Case File #3: Filing Blanks
He may no longer play for United,
but we have managed to get our grubby
little hands on the archived, top-secret,
investigations he undertook while he was
still under our employment...
Since escaping the evil clutches of Liverpool’s gang of petty criminals. Micky Owen has spent most of his investigative career ensconced in the underbelly of the horse racing fraternity. Sir Alex Ferguson recognised the potential in Micky and offered him the opportunity to fine tune his craft for long periods of time without having football as a distraction.
It was just your average Thursday. I was at the stable hosing down one of the horses I had recently acquired since working for United, that I’d affectionately named Dion Dublin. I’d also just bought a donkey cross (it had a horses head) for the kids I was calling Obertan. My Step-father Alan Shearer was with me, we’d just had a big win at the last meeting so he had got to work on creosoting a fence to celebrate. Now that’s living.
As I walked across to one of the barns I spotted Arsene Wenger round the back, at the entrance to the glue factory. He was trying to sell one of the poor mares we’d had put down last week…He was always flogging a dead horse. Further to this Fernando Torres was inside the barn taking in some extra training, he’d bought one of George Formby’s instruments off E-bay and borrowed a bovine from the a local farmer. He’d been in there for months but still hadn’t hit the cows arse with the banjo.
As I headed inside for a cuppa with a copy of the racing post I spotted SAF heading up the driveway with Ruud van Nistlerooy. As he got closer I soon realised he was actually just bringing one of his own horses with him to show me. SAF’s mouth was masticating so frantically I though his head was going to dislodge from his shoulders! Mike Phelan was with him and he had one of the red top newspapers wedged in his mouth. “Drop!” bellowed SAF, which Mike Phelan obediently did. SAF petted him on the head and gave him a treat from his pocket. I picked up the drool ridden paper up and began to read the page it was folded open on. The article was talking about the rise in Super-Injunctions issued by professional footballers and bemoaning how they were becoming above the law. I agreed with the sentiment, especially when names such as ——- ——–, ——— —— and ——- ——– were mentioned …But STOP THE PRESS!!! The article went on to mention ——– ——— ——– ——- and —— ——– ——— ———— …This was beyond the pale. Something would have to be done and fast.
After a few months of learning morse code I finally received dashes and dots from ——– ——– that would enable me to clear ——- ——— good name. Sir Alex had once again assured the press that there was nothing suspicious concerning my whereabouts by releasing a pre-prepared statement that I had ‘stubbed my toe in training and would need treatment from a placenta specialist in Paignton and I’d be out for 2-3 weeks”.
Without my wheelchair (that Hargo had managed to park halfway up a tree last month leaving him with multiple injuries that science hadn’t yet discovered) I decided to take my trusty steed Obertan for this adventure. Yeeeehaaaa! Unfortunately, although Obertan was like turd off a shovel, he had no sense of direction and kept instinctively taking us down cul-de-sacs.
In a small matter of weeks I finally reached ——— ———- ——– — —— . The first ——– ——- ! ———- —- —– ——- —– and then ——–? ——– —– —– —— . It was the most amazing discovery in all my investigative career, I was aghast. ——– —— —- —– made it even more unbelievable! My ability to deal with high pressure situations allowed me to —- ——- and ——- ——- ——–, ———- ——-and of course ——– ——– –. Then the next bit was astounding…——— ——- shocking —— ——- —— —– ; ——- —— ——- —— ——- ——— which led me to believe that ——– ——— ——— ——-? ——- ——— it ———- a ————!
I’m sure you will agree it was fairly conclusive.
Case closed.
Carro was supposed to be seeing a bloke about getting this self-destruct function sorted, but said he was going round Nani’s house for dinner cos he was always making a meal of things. I think they got on like a house on fire last time Carro apparently had Nani in stitches. As per the last issue, please dispose of this sensitive information by whichever means necessary. Thank you.
I will not rest until the integrity of Manchester United is upheld.
