Case File #7: The Spy Who Shafted Me
He may no longer play for United,
but we have managed to get our grubby
little hands on the archived, top-secret,
investigations he undertook while he was
still under our employment...
At Manchester United, without having regular football as a distraction, Micky Owen was allowed to develop his detective skills. Under the tutelage of his spirit guide Eric and with the help of his trusty side-kick Hargo he was providing the club and SAF with something very important. What that exactly was, no one could quite decide.
It was a typical match day. I was in the dressing room thumping the wall, high-fiving the lads and gearing up for the top of the table clash with City. Wazza had just tweeted me a good luck message, he’d grabbed a couple of goals in the Car Boot Cup in midweek and was wishing me well in breaking the all-time United consecutive goal scoring record. He was so jealous, but I didn’t let on I knew.
I’d chosen Phil Collins for the pre-match stereo selection like I always did and we were all getting down to it. ♫I can feel it coming in the air tonight ♫ I sang while pointing at my white hot boots. I casually wandered over to where Gibbo was sitting alone at the far end by the showers and asked him if he was looking forward to getting a game. “I’m not playing today Micky” he replied. “Ha, HA, HA HA I know, I was just pulling your pud”! As I turned to see if anyone had heard my amazing put down, the room all looked over and burst in to raucous laughter. Me, Vida and SAF were rolling on the floor in bits. “Did you hear what he just said … I KNOW”! “Hey, Micky” said SAF as we were helping each other up off the floor “… Micky … Hey Micky, Michael … Michael … MICHEAL!!”!! “Huh?” What the … Oh, it was just a dream…” SAF was stood over me chewing his gum so hard that some local builders had started shovelling sand and water into his mouth while he wasn’t looking for next door’s drive. “WHERE IS HARGO MICKY?!?” He screamed at me. “Well …” I began to respond. “SHUT UP WILL YOU?!?” He screamed again. “Oka…” I began to reply again. “I SAID SHUT UP DIDN’T I”?!? He bellowed at my face. “Ye…” I began to reply. “WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?” He shrilled again. “You said…” I’M NOT ASKING YOU TO TALK… “Well they were questions” I replied. When I came to he threw down some papers on to the bed “LOOK AT THIS…” The documents outlined plans to have Mike Phelan sectioned…”Oh, sorry Micky not those … THIS…” said SAF hurriedly picking up the doctor’s notes. STOP THE PRESS! The article headline read HARGO TO CITY!
“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Something would have to be done and fast!
SAF left with the strict instructions for me to get to the bottom of this whole mess, I turned to Hargo…
“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(I presume Brett and David have issued 4D specs and issued all regular readers with the state-of-the-art data scanning device)
*Scan barcode to cue montage of Hargo and Micky frolicking in a shallow pool and playing with a kite on a not particularly windy day with Phil Collins ‘Against All Odds’ as the soundtrack, culminating in some man hugs and general intense shared stares with single droplets of sweat pouring down both of their foreheads. Intermingled with hearty guffaws on rainy days*
After watching the montage for the rest of the day, I cleared up the mound of Kleenex (FROM TEARS, PERVERTS)(FROM MY EYES, PERVERTS)(THE ONES ON MY FACE, PERVERTS) and headed out to the garden to ask Eric what to do. “Well Micky, Brett has filled up most of the page with the ‘NNNNNNOOOOOO joke’ he has already bored everyone with at least twice on Twitter, so unfortunately you’re going to have to wait till the next installment for the second part of the story.” Case to be continued…
I will not rest until the integrity of Manchester United is upheld. Although, the second part to this particular story doesn’t appear for another month, so I might pop off down to Devon for a couple of days with the family.
