Case File #1: The Diving Hell and the Footer Spy.

He may no longer play for United,
but we have managed to get our grubby
little hands on the archived, top-secret,
investigations he undertook while he was
still under our employment...

 

Raised in the crime capital of Europe, Liverpool. Micky has spent most of his covert investigative career in the underworld of gambling cartels. That was until SAF offered him a contract to protect the integrity of the players of Manchester United Football Club.

 

It was a normal Saturday like any other. I was warming the bench, behind the bench, behind the subs bench. I was thumbing through the Racing Post, snacking on a packet of Walkers. All of a sudden I was rocked back as SAF began choking on his Wrigleys, he peered over me pointing at one of the articles. It was suggesting that some Premiership players were in fact big girls blouses, spoilt by the incomprehensible amount of money they were paid and that the over-acting antics displayed by many of them was the epitome of the traits that are rife and bringing the modern game into disrepute. I agreed with the sentiment especially when the usual suspects were mentioned in the story, Didier Drogba, Emmanuel Eboue and Marco Materazzi…but wait…STOP THE PRESS!! Also included were the names of Luís Nani and Nemanja Vidic. Something would have to be done and fast, this was an abomination!

After a few calls I received notice from Julian Assange via carrier pigeon that he knew the whereabouts of some top secret government files that would unequivocally clear my team mates and their good names. He had arranged a canoe to take me from Aberystwyth across to Miami, Florida at 09:00 hours the following day and then I should arrange my own transport to the Pentagon, Virginia.

 

SAF quickly put the usual wheels in motion, presenting a statement to the press that I had, “picked up a knock in training and may be out for 2-3 weeks”, so as not arouse suspicion as to my whereabouts.

On arriving I boarded my specially adapted all terrain vehicle, an electric wheelchair and made haste to Washington. Within weeks I was at the back door of the Pentagon building. Using my uncanny ability to unlock any defence I was soon inside. The key Assange had left me under the plant pot was also a great help.

 

The files as promised were all there: Stephen Hawking a big United Fan had arranged a top secret time-travel workshop with all players from the club who were big fans of his book ‘A Brief History of Time’. The document explained that within the workshop he had maintained the possibility for the creation of an individual wormhole vortex.

The notes suggest that a person (lets say a professional footballer), under extreme stress (lets say caused by provocation from another player) could bury themselves into a dark material (a pair of woolly gloves) and shake vigorously (role around on the floor) and that this sequence of events may create a hole in the time space continuum and push science into the future.

This was encouraged by Hawking to be attempted wherever possible and that the survival of the earth could depend on it. The names of the players who had taken part in this workshop were none other than our very own Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha (Nani to me and you) and Nemanja Vidic.

 

Case closed.

 

So remember next time you catch anyone remonstrating towards any United player, tell them to think again. I will not rest until the integrity of the players at Manchester United are entirely intact! See you next month.

 

Keep them peeled.

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