United fan and friend of Bifurcated, Tom Pattison (@TomPattison) was busy putting his fingers in his many social media pies – including the super United site Can They Score he co-runs, and the weekly Can They Score Podcast – when his laptop shut down automatically, displaying nothing but the ‘blue screen of death’. In the centre of the screen appeared a dot, which grew, and continued growing, and continued growing a bit more, and a bit more, then a little bit more, until Tom could just about make out what it was heading his way … The Bifurcated Train (‘The New Music Express’ – why haven’t we overused that ‘joke’?!)!
The conductor tossed him a £1 coin and held out his hand to lead Tom in the direction of the platform – pausing briefly to curtsy (No idea?! *Tap-tap-curly-wurly-cuckoo*). There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …
As Tom got off the train at the other end he was politely shoved towards the car park and the now familiar car-boot sale with the stall, run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United and St. Patrick’s Athletic player Paul McGrath!
As is the format with this twisted post, the character has a message: “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for a friend of a friend after a miscommunication over some flooring, anyhow, won’t bore you with the detail, this surreal made-up nonsense puts people off as it is … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at 5 for £1, you can enjoy picking your 5 favourites of all time?!”
“I’ve dabbled in naval gazing music writing before (link to http://listenwithdanger.blogspot.co.uk ) so I’m going to avoid repeating myself by strictly adhering to the oft-flouted Canvey Island singles rule. In addition I’ve been trying out a new positive attitude recently so all songs share an ability to lift the soul.”
“As no stranger to wallowing in 90s nostalgia it’d be remiss not to include unquestionably the finest band of the era. Panned at the time, ‘El Scorcho’ is the perfect embodiment of why Weezer were an absolute chaotic joy. Cuomo’s output might have been utter dross this millennium yet for giving the world The Blue Album and Pinkerton I would forgive him anything.”
“Teenage longing for new experiences led me to search across the Atlantic for both sporting and musical inspiration. Sat in my room in Kendal, watching the brilliant channel 4 show NBA 24/7, I was introduced to a trio of performers who I was reliably informed were ‘blowing up’ stateside. The opening 20secs of Fu-Gee-La were like a bomb had gone off in my brain. A world outside the comforts of Britpop was there for the taking. It still sounds as important and urgent today as the first time I heard it.”
“Being a teacher, I experience on a weekly basis that purest hit of pleasure – the bell that means school’s out for the weekend. Fortunately The Cure penned the perfect song to mark the occasion so at half past three every Friday, I really am in Love.”
“‘It might sound silly to think childish thoughts like these…’ If Hotel Yorba doesn’t put a smile on your face then nothing can. Utter nonsense yet deliriously happy. To be honest I could choose any number of tracks with Jack White’s involvement. Whether collaborating with Brendan Benson, Danger Mouse or his ex-wife the man has the midas touch.”
“As a young, uncoordinated, future centre back I loved nothing more than whirling around the front room. My Dad’s pedigree taste extends beyond his choice of football clubs into music. Along with Hendrix and The Beatles; Stevie Wonder was the inspiration behind my Napoleon Dynamite moves. Keeping with the positive theme, ‘Dont you worry bout a thing’ fits the bill perfectly.'”
Just before Tom headed back to the platform the Paul “look-a-like” stallholder pointed him in the direction of the old abandoned book stall and asked him to pick out a book – for free – for the journey home.
…and then we dropped Tom off – crossing our fingers that we didn’t have to pay for a new laptop – and did a runner!
Remember, you can follow Tom on twitter here > @TomPattison
Or catch up with him on his site here > Can They Score
Or listen to him on the podcast > Can They Score Podcast
To submit your own five favourite singles of all time and find yourself part of our amateurish kidnapping post, email us at: