Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:
Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.
Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.
Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.
Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.
Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths
Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh
Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.
Tom: Just fuck off
Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.
Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif
Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.
Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.
Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.
Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.
Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.
Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.
Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).
Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.
Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.
Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.
Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.
Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.
Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.
Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.
Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)
Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.
Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.
Tom: Yes. Yes it was.
Brett: I have started a petition to hav