March 2016

United 0 - 0 Chelsea

United 0 – 0 Chelsea

David Moyes must be turning in his shallow grave. At least that would explain why the top soil is moving. Which one of us decided burying him alive was the best idea? How was I to know his skin was fire-retardant? Thank god I had the genius idea to remove his teeth. And that £2.80 […]

Stoke 2 - 0 United

Stoke 2 – 0 United

Us can’t even remember if this was 2-1 or 2-0 tbh. Luckily no one keeps score. That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the […]

United vs Chelsea

United vs Chelsea

     Benno (@Benglorious) All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point. Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. […]

Stoke vs United

Stoke vs United

   Benno (@Benglorious) It’s Christmas. Can’t believe our ruddy brave heroic footballers are actually playing football instead of watching Simpsons repeats or pretending to love their families. Prediction: Vangle to slam those h8trz with goals and points. Three of each is exactly what Dr Nick ordered. Hi, everybody! 0-0 United.     Tom (@tom_mcghee) SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS […]

United 1 – 2 Norwich

At least we’re now seeing more goals than a tin of Scholes. Though we’re scoring less goals than a tin of Roondogs from Aldi. With less defence than a french garden without a fence. And seeing more useless passes than an event that gives out free passes that no-one actually wants to attend. Here’s 5 […]

United vs Norwich

United vs Norwich

 Benno (@Benglorious) I just really really want to see the Paul’s House Christmas special that Brett did the puppets for..! Pllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeee! Prediction: 23,000 views.    Tom (@tom_mcghee) MEEEEEE TOO! Can you post it on your bit Brett? Pleeeeeeaaaasssseeeeeeeeee! Prediction:  Pretty pleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeee! .  Brett(@onement) Tbh out of respect for your two’s craft, I was going to keep […]

Bournemouth 2 – 1 United

All this learning is tiring. If we have to learn so much, how come Vangle gets away with it. Must have some candids of the chief of learningdom’s wife. As for the match: that’s now 8 goals in two games like the swashbucklingnessisms you all deserved. And David Savids is catching (lol @ catching) the […]

Bournemouth vs United

Bournemouth vs United

 Benno (@Benglorious) Matt Damon’s gob or whatever. Not even checking Brett’s to see if he’s already done that gag. I hope he has and I hope he cries. You NEVER make fun of another man’s trainers, even if they are made from seagulls. Which brings us nicely back to Bournemouth who are nicknamed the Seagulls. […]

Wolfsburg 3 – 2 United

BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA (1/-1)   Here’s five things we learned from Europa League qualification: Swan) We couldn’t keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Twit twoo) Louis van Gaal is a fraud. When I mispronounce stuff I just get laughed at but he seems to have made it into a whole career. Tree-creeper) The whole […]

Wolfsburg vs United

Wolfsburg vs United

 Benno (@Benglorious) You know those days when you get a weird flash of inspiration? Those days when a flippant comment gives you the idea that will change your life? Juan Mata as a pirate was going to be mine. Let me set the scene: A completely out of character interruption of someone else’s Twitter conversation. The […]

United 0 – 0 West Ham

Louis Van G0-0L more like. 5 things we have learned this week: l) If you don’t watch it, it doesn’t annoy you as much. z) Why wasn’t Rooney playing? Would’ve been a different story then! E) X-Files was/is really good. h) When working with industrial-grade solvents you should open some windows. Just one would have […]

United vs West Ham

United vs West Ham

 Benno (@Benglorious) Strike a light me old china plate (mate), put down your dog n’ bone (phone) for a while and gather round the old Joanna (pianna (piano)) for a right old Cockney knees-up (a weird dance that looks like running on the spot).  Why is everything classed as ‘old’ for those loveable scamps who […]

Bi-Mark: Footballiversity

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Bi-Konny: Michael Owen Reads Mean Tweets...

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