Bifurcated Manchester United » Sir Alex

United’s Season Review 2018

Us — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 11:06:18 +0000

Bite us.

CL: United vs. Benfica

Us — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 19:29:00 +0000

(@Benglorious)

Having not watched the Spurs game due to being roped in to building some decking with the worst hangover of my adult life, I don’t feel I am in a position to comment on United’s form going into this Champions League match.

Prediction: We will fucking crush Benfica and make their six year-old goalkeeper cry. Lukaku to get cocky despite Han’s friendly warning. 0-0 United.

(@tom_mcghee)

“Football. Bloody Hell!” Now whilst Sir Alex was talking about…well let’s say some football, the words themselves could very easily be describing the new Assassin’s Creed game, if you don’t really pay attention to the words. It is set in Ancient Egypt and you play this guy who is proper mad at these other guys and you have an eagle and a camel but you can also have a horse and they help you get these bad guys aka the liberal media hahaha no not really they are also old Egyptians. S0 far, I would give it 4 out of 5 eagles.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

According to Vietnamese-dwelling Rob Brown it is a mess of 5 different films. As with 95% of Rob’s output, this is bearded nonsense; it is actually good. Worth it for the Rock, Paper, Scissors gag imho. And Jeff Goldblum is in it.

Prediction: Mourinho to actually leap into crowd and stab 16 United fans. 2-0 United based on no idea who we are playing. Hope this helps.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Dennis Viollet: A United Man (2016)

No sign of Fred the Red or Duncan from Blue. That aside, pretty good Nando’s.

Prediction: Mourinho will never be able to stab that many United fans during the match, cos they all live in London, and even travelling on the M6 toll road would only cut journey time by appr etc. 0-0 United

Paul’s House Puppets: Ferg

Brett — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 20:53:59 +0000

United 2013/14 Season Review

Us — Tue, 20 May 2014 01:27:57 +0000

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Bobbins: A Tale of Trying

King Alexander had ruled Traffordonia for nearly thirty years. He was much respected by his enemies and beloved by his people because during his reign the kingdom had flourished, and was the envy of the whole world. Alexander knew that his time as king was coming to an end and, with no heirs, had been thinking long and hard about who should replace him upon his retirement. After he’d announced that he would be giving up the throne, all the kingdom was rife with speculation as to who the new king would be. A lot of Alexander’s loyal subjects agreed that Joséph of the White Royal family would be ideal, but others pointed to his arrogance and the fact that he had previously been at war with Traffordonia as general of the humourless Chelsians.

Others pointed across the sea at Dortmundana, where the canny Jürgen had led his people through a triumphant uprising against their sworn enemies, the Bayernets. Jürgen admitted to being flattered at all the interest in him succeeding King Alexander, but his unwavering loyalty to his people would prevent him from leaving them to accept the crown.

In the end, it was a man called David whom King Alexander summoned to his palace one afternoon to bestow the kingdom of Traffordonia upon him. David was the mayor of a place called Toffeetown. Toffeetown was a nice place to live, even though it wasn’t the town it used to be. The people loved David, and he them. Under his rule, Toffeetown was neither a success nor a failure and the community accepted this period of benevolence with their natural good humour.

Alexander told his people that David was the man he had chosen to succeed him, and that they should love and obey David as they loved and obeyed their current king. David was known to the kingdom, and was respected as a shrewd tactitian because of the various skirmishes that had taken place between Toffeetown and Traffordonia. There was no ill will towards Toffeetown despite this, as both sets of people had a common enemy: the evil Pudlians. They were reviled due to their underhand tactics, lack of morals and the disgusting behaviour of their famous spearhead, Louis the Tooth.

David’s first act as king was to bring his fiercest warrior, Mary-Ann, from Toffeetown to bolster his troops. Mary-Ann was a pillar of Toffetown’s army, as strong as a tree, but many wondered where this chesty warrior would fit in with the army Alexander had left behind. All doubts were soon dispelled as David’s first battle ended with a treasure-filled victory over the Wigs, followed by an even more comfortable defeat of the Swans of the Sea. The people relaxed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that Alexander had appointed a worthy successor, one who would maintain their proud traditions.

The Traffordonian’s evil rivals, the Pudlians, soon put the dampeners on the feeling of joy felt throughout the kingdom as they swept aside David’s men. This was followed by yet another defeat, this time to the Blue Moon clan who lived just across the border. Spirits were raised again for a short time after a rout against the Levers across the sea, but this was short-lived after back to back losses against Toffeetown and Magpie Castle, both coming on home territory.

A poor defeat to the Sons of Derland ruined the chance of capturing any silverware, and this was followed by an embarrassing loss to the Chelsians, led by none other than Joséph who had switched allegiances from the White Royals after being overlooked for the kingship. Joséph must have felt some sympathy for David, as shortly afterwards he allowed one of his finest soldiers, John the Killer, to join the Traffordonian army.

This didn’t give the nation the fillip everyone was expecting. A crushing loss to the wildmen of Stokington and a dour stalemate with the vampires of Craven Cottage preceded a toothless defeat to the lowly Olympians on David’s continental crusade. Mutterings of his unworthiness for the crown were starting to be heard in various corners of the land, which started to gain volume and momentum after yet another defeat to the Pudlians. Some of David’s subjects started to call publicly for his head, but he managed to keep the wolf from the door by masterminding a revenge victory over the Olympians to continue his crusade.

John the Killer rallied the troops to claim a decisive and much needed win over the Villains of Aston, but the next opponents would not be so easy to dominate. The Bayernets had one of the strongest and fiercest armies in the world, and now they stood in David’s way. A tense first battle saw no quarter given and both sides left with honour intact. The second battle started well for the Traffordonians, with ageing stalwart Pat Everhard taking the fight to the Bayernets and catching them off-guard. However, this only angered the Bayernets and they swiftly countered before sending David’s men home, their campaign finished.

Rumours of David’s removal as king were now being touted by even the most loyal of his subjects, and it came as no surprise that he was overthrown after his next defeat, ironically to the people who’d once loved him: Toffeetown. Ryan Broslayer was appointed as steward of Traffordonia until such time as a new king could be found to resurrect the crumbling kingdom and restore its former glories.

In light of Traffordonia’s failures under David’s rule, both the Pudlians and the Blue Moon clan were vying for control of the kingdom. Both were longstanding rivals of Traffordonia but had been kept well subdued, for the most part, by Alexander’s dominance during his reign. He’d actually claimed the kingdom from the Pudlians many, many years ago and had instilled in his subjects the need to never let the evil Pudlians rule again. With this in mind, the Traffordonians were secretly supporting the Blue Moon clan in any way they could, barring treasonous acts.

For a long time it seemed that the Pudlians, marshalled by their talisman Stee-Gee, would be the ones to claim total victory. This would lead to a repeat of the dark days, spoken of by elders in hushed tones. However, calamity struck Stee-Gee on the battlefield as he slipped at a crucial moment, allowing the Chelsians to administer a telling defeat to the evil Pudlians, crushing their hopes and allowing the Blue Moon clan to swoop in and take the crown. The Traffordians grudgingly accepted the lesser of two evils as their betters, and swore fealty to the Blue Moon clan as their rightful rulers for the coming year.

Ryan Broslayer’s tenure as steward came to an end after the Blue Moon clan’s ultimate victory. The highly-decorated Louis Vangelis took over the reins in Ryan’s stead, but kept him on as his right-hand man. What happened after that? Well, that’s a story for another time. However, Traffordonians know deep in their hearts that the day will come when it is they who will be ruling once more, the balance will be restored and all will be right with the world.

The End

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

So it’s all over; another roller-coaster ride of thrills and excitement, culminating in a ‘down to the last day’ scenario and one more title. Oh UNITED? Why didn’t you say….

Got to be honest, I’ve already repressed most of this season (expecting it to come back to me in senility and those lonely nights in the home circa 2040) and as such, the review is going to be somewhat slap-dash; for the regular readers (who am I kidding? ‘Reader’. And thanks Dad) I know this lack of professionalism will shock and dismay you but hey, if fellas earning £200000+ a week can do it…

August 2013: Sir Alex who? A 4-1 drubbing of Mighty Swansea and a 0-0 draw againts the all-consuming genius that is Mourinho?! Business as usual then lads.

N.B If we were Liverpool, we’d’ve started singing ‘We’re going to win the league’ about now.

September 2013: Little bit of a speed-bump September; alright we got hammered by City, but it wasn’t 6-1 and yes, we did also lose to Liverpool but these things happened in the Fergie era – it’s a team in transition! We beat Palace for chrissakes. The West Brom thing was probably just a one-off freak result. And just look at us go in Europe!

October 2013: See? Beating Sunderland and Stoke is nothing to be sniffed at (See also: draws against European heavy-hitters Shakhtar & Real Sociedad).

November 2013: Victories against Fulham and league-leaders Arsenal put us right back in the hunt and Cardiff away is never easy. Megalolz at Fellaini in Europe – what a signing he’s turning out to be – but 5 against Leverkusen away is just the tonic we need. Now we’ll turn the corner.

December 2013: Four wins and a draw. Yes, defeats at home to both Everton and Newcastle do seem to be a negative but Dave is really trying and I’m sure we’re just not seeing his vision. Buy a gun just in case.

January 2014: Oh THAT Sir Alex. Sweet Jesus. Still, take that Wales. Oh wait. Beginning to think David isn’t the tactical super-genius we thought.

February 2014: Set new world record for number of crosses. Take this as a positive. And if you ignore the defeat to Stoke and the draw against Fulham, not a bad month – I mean, we drew with 4th place winners Arsenal. That Olympiakos thing was just West Brom all over again. Oil gun on daily basis now.

March 2014: Magnificent vengeance against the mighty West Brom, and we continue to lure Liverpool & City into thinking we’re not even trying to win the league and really stick it to Villa who, once again, are challenging for worst thing ever. What goes around comes around as Olympiakos get their just desserts at OT and we make the last eight.

April 2014: Get knocked out – comprehensively – by Bayern; I don’t think its hyperbole to say it was the biggest shock since sliced bread. However, now we’re rid of the tiresome distraction that is CL, starting to think Moyes is leaving it a bit late to make that final charge – mathematically, it seems impossible. In other news, Moyes sacked. Hand my gun into police – won’t be needing it now. Relative unknown Ryan Giggs made interim boss, smiles all across the land.

May 2014: Prepared suicide note in event of Liverpool win. Turned it into party invite where Steven Gerrard’s slip is shown on continuous loop. Season ends with Vidic and Rio leaving (I knew Vidic was going when I saw him sign that Milan contract), hope ensuing vacuum sucks both Cleverley and Young to a parallel world where they aren’t subjected to constant ridicule. Seems unlikely. Louis Van Gaal touted as next boss but at the time of writing, no official confirmation. Thousands of Vines though. So that’s good.

Its quite probable that having read this review, you might’ve noticed some glaring omissions – there’s no mention of the league cup for instance – but this is because I don’t believe in it; either way, feel free to not bring any of them to my attention. Its also highly probable that if you started reading this, you possibly – and justifiably – gave up way before now. If so, you’ve gone up in my estimation.

About the author:

Invented Glass, starred in Miss Saigon for 24 consecutive years.

Abhay (Ab5Y) :

The unholy has been avoided. Liverpool will go another season without adding to their eighteen league crowns. While this may bring some amount of solace to Man United fans (especially the ones of a certain vintage who have seen the Merseyside team truly dominate English football), it does scarce to ease the pain of a season which to date is the worst United have had to endure in the Premier League era.

What does ease the pain, however, is the tangible hope that the 2013/14 season will go down as a blip rather than a turning point in the history of Manchester United FC. Strong rumours of the impending arrival of Louis van Gaal mean that the fans, and a fair portion of the players (not least a certain horse placenta connoisseur) remain optimistic of returning to their rightful place at the helm of the league table in the coming season. Along with that, there is also the indication that United are keen on buying football players actually worthy of playing for Manchester United, especially in the center of midfield. This is certainly heartening news for those who aren’t entirely pleased with Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, Marouane Fellaini and the soon to be former Manchester United player/personal entertainer and jester to Alex Ferguson, Anderson.

If and when van Gaal takes charge of this Manchester United squad, one can expect a throwback to the heady days of 90s attacking and flair football. Old Trafford hasn’t seen such football, featuring gay abandonment, consistently since Vincent del Bosque’s Real Madrid were the victors in a clash between tactical astuteness and “tactical anarchy”. Since then, Sir Alex Ferguson became decidedly more possession minded in the way he set out his playing elevens. It was a transformation that was largely accepted whilst the trophies kept rolling in. But with two trophyless years since 2011, the return of attacking football in its purest essence will be a welcome sight for those making the trip down Sir Matt Busby Way.

If the hopes of the reported 600 million people worldwide, who claim to support “Man U”, are realized, the 2014/15 season could see Manchester United and Liverpool compete for the title. But unlike the last time it happened (2008/09), this time promises to be the start of rivalry that could last more than just one season.

For starters, there seems to be no danger of Brendan Rodgers going off on a rant about how van Gaal has, or will doubtless have, the FA in his pocket. For the main course, Rodgers also seems to be hell bent on not wanting to exchange his best players for Gareth Barry. For dessert, Rodgers is just a good manager through and through, and not a ‘flawed genius’.

With Chelsea under Jose Mourinho looking set to buy a world class striker in the summer, and Arsenal and Manchester City also almost certain to strengthen in order to build on their numerous positives this season, the fight for the league will be might tougher next season than it has been these past eight months. If Tottenham finally manage to find a manager capable of getting the best out of an expensively assembled squad, and Everton continue their rise under Roberto Martinez, even getting top four will be a sizable challenge.

Yet, barring City, none of the teams in the PL have the same quality in their squad that Manchester United already possess. But while City have a treasure trove of world class players to call upon whenever a need arises, Liverpool have something far more powerful: the call of destiny. Whether one believes in such a thing or not, it is undeniable that Liverpool supporters and a large proportion of their players know and understand the rich history of their club. There is an aura about Anfield, the Liver bird, the kop, the Shankly gates, and everything that goes with that club, that, though dimmed in the past two and a half decades, can still turn LFC into a fearsome and dominating trophy machine. Only Manchester United’s own history and traditions can compare, and hence only United can stop the mayhem that Liverpool will create under Rodgers now that they have tasted blood.

Brett:

I did one for ROM on Vidic and then ran out of

Alex Ferguson: My Autobiography

Brett — Fri, 28 Mar 2014 12:53:57 +0000

All you need to know about this book is conveyed by the choice of titles for the chapters.

This is a different book if released at a later date. A better book. A much better book.

Yep, that’s it. I already said the bit about the chapters.

That really is it.

Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl: Goodbyes…

Brett — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:43:21 +0000

We thought this Canvey ‘Goodbye Special’ might coincide with Scholesy saying goodbye; then it was definitely going to coincide with Bifurcated saying goodbye; and now here we are saying goodbye to Fergie AND Scholesy, while Bifurcated is carrying on. Hey! Football Gods!! – you took the wrong ones … come back for us!

The conductor handed Fergie and Scholesy his soaking wet hanky (he’s totally lost it) and helped them aboard as snot bubbles formed around his nose.

There, of course, was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …

Canvey Island!

Fergie and Scholesy stepped off the train and were ushered, like the others before them, towards the car park where they found the car-boot sale and the stall run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United player Eric Cantona.

Eric had a message for both of them: “Bonjour et bienvenue … non! Je ne peux pas faire ça, c’est trop. Je vais rester ici et tranquillement pleurer pour moi. Par ailleurs, la décision dont il était de laisser Steve Bruce et Robbo main vous le trophée et … N’allons pas là. Voici ce que la famille a choisi pour vous …”

… and these are the Goodbye songs members of our Canvey Island family picked and why (in their own words) …

Stay by Lisa Loeb

Picked by Angela Hallmark

“For the glasses, for the tormented teen lyrics, for exactly how I feel right now.

That is all

PS – I have gone all drama-rama on this now

PPS – include the ps if you wish

PPPS – WHY COULDNT WE HAVE JUST GOT SOMEONE HOT”

(also this one: “it spoke to me”)

Travellin’ Man by Mos Def

Picked by Awate

“This is one of the best songs in the human life. Like, just accept it. It’s beautiful, it’s emotive, it’s just awesome. DJ Honda on the beats crafts a beautiful sampled number with boom-bap drums that tells a story on its own. Big Mos drops two of the finest verses he has ever crafted. Both dealing with issues of saying so long to those you love. They are also quite technical verses from the rapping standpoint, especially the rhyme scheme in the middle of the first verse but he makes it seem effortless. This is Mos (now known as Yasiin Bey) at one of his two best periods to date. This song came out between the release of the legendary Black Star album with Talib Kweli and Mos’ first solo effort, the classic, Black On Both Sides. I think out of the gazillion times I’ve seen him perform, he’s done this song twice and both times, you look around and see grown men reciting the lyrics with tears in their eyes, remembering relationships and loved ones lost. Sometimes the people in attendance who feel this song in their soul have names like Awate. Play this at my funeral.”

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

Picked by Jay Goolaup

“This could represent another season “biting the dust”, or maybe it’s Sir Alex doing the “biting”. Or Mancini! I could go on…”

Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen

Picked by Liz Worsley

“Poignant in so many ways, this is my ultimate goodbye song. As much as we’d love Sir Alex to be timeless like one of the Immortals in the film Highlander, no one lives forever. And as Heraclitus the philosopher once said, “nothing endures but change”.”

All Things Must Pass by George Harrison

Picked by Paul Ansorge

“Given this week. And I would like to dedicate it to Paul Scholes, for the double meaning.”

Long May You Run by Paul Young

Picked by Pauline Gill

“If there is one thing I could say to Scholes and SAF it is this. ‘Long May You Run’. Soppy sentiment maybe, but I don’t care!”

Last Worthless Evening by Don Henley

Picked by Silje Skarsbo

“I was going to say something funny, but I’m not really sure how able to amuse I would be at the moment. Instead I’ve picked a song about heartbreak, but getting ready to love and accepting someone new into your heart. You have to admit, it’s fitting. Plus, it does get kinda funny when you imagine Moyes singing the song. I’m a soppy git”

Goodnight Hollywood Blvd by Ryan Adams

Picked by Tom Pattison

“The greatest songwriter of my lifetime manages to make a simple farewell achingly beautiful, brimming with hope and despair in equal measure. Melancholic genius.”

.

I am Goodbye by Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy

Picked by our very own David

“For the beard and the line “like the end of something wonderful”

Another Man’s Done Gone by Woody Guthrie

Picked by our very own Brett

“Billy Bragg putting Woody Guthrie’s words to music is a double bounce on a trampoline. Play this at my funeral (That sounds better, if Awate hasn’t already said it (I wrote it first, so there. Ruddy alphabetical order)). p.s Because I was making my little Fergie tribute film, the music I used for that has become my personal soundtrack to my experience of the past couple of weeks”

.

.

And then we dropped off the Canvey Island Family, giving them all a big hug, as we waved goodbye to Fergie and Paul …

******

Remember, to see the original musical picks from any of the members of the Canvey Island Family simply click on their names.

If you want to become a member of the Canvey Island Family, then please refer to the train timetable at selected stations, or easier still, drop us an email.

*******

Also available in the series (see below)…

38. Fergie

Brett — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:41:23 +0000

Come on feel the Moyes…

Brett — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:14:14 +0000

I met David Moyes once – I was working in a hotel as a ‘meeter and greeter’ (though a more accurate description of that job should’ve been, ‘a sounding board for abusive stag group bants and lols’), when inamongst the usual faces, indifferent to my breezy offers of assistance, I spied a very familiar one. In the hotel reception at the time there were a group of stags, all wearing football shirts, and there was David Moyes in the middle of them all, staring at a brochure of nothing in particular in order to give the illusion that it was something he was interested in, so as not to bring attention to himself (a bit like that thing you do when you see someone in the street you recognise, but aren’t really in the mood for). I asked him if I could be of assistance and, via an awkward sideways glance which avoided direct eye contact, he said yes, that he needed directions. I glanced at the stag group and then extended a friendly arm, half-directional, half-protective and led him to some relative sanctuary, at the periphery of the commotion. He appreciated the gesture and relaxed. At no point did I let on that I knew he was The David Moyes. We chatted briefly, I gave him directions and we said goodbye with a smile. There wasn’t anything specific about the encounter that led me to the conclusion that followed, but the warmth that permeated those few moments was palpable: ‘he’s a genuinely nice human being’, I thought, and those piercing eyes, that we’re all so familiar with, seemed less so than on the telly. ‘He’s one of the goodies’, I thought, and I fell deeply in like.

That was a good couple of years ago now and I remember thinking to myself at the time – because, of course, even back then David Moyes was being touted as Fergie’s replacement – that I wouldn’t mind that really nice human being, being the manager of my football club. It was a comforting feeling and one that was reinforced at various stages throughout his time at Everton. However, this was – although I didn’t really know it at the time – based on a deep-seated fallacy that Fergie was immortal and there would never be a time when he would not be United’s manager. When that stopped happening, the actualisation of David Moyes being the manager of my club wasn’t immediately comforting at all.

Maybe I’d also been a little seduced by the prospect of having a big personality managing us, crash-banging-and-walloping us along a different path, fully introducing us to all the afflictions and affectations of ‘modern football’, ‘cus that could be a lot of fun; and isn’t football going that way anyway, whether we go quietly or not? Why not embrace it? Or, perhaps, I was getting caught up in the eulogising of Fergie – I mean, how do you replace the irreplaceable? It’s also quite possible I was just in shock. Either way, at that moment, Moyes … just didn’t fit.

However, the thing with the ‘big personality’ managing us – and let’s not pretend we’re talking about anyone else here but Mourinho (though the same could be said for others) – is that in repeatedly punctuating the character that they themselves have crafted for us with the unpredictable, they make the unpredictable, predictable; which in turn becomes boring; and that’s not my idea of fun.

Then, the thing with replacing Fergie is that the idea of one person being able to replace another is a deeply flawed concept. No-one has the necessary experience to deal with any given situation until right after the point at which they needed it the most. In addition, no two situations are the same and no two people experience the same experience in the same way as the other. Things could have so easily have gone wrong for Fergie (and did) and could so easily go wrong for David Moyes (and will), or Jose Mourinho (and would have).

Finally, when I think of my “relationship” with Fergie and why I had so much affection for him, I think of him smiling. He exudes a genuine warmth (when he’s on form), which points to there being a very real human being in there, and this allowed me, in my mind, to draw a line back to David Moyes.

As I’ve written before, I want the players and managers I support to be susceptible to all facets of the human condition: paralysed by self-doubt, enraged and empowered by injustice, driven by their own narcissism, revelling in exacted revenge, foregoing their professionalism to embrace the inherent propensity in all of us to behave like a child – because it’s those things that make football brilliant and I want them to feel real. But I also want to like these people a lot – and even love them in some cases – and I can only do that after I’ve found a way of relating to them in some way. After the relatedness the relationship can evolve and develop through a series of events that allow me to trust and then build on that trust. I like to think of this as a truism for all relationships; real ones in the real world, or fantasy ones in the football one.

David Moyes is a real human being and I have remembered how I found comfort in that. He’s taking a risk and leaving himself vulnerable, which indicates to me that he’s ready to work really hard to prove himself. I trust that he will be trying his best to do this and that, as a starting point, is enough for me. No-one really knows what’s going to happen next, and that is my idea of fun.

Our New Manager

Brett — Thu, 23 May 2013 12:31:15 +0000

Ourstory: Goodbye Fergie (A Short Film)

Brett — Sat, 18 May 2013 00:20:52 +0000