.”

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“My favourite Christmas song would have to be Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie. In reality my favourite should be Fairy Tale of New York but I ruined that one November in 2007. The reason Stop the Cavalry took its place was 100% to do with the “dum dum dummy dum” tune throughout. Lyrically it’s quite dark, a stricken soldier pleading with Churchill to call back the troops from the war just in time for Christmas, but his pleas go unheard. As dark as the lyrics are, I genuinely don’t care for them. It’s all about the “dum dum dummy dum” to be honest. If it was a perfect world I think I’d prefer if the lyrics were about a toy that broke on Stephen’s Day (Boxing Day) or something; y’know keep the darkish theme but something that has happened to me, and us all, also.”

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Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

Picked by Angela Hallmark

“As per I CANNOT POSSIBLY NARROW THIS DOWN TO 1 & 1!

Man you ask for the IMPOSSIBLE!

Songs –

·         The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping

·         Jona Lewie – Stop the Cavalry

·         Mariah – All I Want for Christmas

·         The Darkness – Christmas Time (I shouldn’t need to explain why but I am going to cos it is MEGALOLZTASTIC. ‘Bell’s End’. ‘Ring Peace’. I don’t need to say anymore.)”

 (Brett – I can’t possibly let you have all four, especially as you’re  a repeat offender. So, I’m picking the one that no-one else has … and besides all the rest appear elsewhere :-D )

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One Horse Open Sleigh by Robert DeCormier Singers

Picked by Awate

“This is definitely the best Christmas song there is. It follows the original chord progression of the chorus which is so much more 3-dimensional compared to the pop-like simple chord structure of Jingle Bells. It gives it life.”

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Fairytale of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Picked by Birchy

“By far the best Xmas song. Beautiful.”
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 And Steph Doehler

“Favourite song has to be Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. Many people see it as an anti-Christmas song, but I love it. You know you’re on the lead up to Christmas when you hear it on the radio, which for me was 3rd December. Fantastic.”
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And Tricia

“I love Christmas music of all kinds – from Bing Crosby to Handel – but the song that I’m playing over and over on my iPod this season is The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York. Maybe it’s because so many good people I know are struggling right now and it tells a very real and unsentimental story about a couple who are in a bad way, but whose dreams of a better life are battered but still intact.  And isn’t Christmas all about hope? On the 25th anniversary of the song’s release, you can read more about it here. Merry Christmas!”
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Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town by The Jackson 5

 “I love little Michael. Who wouldn’t? This is just a beautiful Christmas song.”
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AND…

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All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

Both picked by Chewie

 “This has a great Phil Spector sound. Mariah sings it beautifully. The sentiment is ace. It’s been overplayed on things like DFS adverts but it’s my own personal fave. F*ck the cynics.”
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Christmas Lights by Coldplay

Picked by En Lim

“A Christmas song from my favourite band can’t go wrong, can it? : )  Coldplay makes me believe in the magic of Christmas – that it is the one holiday every year where people should be happy, where we should wish that all our troubles will be gone for at least one day. Hopeful, wistful, whatever you might call it. But Christmas is about trying to be happy and wanting the same sort of happiness for people around you.”
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Winter Wonderland by Macy Gray

Picked by Jay Goolaup

“I’ve gone for Winter Wonderland as sung by Macy Gray!”

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Last Christmas by Wham

Picked by Journo Jess

“My favourite Christmas song is Last Christmas by Wham! Although the lyrical content may seem a bit depressing it never fails to get me in the festive mood and apparently it’s the most downloaded Christmas song ever so I’m clearly not alone in my love for it.”
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Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End) by The Darkness

Picked by Liz Worsley

“More often than not I like a song because it reminds me of a special time. December 2003, and this song was playing on the radio in the car on the way home. I’d just finished my first semester at Manchester Uni and my dad picked me up to go home for the Christmas holidays with a bin bag full of clothes and a load of hefty Biology textbooks. That was a special Christmas because, although I was having a great time, leaving home made me appreciate my family, school friends and home comforts even more. Plus my oldest brother was coming back from his year out in America and I was so excited about everyone being together. For me, the best thing about Christmas is meeting up with people I miss and just like in the lyrics, I don’t want it to end!! Although The Darkness have disappeared off the music radar, they were massive in my 1st year with ‘I Believe in a thing called Love‘ being played at the Bop every week. I’m not a huge fan of them in general but these two songs remind me of the most amazing, magical months at Uni that I’ll never forget. Plus the video has a singing robot in it. What’s not to love about that?”

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Here We Come a Wassailing by Kate Rusby

Picked by Paul Ansorge

“My favourite Christmas song that isn’t totally obvious – I love the melody and the voice and the musicianship and everything. It sort of sums up my favourite things about Christmas which are love and sharing and making warmth in the cold with song and lights and good company.”
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Stille Nacht by Joseph Mohr and Franz Gruber

Picked by Pauline Gill

“Many moons ago, I worked and lived in Obertsdorf in Bavaria. Christmas was magical – lots of snow, incredible market selling lovely food and traditional wooden toys – the kind of Christmas I’d had in my head for years. My new German friends took me to a concert – this was played and sung along with by all assembled. My favourite Christmas song. Wonderful memories! Stille Nacht.”
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White Christmas by Bing Crosby

Picked by Silje Skarsbo

“My choice would be White Christmas. Sung by Bing Crosby, no one else. Love the song, calm and soothing. Everything Christmas should be, but isn’t. Still hate the Holiday though. I’m the grinch. Only less green. On a good day. Maybe.”
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Just Like Christmas by Low

Picked by Tatiana Nahai (going on her Canvey trip in the new year)

“It’s an absolutely beautiful song. I really love the lead singer, Mimi, as her voice is incredibly soothing. I’m also a really big fan of the drums and how experimental they are — something I always appreciate. But I love it primarily because it skips the commercialism and has a more melancholy tone, which goes deeper and captures the spirit so well. Rather than falling into the stereotype of what Christmas is supposed to be, the song talks about Christmas as an internal feeling. It’s the way you grew up, and what feels familiar to you. Which is something that makes sense to me, being a Jewish girl who loved Christmas for how it feels during Christmas time, rather than the traditions that I never really took part in.”

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O Holy Night by Sufjan Stevens

Picked by Tom Pattison

“I love loads and loads of Christmas music but have decided to go for a classically beautiful song. Regardless of spiritual belief, ‘O Holy Night’ is a spine tingling ode to hope and wonder. Kings Choir Cambridge and Weezer have both been responsible for very different yet brilliant versions but my favourite rendition comes from Sufjan Stevens. Listen and be inhabited by the spirit of Christmas.”
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Mary, Mary by Harry Belafonte

Picked by our very own David

“Favourite Christmas song right now is Mary, Mary by Harry Belafonte which I heard for the first time only very recently.”
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Up on the Housetop by The Jackson 5

Picked by our very own Brett

“I’m an unashamed lover of Christmas, and this is about as an unashamedly Christmassy as pop music gets. I have a ‘Motown at Christmas’ record from the 70s, that I stick on in December and this is the first song on the album: when I play this it means Christmas has officially arrived at ours. “
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Just before Santa headed back to the platform, the Eric “look-a-like” stallholder pointed him in the direction of the old abandoned DVD stall and asked him to pick out a Christmas film, for free, to watch when he got home.

 

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… And they picked …

 

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A Charlie Brown Christmas

Picked by Andrew Young (going on his Canvey trip in the new year)

“What is most important at Christmas? Over Indulgence? Religion? Commercialism? Funny jumpers? Nostalgia? Standing outside eating over-priced German sausages on little pieces of bread washed down with lager? 

 It means something different for everyone. For me it’s family and friends. It’s a wonderful time as everyone’s happy, I’ll see friends and family, catch up, share warmth and good tidings. 

 A Charlie Brown Christmas poses these questions. Charlie Brown, upset at the rampant commercialism of Christmas, wants his friends remember the real meaning of Christmas. He goes through a range of emotions in response to the rest of the gang’s celebratory mood. Even Snoopy gets in on the act by winner a competition for best Christmas decorations. Charlie chooses the Christmas tree that is to be used in the Christmas show, but instead of a picking a big garish, plastic tree he chooses the only natural tree available which is limp, flimsy and has bits falling off. At first the others laugh but then to make Charlie feel better they decorate the pathetic tree whilst he’s not there and when he sees it he’s delighted.

 It’s a perfect metaphor for what is for me the meaning of Christmas, no matter how sh*t things are friends and family can brighten it up!

 Add to this a brilliant jazz soundtrack by the Vince Guaraldi Trio, with most notably the Linus and Lucy song which has soundtracked many a Christmas for me, and you have the blueprint for a TV Christmas special.

 My last point on this is when I was reading up, I thought how much this reminded me of the 70s/80s, but it’s actually from 1965 which I guess proves it’s a timeless movie and enduring message.

It’s only 25 minutes long, go and watch it it’s wonderful!”

 

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Gremlins

AND…

Trading Places

Both picked by Angela Hallmark

“Films –

·         Elf – OBVS (Evil Murdoch stealing it away from me).

·         Trading Places – OBVS (is 1 of just BEST FILMS ever).

·         Gremlins – AMAZES XMAS FILM; especially the cinema bit.

·         When Harry Met Sally – see also Trading Places; I LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!”

(Brett – You can have two: two of my favourites no-one else has picked yet…)

 

Jingle All The Way

Picked by Awate

“It is a critique on consumerism. But it’s also ridiculous. It’s absolutely bonkers. Arnie is Arnie, the script is nonsensical and Sinbad is fantastic. My favourite line is when the bomb goes off and Sinbad says, “THIS IS A SICK WORLD WE’RE LIVING IN. SICK PEOPLE.” I watch it every year at The Prince Charles Cinema in London. Also, if you want a heavy deconstruction of it, listen to this“

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It’s a Wonderful Life

Picked by Chewie

 “Dark as f*ck, actually. I like this film so much I had the film poster in my office.”
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The Muppet Christmas Carol

Picked by Craig English

“When I was about eight or nine I went to see Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol and it scared the bejeebers out of me (actual bejeebers left my body). It was terrifying, and shouldn’t be watched by any child, neigh any person. What should be watched however is The Muppet Christmas Carol. A wonderful adaptation and watched yearly, a much more important Christmas movie than Home Alone in my opinion. The wonderful thing about the adaptation is the casting of the Muppets. I probably would’ve done something stupid like make Kermit the narrator. But the story that Gonzo and Rizzo tell is a lot better than the one I was told when I was eight. Even if the ghost of Christmas-Past in the Muppets version does freak me out a little too.”

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Love Actually

Picked by En Lim

“Because there’s nothing more heart-warming than watching serendipitous things happen over Christmas.”

Elf

Picked by Birchy

“That is a tough tough call as I have about 5 favourites, but if you are pushing me then I would go with Elf.”
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And  Steph Doehler

“Home Alone 2 is my childhood favourite. Raise your hand if you wished you were him in New York when you were little?! More recently Elf. I’m actually not a massive fan of Will Ferrell, but I do think this film is absolutely fantastic.”
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The Holiday

Picked by Journo Jess

“My favourite Christmas film is probably The Holiday. It has a great cast and Kate Winslet helps to add a touch of British to the film. It has something for everybody, it’s a lovely story and it’s really funny too. (The kid inside me also says a special mention for Home Alone 2 and the more recent Arthur Christmas, both brilliant films that although aimed at children I enjoy even as an adult!)”
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Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Picked by Liz Worsley

“Not technically a Christmas film (it’s about trying to get home for Thanksgiving) but I always love watching any film with John Candy in at Christmas … or any by John Hughes for that matter (e.g. Home Alone)! I love Elf aswell but because I’m an 80s child, this has been around longer. Plus it has one of my favourite movie scenes ever (the Ray Charles Mess Around scene … and the ensuing chaos that occurs in the car after)”

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A Muppet Family Christmas

Picked by Paul Ansorge

“As for film, it’s not a film but a glorious TV special “A Muppet Family Christmas”, one of the last things Jim Henson did before we lost him and a fantastic crossover between the Muppets, Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock which is both hilarious and heartwarming, in the best way the Muppets are.”

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Home Alone

Picked by Pauline Gill

“Fave Christmas film is desperately unoriginal – Home Alone – still making me laugh after all these years and as comfortable as your favourite old jumper!”

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Die Hard

Picked by Silje Skarsbo

“Blatantly a Christmas film. Willis shooting sh!t up? If that doesn’t scream Christmas I don’t know what does. “
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The Nightmare Before Christmas

Picked by Tatiana Nahai (going on her Canvey trip in the new year)

“My favorite Christmas movie”
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Home Alone 2

Picked byTom Pattison

“The one essential Christmas movie in Chez Pattison is Home Alone 2. The brilliance of Home Alone but transferred to the most iconic of modern cities; what’s not to like? Sequences of timeless slapstick comedy from Pesci and Culkin are punctuated by moments of genuine heartwarming human drama. I’m unashamed to say that the reunion between mum and son in front of the Rockefeller Centre tree provokes a tear every single time. Fun but with an important message – the truest sense of Christmas.”
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Scrooged

Picked by our very own Brett

“Well, if it hadn’t been acknowledged in this list already, I would have to go with Home Alone. I learned all the words when I was in my early teens – at 34, I still know them.  However, I’m picking Scrooged, a very close runner-up. Bill Murray AND Christmas. I’m not sure you’re allowed to ask for more than that.”
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We then dropped Santa off at his grotto (your uncle/dad/step dad off at his Pilates class), not before giving him a big kiss under the mistletoe. What?! And that was that – the final trip to Canvey Island of 2013. Thank you to everyone has taken the time to pick their musical loves for us again this year.

Remember, to see the original musical picks from any of the members of the Canvey Island Family simply click on their names.

If you want to become a member of the Canvey Island Family in 2014, then please refer to the train timetable at selected stations.

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

 (Click on this)

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Also available in the series (see below)…

]]> https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/canvey-island/canvey-island-cds-tapes-and-vinyl-christmas-special/feed 0 Little Drummer Eric – A song by Paul off of the Rantcast https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/merry-christmas/little-drummer-eric-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rantcast https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/merry-christmas/little-drummer-eric-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rantcast#comments Mon, 24 Dec 2012 10:58:58 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=8484 I asked Paul (@UtdRantcast) if he would like to collaborate on a Christmas song, with him providing the vocals, and me providing a film for it. I didn’t expect him to come up with something quite like this #Christmasmiracle (no offence Paul)…

 

 MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

]]> https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/merry-christmas/little-drummer-eric-a-song-by-paul-off-of-the-rantcast/feed 0 Christmas Special: Fairytale of (name removed on legal advice) https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/christmas-special-fairytale-of https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/christmas-special-fairytale-of#comments Wed, 21 Dec 2011 15:05:46 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=2191 It’s not just Christmas for us fans, NO! It’s also the Christmas party season for those little adorable angels employed by our favourite Premier League clubs!

 

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To get you feeling all snuggly warm and Christmassy, here’s a special rendition of a Christmas classic sung by two ex-Manchester United players whose on field partnership was so imbued with the true meaning of Christmas that they shared everything off the field too!

 

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Here’s the fairytale of a Christmas party gone by!

Unfortunately, for legal reasons we are unable to reveal the indentities of the two ex-Manchester United players, the details of their movements on that night or the identities of the other people(s) involved.

 

We’ve also taken the added precaution of removing any obscene language … well, it’s Christmas, you have to think of the children!

 

**********

 

It was Christmas Eve (name removed on legal advice),
In the (venue removed on legal advice)
 (name removed on legal advice) said to me, won’t see (name removed on legal advice).
And then (profanity removed on legal advice) a (profanity removed on legal advice).

The (description of sexual act removed on legal advice),
I turned my (body part removed on legal advice) away,
And dreamed about (profanity removed on legal advice)!

 

 

 

 

Got on a (profanity removed on legal advice),
Came in (sexual act removed on legal advice),
I’ve got a (body part removed on legal advice).

 

This (body part removed on legal advice) for (name removed on legal advice) and (name removed on legal advice)!
So happy Christmas,
I love (sexual act removed on legal advice).
I can see a (body part removed on legal advice),
When all our (body parts removed on legal advice) come (sexual act removed on legal advice).

 

 

They’ve got (body part removed on legal advice)
big as (name removed on legal advice),
They’ve got (body part removed on legal advice)
of (profanity removed on legal advice).

But the (body part removed on legal advice) goes right through (name removed on legal advice),
It’s no place for the (sexual act removed on legal advice).
When you first took my (body part removed on legal advice),
on a cold Christmas Eve,

You promised me
 (sexual act removed on legal advice)
was waiting for me!

 

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

 

You were (sexual act removed on legal advice)!

 

 

 

 

You were (sexual act removed on legal advice)!

(profanity removed on legal advice) of (place name removed on legal advice) City!

 

 

 

 

When the  (profanity removed on legal advice) finished (sexual act removed on legal advice), (names removed on legal advice) howled out for more!

 

 

 ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

 

(name removed on legal advice) was swinging,
All (profanity removed on legal advice) they were singing.

We (sexual act removed on legal advice),
Then (sexual act removed on legal advice) through the night!

 

 

The boys of the (company name removed on legal advice)
Were (sexual act removed on legal advice)!

 

And the (profanity removed on legal advice) were (sexual act removed on legal advice) Christmas day.

 

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

 

 

You’re a (sexual act removed on legal advice)!
You’re a (sexual act removed on legal advice)!

 

 

 

 

 

You’re an old (sexual act removed on legal advice),
Lying there almost (sexual act removed on legal advice) on (name removed on legal advice) in that bed!

 

 

 

 

You (sexual act removed on legal advice), you (sexual act removed on legal advice),
you cheap lousy (sexual act removed on legal advice)
Happy Christmas (profanity removed on legal advice)
I (sexual act removed on legal advice) it’s our (name removed on legal advice).

 

 

 

The boys of the(company name removed on legal advice) were (sexual act removed on legal advice)!

 

And the (profanity removed on legal advice) were (sexual act removed on legal advice) Christmas day!

 

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

 

 

 

I could have (sexual act removed on legal advice) someone!

 

 

 

 

Well so could (name removed on legal advice)!
You took my (profanity removed on legal advice) from me,
When I first (sexual act removed on legal advice) you.

 

 

I kept them (profanity removed on legal advice),
I (sexual act removed on legal advice) them with my (body part removed on legal advice),
Can’t (sexual act removed on legal advice) all alone,
I’ve (sexual act removed on legal advice) you!

 

 

 

 

The boys of the (company name removed on legal advice)
were(sexual act removed on legal advice)!

 

And the (profanity removed on legal advice) were (sexual act removed on legal advice) Christmas day!

 

**********

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

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