Case File #2: Dial M for Micky.

He may no longer play for United,
but we have managed to get our grubby
little hands on  the archived, top-secret,
investigations he undertook while he was
still under our employment...

After plying his trade in Europe’s shanty town, Liverpool, Micky Owen spent most of his investigative career embroiled in English and Spanish gambling cartels. That was until Sir Alex Ferguson found him,  floundering  on a park bench (St. James’s Park) and offered him a contract to protect the integrity of the players and staff of Manchester United Football Club.

 

It was a normal Friday evening like any other. I was at the card table sipping on a Gin and Lucozade. It wasn’t my night, so I decided to call it a day. I waved farewell to Mike Ashley and Alan Pardew who were playing craps together in the corner, they were always playing craps.  Two guys, one cup, enough said. I nodded to Roman Abramovich as I left; he was sitting in a lower position at the ‘premier table’ throwing money at the game but not winning anything.

 

As I stepped outside there was a screech of tyres breaking…It was the SAF Mobile! I instinctively knew something was wrong. Wazza and Ravel Morisson didn’t even hang out round here. Micky Phelan wound the window down and Sir Alex poked his head out, he was chewing so hard I thought he was going to dislocate his jaw! He thrust some print outs from the tinterweb in to my hand and gestured for me to read. The article was discussing the recent ‘Respect’ campaign launched by the footballing authorities and in it they were lambasting managers who had bought the game into disrepute by inappropriately commenting on referees. I agreed with the sentiment, especially when names such as Wenger, Redknapp, Coyle and Warnock were mentioned …But STOP THE PRESS!!! The article went on to accuse Sir Alex himself of being one of the main perpetrators of this heinous crime…

This was tantamount to treason. “Michael, Michael?” Sir Alex shouted behind me as I limped off into the night, but I didn’t have time to say goodbye, something would have to be done and fast.

 

After calling in a few contacts I received word from Andy McNab via a long piece of string with a paper cup on each end that he knew of the whereabouts of the evidence that would undoubtedly clear Sir Alex’s good name. McNab had worked with the S.A.S on a similar case (when Alan and Chris were still at Blackburn) so I knew I could trust him.

I’d  rented my all terrain wheelchair to Hargo for the weekend so had to make my way on my bionic legs, sometimes referred to as ‘crutches’.  Sir Alex had already put the press off the scent, issuing a statement that I had ‘aggravated my groin in training and would be out for another 2-3 weeks”.

In no time at all (about 12 days), I arrived at the address in Cheshire, McNab had painstakingly found for me. Something terrible was afoot, I could see Cathy Ferguson, Sir Alex’s wife inside the property…cooking! 

I let myself in via a patio door round the back and made my way to the study to find the box files I was looking for. With my instinctive nature inside the box, I soon found what I was looking for. The colour coding and alphabetised system also came in handy. But then, the lights flicked on! I turned to see Sir Alex standing over me and with an almighty hairdryer he said “Looking for this wee Micky”?! He put the almighty hairdryer down, explaining his hair had really needed a good drying and placed down beside it a document entitled ‘Timetable of voluntary work for The Samaritans’.  

Sir Alex explained that he had been shouting me the other night to see if I wanted a lift round to his house, where we were now, so he could explain to me what was going on, but I’d disappeared before he could get my attention.

Being a life long volunteer for The Samaritans Sir Alex had been scheduled to work on Saturdays through April and ‘man the phones’. The Glazers, being very uncharitable folk, had refused Sir Alex compassionate leave and suggested that revealing his caring nature may be seen in the media and with rival clubs as a weakness and had suggested he find an alternative means of operating the phone lines on match days (That’s why he sat in the crowd hat time on the blower!).

As a final twist, Sir Alex introduced me to their dinner guest that evening and fellow Samaritans volunteer…Martin Atkinson. They had come up with the whole covert plan together. Martin added, “Sometimes I can’t switch off from my voluntary charitable work and give decisions to the less privileged players and clubs who need a helping hand against United!” We all heartily laughed.

Case closed.

 

Due to its sensitive nature this article will self destruct on completion of its reading ………… Oh, you’re still reading? Okay, I’ll try and get that function sorted for next time. If you’ve downloaded it as a hard copy, then just burn it. If you’ve saved it to your hard drive then chuck your laptop in the nearest incinerator, Thank you.

I will not rest until the integrity of Manchester United is upheld.

Keep ‘em peeled!

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